friend??

My good feeling continued today throughout work - only this afternoon I got anxious / restless / nervous. Work was really busy and don't think I was to overwhelmed but maybe I was. I can't explain it. My heart felt racy and I just decided that I needed a xanax. I have not been taking them everyday since the Dr got on to me but you know I don't that it is a bad idea to take one if I really feel like I need one. Anyway what's on my mind tonight is about a friend of mine - at least its a friend on my part. I feel this friend pulling away. Maybe I am too crazy to be someone's friend right now. My behavior is kind of erratic and unpredictable lately. My husband says time will tell if this person is a true friend or not. I miss the attention I used to get from her. I hope maybe it's just me being my paranoid self because I have such trouble letting people get close to me. I'm very loyal once I decide to let someone in but if they hurt me - I can't take it and then I think it was a mistake letting someone in. Maybe it's like love - you don't know unless you try and if you don't try it can be a lonely place in the world...

feeling good

Last night I slept so good and sound! I didn't even wake up early in the morning in the wee hours to ruminate like I usually do. I got up just at the time the alarm would have sounded and I couldn't believe it. It's like my mind rested for the first time in a while. I'm sure my talk with my husband helped and prayer too. Today I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way. I only hope that I can hold it together until my appts with psychiatrist and therapist - then I will feel like I'm really doing something to help myself. This waiting is the pits but if I hold onto this good feeling - moment by moment - maybe I can make it...

forgiveness

Today I asked my husband for forgiveness for so some stupid stuff I've been doing lately and guess what? He forgave me - it felt so strange because I expected him to yell and be furious but as always he's so kind to me. He says I really didn't need forgiveness because I did nothing wrong but in my heart I feel like I did. I know my current state of mind is contributing to my actions but I am still responsible. I even prayed today for forgiveness... and it felt good. But with all that the hardest part for me I know will be to forgive myself. I don't know if I can but if I don't - I think I'm headed for real trouble.

tonight

I am calm and relaxed - we had dinner and a good friend came home and all is well. Hopefully a sense of normalcy can be returned.

kick in the butt

I had a good busy morning and went for a walk with my husband for coffee and they later we walked our 2 dogs and that was nice too. I felt good this morning... then I went over to a friends house. Her depression is getting better and I think it made me sad because I'm not better. She talked to me about my depression and how I've been isolating myself - really gave me a talking too! I appreciate her honesty. I know she's right but I just can't fix myself - I know I need therapy and I am waiting for the appts with psychiatrist and therapist. In the mean time I feel like I am wearing everyone the hell out! They all say no but I feel like I am. I did call a friend today who told me last week she needed me to be a better friend to her than I have been. That may me feel so sad and so guilty. It was just more evidence to me that I suck. She apologized later and told me that I took it the wrong way. She also said I am way to hard on myself which I am hearing a lot lately too, along with how pretty and smart I am - but you know those things just don't make you happy. Besides that I don't feel like I deserve such compliments. My poor husband - he wants to help me so badly and says he wishes he could take me and shake me to make me feel better. I told him if that was all it took that I would let him! I was also told today to look at the positives in my life - this is hard not because I don't have any but just because I feel like I can't see the forest for the trees - as they say! But I will try: I have someone who loves me and I love him back, I have my health, I have a home, I have a job that I love, I have friends - even though I am shutting them out, I have enough money to pay my bills and to save a little, I have everything I could ever need except my mental health... but I am working on it.

home

I made it through the visit home today... I did have to take a xanax because I knew it would be hard and it helped. My dear mother in law recently passed away and it was so said to see where she died at home. My father in law is so lost without her. The house was so empty yet full of memories. She made me part of her family 20 years ago and I always felt loved by her - unconditionally. I'm taking it harder with my current state of mind but I can't help it. My husband took me to my grandma's grave site and it was comforting. I cried and I told her 'Here I am falling apart again and where are you?' - she's been gone 5 years but seems like yesterday that I could just call her up. She was my real mom and she also loved me unconditionally. She would have helped my through this like she had before. But I know I have to do this myself. Have I mentioned how tired I am? It is so exhausting to be this way.

this moment

Right now at this moment I feel calm and quiet. As I listened to my cat purring loudly this morning I thought you know if I could I would purr right now. I don't know what it is maybe it is the new year - a new beginning - I'm not sure. Maybe it was a good nights sleep or maybe at this moment I feel like I am going to be OKAY. Anyway I hope it lasts but I know my mood changes moment by moment - so I will just enjoy this moment and pretend I can purr.