calm

I am relatively calm tonight. I am thinking about reading a book - something I have not done since I have had my setbacks. I do enjoy reading and I hope that I find that it still gives me pleasure. We are getting ready for a vacation so I look forward to really getting into my book then! Maybe I'll finish it on vacation - also something I used to do before. Wish me luck.

last night

I went out with a bunch of girls last night and I am tired. I don't know if it is from it being such a late night or that it is so exhausting pretending everything is okay. I mean I'm okay but I get anxious around a lot of people - most of them I know but there were some I did not. I also did not drink until later in the evening and that makes for some interesting people watching as they get drunk. But I did get loosened up later and even got out there and danced - which I don't do without liquid encouragement. My 'friend' was there - it was her party and she was her same old self again and I was relieved. I am worried about her and the types of relationships she is seeking out. I have told her and that's all I can do because I have my own issues going on here. Today I am going to rest and I am so glad I worked out yesterday in preparation for how I would feel today.

I did it!

Yesterday I did it! I was strong and it felt good! I confronted someone and I am proud of myself. I told my 'friend' that the past few days she had pushed me out of her life, that I thought I was just a joke / game to her and how that me me feel like a fool. Of course I wouldn't have done it if she had not asked me if I was mad at her and that I didn't love her anymore - but does it really matter how it happened? We decided to meet later to discuss it further and yes I did have a xanax - I'm feeling better but I needed the help to clear my mind and it did it's job. You know I could have just lied and continued to hold the hurt inside but I chose to confront it - good for me I think. And she didn't get mad or hate me for it. She actually admitted that she had been backing away - but told me why and I now that I understand why she was I am okay with it. I just needed to know why and that it wasn't because I did something wrong. She did say that I am insecure and I am blaming her - I know I need to work my insecurities but I don't feel like I did anything wrong. She did apologize and I think we actually made some headway in our friendship - we'll see. My husband says to keep my guard up just in case. Maybe next time I will just confront someone on my own and not need them to ask me what is wrong or if I am mad. Today I am feeling good still - talked to an old friend today who has been very encouraging to me. And I plan on calling on another friend later today. I am trying and it feels okay...

forgiving myself

I am worried I won't be strong enough today. Today is the day that my 'friend' and I used to get together when I was still special to her. In fact just last Saturday we talked about it. But now that I question our friendship I don't know what the day will bring. Will she bring it up? Will I play dumb like I forgot our plans? Or will it simply fade like every other day did to her this week? I feel like such a fool for being sucked in her games. Please someone make me understand that I was just weak and vulnerable and it was normal for me to fall for her. I have been told that... but I just can't believe it myself. I need to forgive myself but I feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe with time and a little therapy. God please help me - if she does want to see me I'm afraid I will still be that fool and still be in the game!

letting go

I'm trying real hard at letting go but it is hard. I have a happier exterior and even a happier interior but the guilt and insecurity are still there. They creep in when you least expect it - like a switch went off in you head. It's hard sometimes to turn off that inner dialogue but I am trying to stay busy and turn that switch off. I am better at some moments that others. A lot of people at work have been noticing my weight loss and I'm almost embarrassed to tell them why. Some are genuinely concerned others are just plain nosy. I explain it is my new meds and they are all like 'I need to get on that' - don't they know that this is not the way to lose weight? 2 break downs in one season is not funny! I am scared to death.

stronger

I feel myself getting stronger and I am sure it is the meds but regardless it feels good for a change. My old friend who I affectionately call 'mama' came to see me today and she said ' are you faking it?' and I said 'actually this time I'm not'. She always knows. I had called her on day 9 and she said I sounded 'too happy on the message machine'. I did not want her to worry so I tried to sound upbeat but she knew better. Funny how this friend thing works. Another old friend of mine told me yesterday 'you know if you have to ask or wonder if someone is really your friend - they're not because you shouldn't have to question it'. That is such a valid point and I am trying to apply that to someone I am questioning as my friend. She has withdrawn big time and it hurts but I know I will be okay. Since I don't care it seems she is trying to give me more attention. Today she made a special trip to see me to talk and I wonder why - is it because her latest friend didn't have time for her or did she really need me. I later overheard her tell someone else the same story she had confided to me. I think why bother coming to me when there are so many others who would listen to her, Maybe she misses me but I really wonder... She even asked for a hug and I said 'I thought you didn't need those anymore' and she responded 'I don't because I getting stronger now' but she gave me one anyway. I also said 'I'm surprised you came to see me' - I don't really remember what she said but it was nothing significant. Kinda like this friendship huh? I hope I'm wrong... because I really care about her... I am so sick of one-sided friendships!!!

day 12

My new medicine (effexor) seems to be really kicking in now - it's been 12 days now. Boy day 9 was the worst. It was so bad I was going to call the Dr on Monday and tell him it's not working and to put me back on the pristiq but now it seems unnecessary. I did not require a xanax today - another victory! If I could just get a little bit stronger like this every day I think I can make it. However I have yet to do the real work which will come when I have my appts with psychiatrist and therapist. I am nervous yet I know I need it bad - just like I need to go downstairs now and workout! That helps me too so I need to stay on track.