using me

The bloodsucker is using me to make her most recent conquest jealous...  while at the same time trying to make me jealous of an old friend of hers. I had my appt with the nurse practitioner today and she says I am doing good and I seem to have a good grasp on what  I need to stay healthy.  I told her that I feel like I am going through the motions until I can work on myself.  But I will do my best to stay away from talking to the bloodsucker for now - until I talk with my therapist next week.  She will then tell me if it is healthy for me to have 'closure' with her.  I am sure that it is not healthy to have closure with her - it would be best with the therapist only.  My meds have been changed and I am nervous about that because I feel so good now.  But I understand the reason it needed to be changed due to my blood pressure is up with such a high dose of effexor.  She did change me from xanax to klonopin and I need to get that filled ASAP.  It will all work out but in the mean time I must be strong.  God please show me the way - or at least help me accept the way.  Let me lean on my husband and my TRUE friends!

she's still trying

Today the bloodsucker came by again and I believe the statement of the day was 'you're punishing me by not talking to me'  - I thought and what did you do to me?  But what I told her was the same thing I did yesterday - I am protecting myself.  Of course she did that old 'look me in the eyes' bit - which I passed with flying colors.    I am still so angry with her but not yet ready to talk with her yet.  She is trying and she is very trying!  I know she is hurting from her lastest escapade but that is not my problem - she is not my problem.  Using her verbage:  'you're f------ adult!'.  I haven't decided how long I am going to 'punish' her as she calls it all I know is I am not ready for it.  My husband could just kill her but he is letting me make the decision as to what to do with him watching.  Tomorrow I meet with my nurse practioner maybe she will have so good ideas on how to deal with all of this till I meet with my therapist next week. 

she's at it again

The bloodsucker came to talk to me again today to 'tell me what was going on with her' - while she sounded honest and remorseful about the way she has treated me I just could be sympathetic with her.  I was happy to hear that her explanation was not that I had done anything wrong because I know I did not.  She wanted to meet later to discuss things and have closure on what has happened but I kept thinking that I would be foolish to do this on her terms after the way she treated me.  I first said I would think about it but when I talked to my husband and friends I knew that I could not do this now.  So I told her that it was just too soon for me to talk to her and that I have to protect myself from getting hurt again.  Yes maybe someday we can have closure but not now - not because she is down and out right now - where the hell has she been the last month and a half - she acted like I didn't even exist - that WE didn't exist - like I dreamed the whole thing.  She continued to say how sorry she was but she has a lot to prove if this can be worked out.  I think this is yet another scheme for me to jump in and help her and I cannot allow her to do this.  I do not deserve 'friends' like this. She later told me that she didn't deserve my friendship and I think she's right.  Now if I could convince my co dependent heart.  Please God do help me be strong and to stay away from those who hurt me and keep close the ones who support me.  I will not do this to myself again... 

super day

Had a great run this morning - 3 1/2 miles out and walk back. I'm am just resting a bit before I got workout and thought I would blog.  I have felt really good the past couple of days - no anxiety or worry.  It's probably because the bloodsucker has suckered in a new friend and I have had a permanent smile on my face for 2 days!  Now I know she cannot hurt me anymore because she is way to distracted right now! Whatever it takes to keep her away from me!  Just hurry up therapy appt cause I can't be this strong forever - I've got a lot to work on!  Have not heard from my Dad and still very angry with him for not showing up at my dear mother-in-law's funeral.  Everything in life seems to have a way of working out if you quit worrying but it is so hard.  Letting go and letting God is easy to say but so hard to practice but it does work if you open you mind to it.  So does the Serenity Prayer - I actually make myself say the things I cannot change out loud and the things i can out loud and it really helps me. 

I did okay today

Today the bloodsucker and I had to work together.  It was cordial and uneventful.  We did chit chat later and I told her it was nice to talk to her and she said the same.  I cannot trust her and I know that.  My husband told me not to get sucked back in and I know he's right.  We will be working together for awhile so I will pray that I remain strong and accept the things I cannot change.  I did get a lot done today and I am remaining focused.  I am looking forward to next week when I meet the nurse practitioner again - she will change my meds then too.  The following week is my meeting with my therapist and I am looking forward to that as well.  I really think that I am holding together pretty well right now along with the support of my husband and good friends. 

busy day

I don't know where the day went but I had the opportunity to check in with a few friends - it is amazing the power of your true friends. Bloodsuckers drag you down so... but I am staying far away for those - or at least as far as I can because I work with one of those bloodsuckers who hurt me bad.  Today I finished my journal about a particular situation that affected me and it was 17 pages long!  Very therapuetic - my hope is that if I am tempted in this situation again that I can look back and see how destructive the relationship was.  We'll see if it works...

getting there

I was on facebook yesterday and a girl whom I used to be real close with found me and I friended her.  I would always say I would never get on facebook...  She asked me why I finally got on and I said to occupy my mind.  She said she could do that and proceeded to tell me her current problems!  This was a friend who I had told in the fall I was falling apart and I never heard from her again!  Now that I have had another breakdown - she is interested in my time!  Only to help her!  I told her that she had too much drama going on in her life. I don't need that right now.  This is the second time in a week I have told someone that!  Wow, good for me!  I can't hardly believe it when the words come out of my mouth.  Even today someone wanted something from me and I did not respond the way they expected. Is this the new me or just right now till I get the help I need.  When discussing today my choices in friends with a co worker today I was asked today 'are you a little co dependent there' and I said 'is it that obvious?'.  I gotta get new friends!