worried

I had a 7k race saturday and something snapped in my right knee in the last mile and I had to stop and sit on the side of the road. Help came quickly but I felt like such a failure.   My running times have been so fast and I thought I would do really well in this race. But the pain kept my mind off of it for a while.  I went to an ortho urgent care and apparently it is just a bad attack of arthritis (I didn't know I had arthritis!).  I had x rays and physical therapy that day, take home exercises and pain meds.  I have no swelling so this means I haven't torn anything.  The reason I am worried is because I don't know how long I won't be able to run and I don't think my mental state would be able to cope with that.  I did work out my upper body today and did sit ups - but i was unable to box b/c I still cannot bear a lot of weight on the knee.  I am using crutches for now and go back on wednesday for more therapy and to see the ortho dr again.  I go to my therapist tomorrow and I am looking foward to that as always.  I hope I am doing well.  I will have to tell her about my fears of not being able to run and I have a marathon in april that I have been training for (walking).  It's all up in the air right now - that's why I am worried.   Going to bed now and hopefully sleep will take my mind of it. 

good friends

Last night was a bit of a roller coaster...  I met my friend Pam and we had a great visit!  We used an interesting technique to catch up on our lives - we covered topics from A-Z and it was fun.  Occasionally we would remember something and have to go back to an already covered letter!  We found ourselves going back and forth all night.  We (or was it me, or was it her - no I think it was we)  specifically avoided the letter T which has a specific person that we could have talked about (not Tony - we covered him in H for husbands!) but she said  'save it for the professional'!  This is the second or third time she has eluded to this.   I don't know if she will ever want to hear that story - I wouldn't mind telling her but maybe it's TMI.  For now I will think that she just loves me for who I am and does need to hear my mistakes - she knows the important part - that this bloodsucker took advantage of me in low times.  Anyways we had a wonderful evening I was so tired I had my self talked out of exercising but you know me I couldn't so I did go ahead and work out.  When I got back upstairs Tony said my friend Leigh Ann had called and for me to call her back.  She went to a divorce atty today and got goods news and was supposed to call me about it  - but instead she told me she got suspended at work!  She was upset as would be normal for anyone!  So me and our network of friends we on the phone for quite awhile networking and trying to figure out what is going on but we were so tired we had to suspend (funny I used that word) our efforts after a nights rest.  I'm sure there will be more to come today ...

spring is here!

What a great weekend it was - I know spring is coming!  I feel so good it is kinda scary - I really kinda feel like my old self again.  I didn't think I could find myself again - or if I even knew what that was for awhile...  It's a great time of year to be back and only the best is yet to come!  And here I thought for months I would never get here... Thank you God, my husband, good friends, medicines, my nurse practitioner and my therapist who have carried me through this journey - if it were not for you all I would not be here today! Now I'm not fooling myself - I know I still have work to do but if it keeps helping like this - watch out!

exhausted

I had my therapy again today and I am exhausted - it's hard to work on yourself!  My therapist says I need to work on forgiving myself...  how many times have I been told this?  I was a great session and I hope that I continue to get a lot out of it!  I went later over to a friend's house to chill - wasn't ready to go home yet.  Now I'm home and have decided not to exercise and I'm trying not to feel guilty about it!

all is well

Saw the nurse practitioner today about my meds and all is good - blood pressure is good with the decrease in effexor. Great news there was a cancellation and I got in with my therapist tomorrow! And I have so much to tell her and I can't wait!  Also had girls night out with a few close friends and that helped a lot!  All is well and I hope it remains that way.  The bloodsucker came by and only talked about work and that was it.  She got my message.   I wish certain co workers would treat her the same.  My husband worries about these certian co workers who are also good friends and wants them to be warned.  I have given them warning but that's all I can do - I cannot worry about them cause all I can do is keep myself healthy now.  That is taking all my strength.  It would be so easy for me to get caught back in her games - people have no idea...   cause when she looks at me like she does it's hard and I want to be there for her - but she is not a friend!  I have to fight this feeling every minute of everyday!  Like my therapist said it is an old wound from childhood that keeps getting ripped open and I have to stop it.  And I will...

boundaries...

My therapist has asked me to work on my boundaries with the bloodsucker and I have not had much of a chance since her latest conquest and her are BFF's again.  But there is trouble in paradise again so guess what...  she it trying to talk to me again.  And of course it caused me to want to fight with her and I hate that I let her get me that mad.  So I thought about it and thought about it and decided that I was ready to tell her to leave me alone.  She had already left work so I called from work - hung up when I got her voice mail - I chickened out.  But I took a couple of moments and decided that I would just leave a message and  I did it!  I told the bloodsucker 'I need you to  leave me alone and it if doesn't have anything to do with work or my residents I didn't want to talk to to me'. I also told her that she and her latest conquest must be having trouble or she wouldn't be trying to talk to me 'So please leave me alone, thank you!'.  It hopefully closes a chapter of this particular stage of my life. And yes it did feel empowering!

mondays

Don't mondays suck?  They should be great - the start of something new esp today with it being the first of march and spring is right around the corner.  But mondays - ugh!   I must get a new attitude this morning so I can have a great day!  I will not let the dreaded monday syndrome take over me!  I am better than that!