how far i've come

As I read my posts I realize how far I've come.  But I do feel like it could so easily change.  My husband said today 'when will the drama end' ' please let it end' but I have no control.  This disease does this to you- your up one day and the next your down.  Now I have so many better days but with the drama going on at work with the bloodsucker and trying to get along with my new boss - it has me questioning myself all over again.  The bloodsucker has a hold of my friend Sarah now as I mentioned and I want to save her but I know I cannot for my own sake.  She told me today 'I don't know what went on with the 2 of you and I don't want to know'  that hurt because I told her everything, the lies she told, the drama and the brainwashing that was done - now it's like she has forgotten it - this is my good friend.  It's like the bloodsucker's denial of what she did has brainwashed my friend - like tt never happened.  Please God help Sarah get out of the web.  And please help me remember that I have to stay far away from this person.  I am okay and 'it was not real'.  I know I have been doing good but the past couple of days I feel like I'm slipping a bit.  Therapy is Thursday and I can't wait.

you reap what you sow

The bloodsucker is still having issues.  We all thought the questioning was over but co workers interviewed about her behaviors / harassing at work.  This all stems from the  anonymous letter mentioned in 2 posts ago.  All of us think it it her most recent former friend who has now left the company.  This was also the friend she dropped me for!  I would have never put her through this - she may loose her job over her actions if they are founded. I wouldn't want that for her but I do wish this would teach her a lesson!  My husband is worried she will come back into my life (since I called her and told her I did not do this and i wouldn't through her under the bus) and I can't reassure him enough!  It's over - she can never make up for what she did!  Time will help him realize - and my therapy will keep me away from her and toxicness (is that a word - if not it should be!).

marathon day!

Well today was the day Vickie & I were to walk the marathon!  She did great - got it done in 6:23:37!  Because of my recent knee injury I could only do half of it which consisted of 2 stints: 6m & 7m and I ran to the finish line with her.  It was so fun and I am so proud of her!  I have been icing my knee and elevating it because it is swelling.  I hope I didn't over do it!  This was something that I had talked her into (prior to my injury) and we had trained so hard.  So I just had to try part of it with her.  My physical therapist said I could try some take a rest and get back in as many times as necessary but I think she will be upset with me b/c I might have over done it!  We will see tomorrow when I get out of bed!  Anyway it was a beautiful day for a walk and we are thankful for that! and that we were able to be a part of it! 

God is testing me

God is testing me and I hope I am passing the test. There was something going on at work, an investigation and I was right in the middle of it.  Yes, it has to do with the bloodsucker and her recent former friend.  She no longer works there and  wrote a very nasty letter to our corp hq.  And it definitely was written to take revenge out on the bloodsucker. And she pulled me and some others girls at work in it including my friend Sarah who can handle no more drama!  I even mustered up the courage to call the bloodsucker just to tell her I had nothing to do with this - even thought we are no longer friends.  She said she appreciated the call and said she knew that I wouldn't do that.  My husband could have eaten his gizzard when he heard that I called her but I just needed to do that - don't know if it was for me or her but it helped me.  We all survived the with jobs intact but our rears a little smaller.  Hopefully it will be a lesson for all be careful who you pick as friends cuz you never  know when it will bit you in the a--!  But I know God put the bloodsucker in my life for a reason and he's keeping her there for a reason.  Someday I'll figure it all out.  Please God hold me together! 

train wreck

My friend Sarah who is in the web of the bloodsucker looks so down and depressed...  I only can pray for her.  I went to my nurse practitioner appt today and she said 'don't jeopardize yourself by getting involved' she even suggested that maybe I step back but I told her that this was too close of a friend and I could not just drop her.  She said then I just better be careful because I am still grieving the loss of this person even though she was not the person I thought she was.  I asked her how could I get that through my thick head the feelings I still have for her?  She suggest I write it on my hand where I could see it, so later I did in permanent marker.  Of course it did not stick b/c at work I wash my hands and thousand times so I wrote in regular black ink and it helps.  It not only makes me laugh but reminds me of something very important  'It wasn't real!!'  I was told that the bloodsucker was bad mouthing me in a public area at work.  One of my aides over heard her and told me.   The nurse practitioner suggested that maybe the bloodsucker was doing this to get back at me because 'you're winning' - she did that 'so it would get back to me'.  She thinks that she is also keeping herself in my circle of friends to get at me.  I never thought about it that way.  Obviously she is not any better - and I am not giving her what she wants.  Sarah - can't you see what's going on???

i can't do anything about it

Well it's happening to one of my closest friends - the bloodsucker has gotten her claws in her.  I know there is nothing I can do about it but it is hard to see.  She is so sad and depressed and that is what the bloodsucker feeds on. Soon she will be occupying her every waking moment and drain her.  We got in kind of a tiff about it on girl's nite fri.  Of course we had been drinking and I tried to warn her to protect her when she called the bloodsucker (who was not invited) on the phone - she told me point blank 'it's none of your business'.  That hurt so bad especially when she has seen what this person has done to me and a close friend of hers.  How could one person destroy so many lives?  We made up of course but I have to just listen and keep my nose out of it or she won't confide in me when she really needs me.  I will keep her in my prayers and offer as much support as I can w/o hovering over her.  Please God give me the strength to do what you need me to do.

my gift to myself

Therapy has been the best gift I could ever give myself.  It was so hard to admit that I was in that dark place again.  My session today was interesting...  I told her all about me getting the bloodsucker off my unit and she was proud.  I told her that I don't understand why I still miss her and she said that it is normal to miss someone who made you feel so special and good.  I also asked her if the bloodsucker she knew what she was doing when she picked me to weave into her web.  The therapist says that people like that only think about getting what they need - not that it was necessarily about hurting the other person even thought that is what happens in the end.  They find someone's weakness - and I was ripe for the picking because I was in that dark place.  She said it could have been anyone - and it will be over and over again while she tries to get her needs met.  That made me feel better that she wasn't setting out to intentionally hurt me - it's just that she is sick and not capable of having real interpersonal relationships.  I feel sorry for her that she can't help it.  She did caution me that it was not my job to help her just because I feel sorry for her - and to continue to stay away!  And I will. So thank you God for letting me finally listen to you and realize that I needed help.  You gave courage I didn't know I had.  My mind is so tired tonight and I am going to get some rest now...