whew!!

What a week it has been!  My unit opened up with 8 residents on monday - wow what a whirlwind!  They are all adjusting nicely and i am exhausted - i slept in until 10 o'clock today!  I did work half a day and that was nice to be with them on the holidays.  I am waiting for my supper to settle so i can go work out!  Today what has been on my mind is my dear mother in law - she died one year ago today.  I am so thankful for having her in my life.  So our holiday was a bit different - we just did our thing this year and stayed away from things that made us sad. I always hate the holidays b/c of my own family situation (crazy mother and enabling father) and just can't bear spending it with another friend's family - as we have done in the past b/c it just make me feel so sad that my family can't be like that.  And this year with tony's mom gone he didn't really want to face his family - understandable.   My therapist told me if the holidays are that bad so just do something else and why make ourselves miserable?  So we a starting a new tradition of just him and me together - nothing else - we may go out to eat or go out of town - it's our decision.  We were going out of town but my unit opened a little earlier than expected so we had to be flexible.  But it was a nice day - tony ran with a friend while i slept in and he slept while i was a work and then we went out to eat.  It was a nice easy day.

I did make a big step today...  i finally heard from my dad - he sent an email.  I caught him up on the news of me the past year:   breakdowns, meds / therapy (again) and my surgery.  I don't recall when i last heard from him... probably when i called to tell him about tony's mom.  No, i take that back i did get a Christmas card with $ and spent it with a pit in my stomach.   But my big step was that  took the opportunity to tell him what i have been wanting to know:  why did he not come to my m-i-l's funeral?  and that him not coming contributed to my 2nd breakdown - i was having a hard enough time trying to remain in this world as it was and again he let me down.  I ended the letter with telling him i didn't really want to know why b/c i know it would be a bunch of excuses as it always is.  Wow - i am such a big girl!  Didn't think this time last year i would have been able to do that!  I think my therapist will be proud! 

sabatoge

Yes I have been doubting my self a bit - okay last week a whole lot but along comes therapy when you think you don't really need it.  It's funny what you get used to when things are bad and then you pray for a change and actually get it - you don't think you deserve it or that they possibly made a mistake in hiring you!  It's crazy but this is what's been on my mind and i can't help it.  I've tried hard to keep up a good front but thank God i actually tell my therapist what's in my head.  My husband even said something to me the other day that let me know he was noticing - he knows me like no other!   Bottom line my therapist says i have entirely too much time on my hands at work - even though the extra time to prepare has been nice since we haven't opened yet but it is allowing my usual negative thought pattern to creep in. You know i can only prepare so much - i need to be busy!  The sooner we open the better off i will be b/c once i am with the residents - this is where i am most comfortable.  Today was better - we had a caregiver's day out and i did the adult day care and that was so fun to be back in it again.  I know i can do this and i am the right person.  And i miss having a routine - i need that!  Focus lisa - stay busy - help someone else in their office - do something other than listening to that voice in you head!  Wish there was a pill to make that voice to go away...

our trip

The trip to new england was fabulous and i am so glad we got to go back.  This time there were 6 of us that went.  We stayed 2 days in each of the 4 states we went to.  The trip started in nigara falls, ny.  It was so beautiful and there were so many rainbows.  The power of that water constantly going just blows my mind!  And the loud roar is just like the ocean as it drowns out everything else in your head.  I saw my first black squirrel there.  We ate at a hard rock cafe and celebrated of one of the 2 birthdays and that was a treat.  I think this was where we took our first ferry ride and it was so cool!  Our next stop was stowe, vt and we stayed at the green mountain inn - there was waitress that was so kind to us each morning  - her dad won the lt governor's race - how about that!  I love this area so much!!!!  The fellas did their thing while us girls shopped till we dropped!  Mind you we had to be careful what fit in the van on the way home so we had to show some restraint...  and had some things shipped! Before we left this area we stopped to see the von trapp family lodge - what a neat surprise!  and also at some point (can't remember when) - yankee candle store - woo hoo!!  Our next stop was mystic,ct - and stayed at the whaler's inn.  Oh the water, boats and the sights... and i got to see the restaurant where the movie  'mystic pizza' was made - that was my time period you know so that was a must see.  We shopped again and ate and ate at a lebanese restaurant that night - at this place you bring your own alcohol - fun because there was a liquor store across the street!   Our last stop was cape may, nj and the place we stayed at had a neat restaurant named the mad batter where we had breakfast and supper each night.  The homes there are beautiful, the ocean so relaxing and of course we shopped some more!  My husband's birthday was celebrated on the last night of our trip - the eve of his birthday and we all enjoyed dinner, drinks and fun and we all ended the night sitting in the lounge by the fire.  We rode a huge ferry when we left nj and that took an hour but it was so neat and ended up and drove the  chesapeake bay bridge tunnel - 17.6 miles total  and on it were 2 underwater tunnels- wow. That was the end and we had to head home. We all arrived home safe and sound full of goodies and lots of memories!!  I know i left out a lot but we just did so much it's hard to remember it all.  Ahhhh  vacations....  i highly recommended them :)

back home!

It was a fabulous trip and we have been busy with settling in back home and getting back into our routine.  Work is going great and still i want to pinch myself - it still feels like a dream.  I still feel so honored that they have picked me!  After so long of an abusive work situation it is unreal that it can really be different elsewhere.  I see my therapist tomorrow and for the first time i did not do my home work - writing a thank you to my self - i have just been too busy.  Maybe she will give me a reprieve - as i have done everything else she has asked! 

we're off!

Well i've only worked 8 days and i am already on vacation!!!  It was part of the deal since i already had this trip and our puerto rico in feb planned.  I am ready.  What's on my mind now it writing a thank you note to my self - i wrote to my friend but  my therapist suggested i write one for myself.  She said it would be really difficult but i will try because everything else she recommends works so far.  She also suggested that tony and i not dread or avoid holiday celebrations but rather not attend and go some where just the 2 of us. She says the holidays are not about being somewhere that makes you sad, being with people who've hurt you or bring you down.  She said if you just have to go just drop in on your way to somewhere exciting and get outta there.  So i talked it over with tony and we are going away thanksgiving and Christmas - starting a new tradition just him and me!  I'm excited.  Well i need to pack so i'm post again soon and see how that thank you note goes!  Now that i've said it i have to do it!

thankful

Today i was just feeling very thankful and i needed to send out some thank you cards to coworkers.   I had gotten some sweet cards and gifts when i left my previous employer.  So while i was in the mood i sent to notes to some very good friends who have helped me along my journey to wellness. I still have a long way to go but the important part is i am still on the way! I could not have made it this past year without those friends or my husband, tony - thank you to him too!

and while i'm at it:   thank you kathy who always writes something on my blog on a regular basis :)  it helps me too!

a new beginning

Had my first day yesterday and...  wow....  i felt like i was in disneyland!  It is a brand new building - not even open yet.  Except for the boss and a couple of office folks, we are all new staff to this company and in various stages of our orientation.  I got to wander around (my boss told me too!),look at my new unit and get a feel for it yesterday and read out of my policy and procedures book!  All the staff will be cleaning, unboxing and setting up ...  and i have this overwhelming feel like we are part of something bigger here.  It really feels like a team... refreshing...  see why i feel like i am in disneyland?