anger stage

You know how you go thru stages of grief?  I am just beginning the anger stage of my end of supposed 'friendship' of 10 years with sarah.  I started it in therapy the other day with comments such as 'she knows what she did' and 'we were never really friends if she did that to me'.  The words just flew out w/o me even realizing what i sad.  Since then i have had a lot of thoughts about it and recalled things that really shed light on the situation - hind sight is 20/20 you know. Now i know that people go thru stages of grief differently and often go back into previous stages again this may be me - b/c most of the time i am still sad over the whole situation.  But i am beginning to have more instances where i am truly angry...  

still feeling good

Still feeling good and getting used to it.  I mean it - I'm not used to such a feeling.  It's nice not to be worrying and seconding guessing myself all the time.  It's weird to describe but it's a great feeling.  I am content and I think that's wonderful for me at this point of my recovery.  I don't want this feeling to end. 

Interesting note:   i saw sarah for the first time since i left my old place... ran right smack into her in the hallway of my old work place.  I go and visit the cats and the folks i used to care for on the weekends (to avoid certain people) pretty often and had not run into sarah yet but this day she happened to be the manager on duty. The meeting was brief and cordial.  Don't recall who hugged first but i did hug her the second time - don't know why i did but you know i still care about her and wish her the best - despite her hurting me.  But this in no way means we can be friends again.  We did not talk anything personal and felt like i was she didn't miss me at all...  disappointing but okay... can't wait to process this on therapy day - tuesday.  But with that being said - i am still feeling good...

rainy saturday

Funny title because that's all its done for several days now.  Had my follow up appt nurse practitioner due to med changes and all is good.  Of course i see the therapist on a ongoing basis every 2-3 weeks.  Feeling rather good and what ever was going on in my head has seemed to settled itself.  Sure its the meds but am told that it's me too.  When my therapist asked me to look back over what i have accomplished since being in therapy and my whole life for that matter - my answer to her was it 'by the grace of God i don't know.  it seems like it wasn't really me.  like i am watching someone else or having an out of body experience'.  I know it's weird but i really don't feel like it was me - that person has done some great things, unbelievable things despite how she raised, what she was told growing up, the mistakes she's made and she's really a good person - but i can't connect that it is me. Then of of course my therapist says i need to become my own cheerleader - she said get a set of pom poms if you have too!!  I know she's right and in quiet moments i have been trying to cheer myself...

i'm okay right now

Feeling very at peace right now.  No drama at work going on real or imagined by me.  Now that i have passed my six month mark the anxiety of it all has ended and i have decided to give it six more months - they keep telling us that it's hard that first year but it will get better.  I am finally starting to believe it.  So like i said i am at peace right now.  Med change i am sure had a lot to do with it but for right now that's okay. Things that were disturbing me at work 2-3 weeks ago and making me anxious are no longer.  I can look at it like an outsider and see why i was responding the way i was.  Feel like right now i am in forward of my recovery...  for a change :)

better now

I'm feeling better now...  feeling like i can focus more.  i hate that i have to have an increase but my nurse practitioner feels i need it to help me get through whatever is going on in my head now.  My therapist agreed and i am scheduled to see them both sooner than usual to check in.  At least i can have a day w/o crying again.  This mental disease just creeps up on you when you least expect it... It sure gets old.

i'm still sick

Well my meds have been increased - i guess i am not doing as well as i thought.  Today was just as bad...  i just can't handle it all....  

it's still a pig

I am so aggravated at my work place right now...  We just had our second round of supposed 'motivational talks' and 'idea sharing' to get the census up for our very new campus.  I just am not feeling with the boss and all:  they tell us we are almost over the hump' (1st yr is the hardest opening up a new place) - 'we're almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel' but as i sit in the room i am feeling the same s--- all over again.  I am working for another for profit company and this game is no different than the one i left (well it doesn't have the drama, entanglement in my personal life & sexual harassment)!  I don't trust these folks either. And i don't know if any of these folks will be around in 6 mos much less myself (remember, i still haven't decided) - one of my co workers is sure she will be fired any day now (i'm afraid she's right).  It just seems so fake...  'can we get a commitment for everyone?',  'we are all in this together' - i just don't believe it.  One of the folks said we just need to support one another and another said maybe we need to pray...   The talk ended in a prayer and get us pumped up - the prayer was a nice -then there was a big group hug and i quickly got outta there before i had to be faced with hugging the boss.  I went to the bathroom and cried and i just wanted to vomit - because i felt like we were justifying building up business but it's okay b/c we prayed.  This angers me a great deal.  You can dress up the pig (the company), put on make up and pray...  but it is still a pig!  Now i feel bad that i have said this but this is just how i am feeling right now...  i know i need to work but this game is just getting me down.  Now don't get me wrong i know this is just the way it is everywhere but i guess i never give up hope that i will find that different place... It is a good place to work for and they do take good care of the residents but i just don't like the window dressing in the name of the Lord...  But i do love what i do...  and this is a wonderful opportunity for me to start over...  what to do...  I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow - maybe she'll have an idea...  will i ever be well?????