med decrease progress report

well i am doing well with the med decrease and hope this will help my restless legs and weight gain.  i haven't had the crazies like i thought - you know jumping out of my skin or bawling.  i also had  lab work looks good. my vit d is low but now so low that it needs attention,  i guess.  i will see my nurse practitioner in another week or so and then see.  so for now still okay.  and in other news - my therapist asked me monday 'what would it take for you to happy?'  and i said 'me?' and she laughed and said  'yes you'.  i don't get asked that every day!  i said 'if i could run again.'  even thought i know that's probably not gonna happen i have been trying.  i  ran 3 minutes in the basement for the second time - the first time i tried it it just seemed like something clicked and it was okay.  then  i ran the block on sunday for about a 1/4 of a mile...  no pain.  weird huh?  is my dream possible??  i told my therapist the only way my knee will ever be fixed is is i used and i hurt it then i will get the surgery to fix for ever - so what do i have to lose? 

meds are changing

my legs have been given me more trouble at night so my nurse practitioner thinks that may my increase in effexor a while back (which i really needed at the time) may be contributing.  so we are gradually decreasing the dose and seeing if this will help.  i have also gained weight - the effexor may or may not be the cause..  it may be my klonopin slowing my metabolism down even though i am working out as usual and eating as usual - or simply may be a plateau.  in other news - secretly i am trying to run again..  yes i feel slight discomfort in my 'baby tear' left knee but i think i can do again and get past it.  i also have been jumping rope too and its going well as long as i keep those knees bent just right - all part of my previous work out routine.  i just miss it - and if i hurt my knee, then okay i'll have surgery...  and then i'll have 2 nice clean knees (free of tears and arthritis).  even tho the right has bone on bone - it's not bothering me at this point.  i think i am obsessed about the weight gain &  running again.... i still dream about it all the time...  well see...  i am also having a bunch of lab work done and i go back to her i about 2 1/2 weeks and well see if the med change makes the difference.   if not we will change something else.

You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be! - Elizabeth Alraune

my therapist agrees to some degree that i am working to much and i need to come home earlier to be healthy.  if i come home earlier i will have time for exercise, take my meds on time (and sleep better), spend more time with my husband, animals, friends & read - all which make me healthy.  i'm doing well as of now - i am making a point of not spending so much time at work over the past few weeks.  i no longer want that to be my life even though that means i have to change the way i get positive feedback / feelings about my self.  that has to come from somewhere else now.

i'm a workaholic

there it is - i just realized it (maybe i've known this all along).  it's something i must stop.  i've been doing a lot of reading in my recovery process and have been reading this book about approval addiction- it has been very helpful as far as giving me insight into myself:  fear, rejection, wanting to please others.  there are things in my life that i have said, done and reacted to (with  my husband, friends, co workers,etc) that are just silly when i think about it now (but not in that moment) - i am just trying to protect myself - i hate it but apparently it's a result of my childhood. i'm not a terrible person - i just don't want to be hurt and i allow it.   it is written by a woman who is in the ministry and she writing about her discovery that her abuse as a child caused all these unhealthy thoughts, feelings and reactions into her adulthood.  of course she uses God to help her through all this and he speaks to her in a way i wish he'd speak to me.  anyways i was praying yesterday on the way to work as i often to - and as i was at the light i asking God for his help to get me through this day and i said to him - is this all there is and is this what my life is supposed to be?  it was the longest light in the word and it was so silent...  of course i did not hear or see anything but it got me thinking...  there has to be something else and i am missing out on it.  then last night when i was reading this book - at the end of the book there is this section about workaholics and it was describing me.  it described how it happens and yes we have to work but not be taken advantage.  it doesn't mean i need to leave but i think it is test and i need to change.  i see myself slipping back into that old pattern of working all the time.  its easy - i love what i do, i love pleasing people and derive my self esteem from it - its who i am... and i like that feeling but it's wearing me down with all deadlines and seeing everyone else leaving early and what have you. this was going on at my old place and it ended very badly and i developed some very unhealthy relationships as a result of it.  i didn't know but now that i do if i let it continue -it's my fault.   this book says that Satan is trying got get at me again to keep my focus off things that are important:  my marriage, family, friends and God.  so this is my next challenge...

From this point on, I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me. Some should be glad. Others should be scared.

found this quote on twitter today and it is totally cracking me up!  wish i could be this way but i can't - wouldn't it be great if i could?  work is on my nerves right now and especially the boss and if i treated her like she does me i would totally be fired!  but that's why she's the boss - i never want to be like that.  i hope i don't treat my staff like that!  maybe the fact that i worry about it means i make a conscious effort not too.   one of my co workers thru me under the bus in front of the boss and our peers this week and i gave her s--- about it - so i guess i can give it back - yay me!  she later said she was kidding... i think if this was the case she would have immediately said so in front of the group!  i sure got a lot of looks- my facial expression, gasp and retort must have been priceless!   oh well it's just work - we all gotta do it....  it's okay and more importantly i'm okay!

...

I met an old friend for dinner the other night who is also friend of Sarah's  - we all used to work together and hang out.  She said Sarah did not mention seeing me and they met a couple of weeks after i ran into Sarah.  I wonder if my friend is protecting me... or if Sarah just didn't really mention it.  I mean we were so close it would be difficult to not talk about each other b/c we were all so intertwined in each others lives - it would be like the elephant in the room.  When i met my friend we got that (Sarah) out of the way early in the evening and i was so glad b/c it was a weight lifted... and then we could move on to other topics  and later I shared a funny story about Sarah and could giggle w/o grief/sadness.  Interesting huh?  I guess to me...  why do i miss someone so much who hurt me? She obviously does not miss me and she certainly is not the person i thought she was or who she thought she was...

Anyway this friend and i have been friends a long time and she asked how i was really doing and i found myself telling her that i know longer feel like i have to be that little abused child that had to fight for everything anymore - not that i don't think about her but i think about how far i have come in my recovery process and wow!  I told her i am so different and told her about the goals i am supposed to be working on and how i am stuck in that process w/o making the first step.  She was so happy for me and i am happy for her.  She also has some issues going one but appears to be handling it all okay since we left our previous place of employment.  We talked about how it seems so long ago even though it hasn't even been a year yet!   What a difference a few months makes!!

Therapy is still the best gift i ever gave myself!

in limbo

Here i am lying in waiting....  I am supposed to be thinking about what i want in 5 years - 10 years!  i can't do it!!!  I don't even know what i will be doing in 5 days! Recovery is funny...  your up one day the next your down - actually is minute by minute:  second by second.  I honestly have never given any thought as to what i want - i have always someone else do it for me...   who am i?  i don't know yet?  will i ever know?  43 years...  you'd think i would know who i am by now...