journaling

I am journaling tonight about an event / series of events and it it very therapuetic.  My hands hurts so much and I don't even know that I will finish it tonight - I even started it last night and got too tired to finish.  If anyone ever reads it they would think what a jumbled up mess of thoughts but that is what is in my head right now.  Maybe I will be more clear once I get it written down.  I am tired... I had a good day today and that's all I can hope for except an even better day tomorrow.

change of plans

Instead of journaling or reading last night I got on facebook  and actually had fun!  I've been on it quite a bit this morning too.  I found an old friend or 2 or 3 and found my one of my cousins!  It is quite addictive as I expected so I am taking a break now to go work out!  It's a good day today - no demons...

a good day

Today was a good day spent with an old friend.  She was the one who said about a month ago she needed me to be more of a friend to her.  I yet again had been isolating all my true friends at that time choosing to spend my time with someone I would call a blood sucker.  When she told me me this I was at my lowest and that  kind of pressure really hurt me.  I told her that I have been told that before and didn't know if I could change.  She later regretted saying anything when she realized that I had been feeling so bad. She has been gentle and kind to me and waited patiently for me to come around.  She had needed me too and we had a some long chats today.  We didn't solve anything but it was nice to talk and we both even cried a little.  I had so much coffee today I will probably never go to sleep!  I would like to prop my feet up for a while.  I've got some journaling I've been wanting to do so I think I will do that or I might start another book.  These are both good signs that I feel like my old self today. 

better right now

I feel better right now than I did last night.  After wards I worked out and that always helps push those demons away.  Right now I am calm and ready to face whatever I am supposed to today.  Hopefully this feeling will last throughout the whole entire day.

waiting to heal

This is so hard...  going around acting like I am okay all the time. I am getting okay but not healed like everyone wants me to be.  It is exhausting and I think I just need to take to my bed.  I don't know why I am so down right but then again I do know.  This is how it goes - you're up one minute and the next you're down.  When will I feel better?  When will this get easier or not hurt so bad?  When will I feel like my self again?  Do I even know what that is anymore?  Why am I this way?  Why do I keep making poor choices?  Why do I have to be so guilty, anxious and restless all the time?  How did I get to be this way?  Why does it keep happening?  I hope I get some answers soon.  Until then staying busy seems to be the answer - but again that is exhausting...

that's it

No drama happened today and I am glad - the former 'friend' didn't even come by to see me today.   I did see her in the hall and it was cordial and all but that was it.  And I am glad.  Today I was talking to another co worker and she said she felt like I was doing real good - and I said I was just holding it together until my therapy starts.  I feel like I am just in limbo.  It's not bad but I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen - the other shoe to drop perhaps?  I don't know but I still feel like I am going to be okay someday!  

leave me alone

Well she came by again to rehash and it led to more insults to my already injured soul.  Why won't she let it drop?  I know because it is all about her and it has always been that way.  It was never about me!  I am still angry with myself for falling for her games but I will get over that because I have been sick.  I do miss who I thought she was but I won't fall the games anymore.