great day

My friend and I are walking a full marathon in april and we are in the middle of training for it.  It was a beautiful day for a walk and when we got back we walked to subway for lunch.  We could have walked to coffee but we had had enough - so we drove!  The training has been good for our bodies and our minds.  And the talks have been good too...  My therapist says I need to spend more time with normal friends and I am trying - but my friend vic always says 'but lis I'm not normal!'  I am trying to spend as much time busy with normal folks as I can.  The bloodsucker has not been around so it's been easy but I heard thru the grapevine that her latest conquest is seeing her true colors so I may get to practice those boundaries that my therapist says I am supposed to be working on!  It's been to easy so far but soon I will probably be put to the test!

sleepy today

I am tired - not sure why.  Maybe it's because I didn't work out last night because we went to the play 'Between Daylight and Boonville'.  It was very good - a day in the life of 3 characters living in a trailer park wanting happiness and trying to make the best of their situation.  Very moving.  I feel good today - you know I never thought I would get here!  Now I know I not completely healed but I am in such a better place than I was when  I first started this blog - in fact I think it's time for a color change again!  Meds, therapy and a supportive network (including prayer) are wonderful things and I can't take them for granted. 

great

I am feeling great and I know it is the combination of meds and therapy,.  My husband even said tonight 'it's great to have you back'. I love him so much and this means the world to me.   I do feel like I am back and myself again and it does feel wonderful! 

closure

The bloodsucker wanted 'closure' 2 weeks ago - and I had it today!  I gave her the letters she had written me that were supposed to be so 'special' and I gave her picture back.  I don't need her anymore and I don't need those things anymore.  So it's done and it's liberating.  Her reaction:   none - just as I expected but at least I don't have those things with me anymore that tie me to here.  The 'closure' was on my terms instead of hers and it felt great. 

still around

Another great day and evening.  The bloodsucker came by and said I was 'cranky' to her  - do you think she thinks I care?  Maybe I do enjoy hurting her - just a wee bit because she hurt me so bad... is that wrong I don't think so! She deserves it - as much as I can give!
In other new I am planning a trip in July to florida for a friends wedding!  I have even called my sister in law to see if we could stop in at her house for one night of rest and head out the next morning! It's interesting that I am planning so much - usually I am too nervous and anxious to something like that but I guess this in the new me!

girls night

Had a great night last night with just us girls and yes the bloodsucker was there and I did just fine.  My friends even said they were so proud of me. I was cordial and nothing else because nothing else was necessary because she is not my friend.  Later in the evening I even shared some personal info with another friend who is going through a hard time and it felt good to share because I have done nothing wrong.  I am getting stronger and I know it - it feels good!

finally it was therapy day

Wow I can't believe this day finally came.  I love my new therapist and she was great with me.  She made me feel normal and human and that I have done nothing wrong.  We did talk about my childhood and all the bad things that happened and she congratulated me on making it out alive - I forget how many hours I prayed to grow up and get out of that house alive.  I wasn't sure if I would ever make it but she's right I did and I am a strong person I just need to realize that once in a while.  We also discussed the particulars of my previous breakdowns and my most recent.  She said you sure have a way of self destruction - so true - I know I'm good at it.  How did you end up with such a nice sounding husband and I said 'by the grace of God'.  He has forgiving me time and time again for my craziness - I even warned him before we ever started dating that I came with a lot of baggage from my childhood and he didn't care.  And so many other times I have just wanted to give up and he won't let me - I feel like God sent him to me so I could finally be happy - though it is hard for me to believe I deserve it at times.  We talked about my anger with my father and she recommends staying away from my family for right now.  And yes we talked about my choices in friends - how they swoop into my life with a lot of drama and I get involved in it and try to help them and poof they are gone and done with me!  Sometimes they come back with the same old song and dance and I fall for it again. the therapist says it is like all those years I tried to fix my mom and couldn't and I was / still am hurt.  So I am trying to fix everyone else and can't and bring up that original hurt all over again - how many times can I pull off that scab before I break? I've got a lot to work on. I am supposed to be setting boundaries with the current person who has hurt me and we will work on warning signals next time of bad friendships. I need to learn that you can't make friends that easy with someone and that  some people are good at finding you weakness and will use them against you.   I go back in a couple of weeks and I can't wait.