today with sarah

I had to help Sarah at work today and of course the bloodsucker came by a couple of times.  I ignored her most of the time but I did offer to leave the office when I walked in on them if they needed to talk.  It is weird and uncomfortable and God love my husband cause he called Sarah and asked her to be a little more sensitive about her new girlfriend coming in the office while I am in there helping her with her work. And he said that I was more forgiving than he would be.  Of course I know she will tell the bloodsucker and she will know that bothers  me and get a big hear about it. Oh well after tomorrow I'm off work for surgery and that will be a good thing because when I am back at work they won't need me to help Sarah anymore.  I post as soon as I can on how my surgery went and I'm doing!  Until then...

saturday with sarah

Well my friend came over and was honest with me today.  Turns out she and the bloodsucker are a 'couple'.  It had to have been hard for her to tell me - she went into all her feelings that she has had as a teenager, adult and married life.  I had know idea of course I didn't become friends with her till we met in her early 20's.  Wow, she has always been so reserved and never seemed happy until she and her husband adopted their baby.  And I guess I understand now why because she was hiding something or rather trying to push those  feelings away.  Her husband wants her to file for divorce immediately and that's fine with Sarah because she is 'done' anyway and she wants to be with women.  She says things haven't been right for years and he knows about 2 other women early on in their relationship before and after marriage- it was okay with him then but things have changed now because she has left him and the things she has heard about the bloodsucker from me, my husband and other folks who know how she can be.  I admire her honesty - she wanted to tell her parents and me herself.  Her husband is being difficult (understandably b/c his whole world is changing) about the whole thing wanted to spill the beans to us - but he allowed her time to tell us.  It doesn't bother me at all that she is a lesbian - what bothers me is that she has fallen for the bloodsucker.  She wanted me to to okay with it because she and I have been friends for a long time - I told her that I was not going to trash talk her and if she is making her happy then that was all I cared about.  She says that maybe she's a fool - she's keeping her guard up but that she is happy.  We agreed we didn't want this to affect our friendship.  I told her that I didn't feel I could just go get a beer with them just yet but maybe in the future with a big group of people b/c I could never trust this person.  She says she understands that and knows that this may just be a fleeting relationship but she is out now to everyone.  She knows the road ahead is going to be difficult and I am so glad I got her to see a therapist.  Maybe that's my reason for being here on earth - not 'to rescue' as my therapist says but just to give a gentle push in the right direction and just let go.

My husband is still worried and wants me to break this relationship with Sarah - says if I let this bloodsucker back into my life that 'we are done.'  What he doesn't understand is that I need my true friends now even if they are making what we think are bad decisions.  If I let 'her' back into my life - it won't matter about me and Tony b/c I will be done. That's how she works...

the second opinion

The verdict is in - The second opinion does see a medial meniscus tear!  I have day surgery scheduled for next thurs!  Actually I'm doing okay with the news.  I am just glad to know why I am getting worse instead of better!

My friend Sarah went for her 1st counseling session tonight and I am so happy for her - that way she can talk to someone other than the bloodsucker.  In fact interestingly enough she does want to hang out with me on sat - I am suprised it is with me rather than 'her' but I am not going to question it!  Maybe she's had a breakthrough or maybe she just wants to talk with someone other than 'her'.   Please God help be say and do the right things and keep my nose out of business I'm not supposed to be in!

much better now

Boy I was sure down on Monday...  later that evening I discovered my antidepressant that I take in the morning still in the pill box!  Wow, that's what happens when I miss one dose!  I was a mess and thank God I had the day off and was able to spend it with my friend Vickie - she accepts me as I am when I fall apart - she's just there.  We spent the afternoon crying and drinking beer.  We later had a good laugh about me missing my pill  'Oh Lis, no wonder you were such a mess' and I said 'Vic, I'm glad I was with you when it happened it was meant to be'. 

The MRI shows no tear but the doc wants a second opinion.  Of course I got a stern lecture on how I have been getting back in to running and walking too soon - I didn't want to tell him his therapists said I could try but I know I've been pushing myself beyond to get back in the game. He says to stop it all now - I've got to get well.  He keeps saying over and over that even when I get well that running is not going to be a good option for me :(  and I need to consider biking b/c it is does not pound on the knees.  Walking at this point is to hard for this injury :(  So now that plan is if the 2nd opinion is okay I will begin having a series of shots - which lubricate the knee joint - it supposed to hurt worse than a cortisone shot!  But anything is better than surgery at this point!  I am going be be evaluated for a brace thurs - i guess that will slow me down too!  What an interesting adventure this has been.


My husband bought me a new bike yesterday in support of my non running/walking verdict from the doc - it is so pretty.  He is such a sweetie - he has already purchased something for my car to load the bikes on!  I'm ready!  I love the feeling of moving fast when I exercise - I guess that's why I love running so.  So here goes!  Of course when the doc says....

my knee

I have to give in and have an MRI of my knee tomorrow!  I am scared - it is not as good as it should be and I might have a medial meniscus tear...   whatever the hell that is!  I feel like a failure - as if I need anymore proof of this...

therapy day

I couldn't wait to see the therapist today to tell her all the drama that happened in the last 2 weeks.  She said I have taken 2 steps forward and one step back.  But I will get back on track - all the drama has just brought up old feelings of hurt.  She said look at all of us who rallied around the bloodsucker during her recent crisis - she loved the attention and I just fell right into it but calling her.  I was a fool and  she is keeping tabs on me by having Sarah in her web and my therapist I said need to avoid her right now to get back on track.  That'll be hard since we've been friends so long but I cannot rescue her from this toxic person - she has to learn just as I did.  This was just a hiccup in my healing process and I will prevail! 

how far i've come

As I read my posts I realize how far I've come.  But I do feel like it could so easily change.  My husband said today 'when will the drama end' ' please let it end' but I have no control.  This disease does this to you- your up one day and the next your down.  Now I have so many better days but with the drama going on at work with the bloodsucker and trying to get along with my new boss - it has me questioning myself all over again.  The bloodsucker has a hold of my friend Sarah now as I mentioned and I want to save her but I know I cannot for my own sake.  She told me today 'I don't know what went on with the 2 of you and I don't want to know'  that hurt because I told her everything, the lies she told, the drama and the brainwashing that was done - now it's like she has forgotten it - this is my good friend.  It's like the bloodsucker's denial of what she did has brainwashed my friend - like tt never happened.  Please God help Sarah get out of the web.  And please help me remember that I have to stay far away from this person.  I am okay and 'it was not real'.  I know I have been doing good but the past couple of days I feel like I'm slipping a bit.  Therapy is Thursday and I can't wait.