the knee

My physical therapy appt went great today and my main therapist treated me today and she said that I have made great strides since she saw me 2 week ago!  She has given me 3 harder exercises to do to prepare me for my appt with the Dr. next Wednesday.  More good news - I don't have to do the exercise 3 times a day now I can just do them 2 times a day!  What a relief - it's been a full time job doing them so much.  The bad news is that I will be going back to work as so as next Thursday :(  I have really come to enjoy my time off but I know it must come to an end.  I don't want to be sick or hurting anymore but my mental state has improved so much with the time off.  Thank you God for this time to heal physically and mentally!  

i had to get away

I went for a bike ride with a friend and it was so nice and relaxing.  Then sat and rocked on the front porch with a beer.  It helped clear my mind.  Feeling better now!

work

My work is driving my crazy - well I guess that I'm letting it.  I keep getting calls from my coworkers and friends at work about the changes they are trying to make on my unit while I'm gone.  Why do people have to do crap like that?  Luckily some of my coworkers share my same vision of my unit and will try to do their best to to keep it's integrity but in the end someone at the top of the food chain is the one in control.  Its that new boss of mine  she has now idea of how that unit is to be run.  I only hope that they don't anger too many of my family members and my little ladies & gents in the meantime.  I wish I could kick some butt but I am in no shape right now but soon, very soon...  for now I have to let go and let God...

yesterday at home

It went fine yesterday and I got to go thru all of Tony's mom's jewelry - which is what he so desperately wanted.  I was so proud I was able to help him with something.  You can really tell he and his brothers have been working on the house since I have not been back since right after she passed away.  I was okay and it was easier coming back this time since I feel so much better.  Later that night we went out with one of his brothers and his wife and had a great time. We went out to eat and then topped of our evening with a walk thru our neighborhood - its a historic district. 

Today I went for a short bike ride in my new bike and had a nice time.  It was warm and sunny and was good for the soul.  The only thing I forgot was my lock to secure it when I met Tony at Hardee's after his run!  I kept a close eye on it and I will remember next time - funny because I remembered the key but not the lock!

I'm feeling great overall mentally and physically!  My knee's doing ok and I'm getting ready to go finish my upper body workout in a bit. 

going home today

Today I'm going to help my husband go through some of his mother's belongings in her bedroom. She passed away in November during my first breakdown and I just couldn't hardly deal with it all.  No one has touched anything in that room since she's passed.  It will be sad but he's been wanting me to do this for sometime and I finally feel ready to help him with it. His sisters aren't ready but he wants it done...  Before I wasn't ready but I feel a lot stronger now to help him through this.

it feels good

Right now I feel at peace - the praying for forgiveness seems to be helping.  I will keep it up as long as necessary even if it is for my whole life.  But you know maybe there will be a time that I won't need to because I will finally give myself a break...

praying for forgiveness instead

2 days in a row I have prayed that I would begin to forgive myself.  I am doing this rather than praying for relief of the usual worry / guilt / anxiety / restlessness.  I believe that if I forgive myself those other things will go away. Sometime you've just gotta know what to pray for - God lease let that be true.  I have made many mistakes in my life but It's not because it's what I deserve or I had it coming to me.   For example:  I did not deserve what that bloodsucker did to me!! I may have made mistakes with her but she used me in her game.  Luckily I came out of it before real damage was done.  But I DID NOT DESERVE THE WAY I WAS TREATED.   I have to tell myself this out loud because the inner voice from my childhood says - your mom would think so - you were good for nothing anyways, you weren't gonna amount to anything...
So I have to stop that inner voice and I will.  I have proved my mother wrong but she will never see it because she's sick. I did not deserve the way she treated me either but she couldn't help it b/c of her sickness and I have to let it go.   I am remembering that quote - forgiving means giving up all hope of a better past!  I love that!

If only Sarah could see the light but she's too in love right now - I pray for her everyday!

I do feel really good today - no kidding!  I am staying in my pj's until I go and get my nails done at 4:30p and then girls nite is later tonight - woo hoo!