i've packed

Well, I've packed my office up - don't know where I'm going or when I'm leaving but I'm ready for anything at a moments notice.  Today I put 5 bags of text books, personal items, etc in the trunk of my car.  It makes me feel better just to be ready.  I cannot stand it in that toxic place anymore. My unit manager put in her notice Monday and I just can't get past it.  It's just like last year - this was how it all began - one loss after another and then I just broke down.  I am not gonna let it happen again!  Tony's okay with it as long as I'm looking forward.  I've got my resume in several places but no scheduled interviews yet.  We will see. Thank God I have therapy tomorrow afternoon.

sunny day

Spent yesterday with one of my best friends just lounging in her pool having girl talk and working on our tan for florida - she's getting married in 3 weeks!  It was nice and she's noticed how good I feel -  I feel so different and at peace it amazing.  But I needed to get out of the house for awhile.  My husband was on edge, working on a car that just keeps breaking down and his father stayed over as he has been doing like every other week because he's lonely.  They have never been close. His dad is a sober alcoholic so you know what all comes with that.   And since his mom died he is forced into being close to his dad and it just brings up old junk - I can understand that!  So I thought it was best that I get out for awhile - because we were snippy with each other and I didn't want to say anything we'd regret. His best friend is out of town but I think he just needed to be by himself for awhile. So after an afternoon break - he had calmed down and we went out for awhile.  I wish I could do more to help him but all I can do is be there and listen - and sometimes just get out of his way!  LOL

work sucks

What I really mean is the mood of the building - not particularly me.  I am okay... I feel so much at peace right know and others have noticed too.  What will be will be.  I will do my half days and get done what I can and get out of there with no drama and trauma.  My good friend Amy who has held my unit together while I was on leave is now on leave herself- for mental - she needs it so bad.  And my unit manager who I love so much is also quitting next month - she is the best thing that ever happened to me on my unit!  She helped me together at work during my breakdowns until I had to take my leave for my knee!  This place is breaking everyone's spirits!  But it won't break me and I know that now and I am so proud of myself.  Boy I've come along way and I am so proud of myself!

my birthday

Today I am celebrating my 42nd birthday!  With effort I put an exclamation point.  I share my birthday with a beautiful lady - my mother in law who would have been 78 this year.  As you may recall she's passed away  about 7 mos ago right in the middle of my first break down.  Our birthday this year just doesn't hold the excitement it used too.  I used to always celebrate my birthday as a month rather than the just the day and she shared the same excitement.  We rejoiced in sharing that same birthday since she adopted me into her family when Tony and I were just dating 21 years ago!  He used to make us a cheesecake to celebrate - with cherries on top and we laugh and say if we ever got married there would be no way he could ever forget our birthdays!  We used to go out to lunch for our birthdays together and when the waiter asked if we wanted to share our free dessert we just look at each other and laughed and in unison said 'NO".  Then at the end we would exchange the checks and pay for each others lunch.  We always had so much fun together.  She is really on my mind today for obvious reasons and last night we went to a special mass for her with some of the family - it was nice.  My hope is that next year that I can celebrate for the both of us without feeling so sad.  I know you just gotta get past all the 'firsts' first.  So Happy Birthday to us!  I love you Mammaw!  And miss you too!

i made it!

I did it, I made it thru my first day.  I was so anxious and nervous but as my counselor said - you made it!  I can see why i am only half days because my legs are tired.  Sarah actually came to my unit to see me and I was glad  and we had a nice short visit.  And yes I saw you know who, the bloodsucker, and it was fine - she was with one other person and it was easy, very brief chit chat from a distance and I made it!  Gotta go to bed now and rest those knees!

today's the day

I've already had a good cry this morning during my prayers.  I'm okay now.  I go in at noon and I as resting my legs in preparation for today. Thoughts for today:   I CANNOT GET IT ALL DONE TODAY,  PRIORITIZE,  ONE DAY AT A TIME, LET GO & LET GOD, GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE  and finally:  WORK DOES NOT HAVE TO BE MY LIFE ANY MORE. 

back to work!

Well I actually have be released to go back tomorrow for half days!  I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I must remember that I can't get it done all in one day!  My boss was actually very welcoming to me - I know - watch my back.  But I am glad and I have see my counselor tomorrow after work - great timing huh?