feeling good

I am surprised at how good i feel everyday- the peace and contentment.  Even though the jobs not perfect (what one would be?)  i am doing what my therapist and consultant have advised me to do and just stay around those who give me those positive vibes and feedback.  I generally steer clear of the boss and have given up hope of warm fuzzies with her.  And since doing so it's very freeing..  not to say i don't have to remind myself once in a while but over all it has helped.  Talked to a old co worker on FB today and she asked how the new job was going and i said - good but i feel like i could wake up at any moment feeling like i never left that toxic place - what a night mare that would be!!  I wonder when it will feel real?  I have not committed my whole life to this job and that's a good thing for me mentally but guess that's why it doesn't feel real that i left. I have less than a month to go for my 6 month trial of this job - wonder if i'll stay...  i know i need a job but it is comforting to know that i can leave if it doesn't work out.  It's up to me and i just haven't decided yet...  

the black swan

Went to the cheap movie theater to see the black swan.  Oh my God what a movie!  I was on the edge of my seat the whole entire time.  It was so disturbing and right now all i can think of was my decent into madness over a year ago and am so grateful that it i did not get that way.  It's hard work being healthy but my God it must be worse not getting the help i have.  My therapist is always telling me she doesn't worry about the people who are in therapy - it's the folks that aren't that she's worried about.   I know it was just a movie but honestly it has made me appreciate my life and my mental health in a whole new way. 

still having issues with the boss

I had therapy this week and talked the whole time about the boss - and she just is unable to give me what i need.  She is just not that kinda of boss.  My therapist and i agreed that i would just try it for six months and move on if i want.  She is not, as i have said before, a warm fuzzy person but sometimes she can be downright rude.  But i has seen that it is not with just me, so i have to just learn to accept it or move on.  My therapist said i need to get my warm fuzzies elsewhere with other co workers who can give it.  And i have been trying a little bit and that's going okay.  I even shared with my consultant the difference i see in my boss at time of hire and now and she said she would pass this along anonymously to the higher ups - it may backfire on me but i had to say something.  This company is supposed to be different!!!  Oh well i just had to get outta where i was. I am supposed to focus on the residents, the praise i get from their family and warm fuzzies from my co workers.  Go to work and do the best i can and if it is not good enough then this was not the place for me.  But i hope it is because i do like it... So there it is that's what i am where i am at today...

so... do you like your job?

This was what my psych nurse practitioner asked me the other day when i went for a follow up appt and was having a horrible day.  And i said you know what i don't think it even matters if i like my job or not - it was just an escape from a bad situation. Now i don't mean that i don't like taking care of the people - that is my love and passion...  what i mean is the new environment, people and situations.  It's not that i'm insecure or anything now - i am confident that i know what i'm doing.  I'm not depressed or anxious right now - really! Recovery as i read the other day is forward, neutral and reverse..  i go thru stages all of these sometimes through out they day!  Right now at this moment i am forward - the day of the 'question' i was in reverse and last monday when i saw my therapist i was neutral.  It's okay though.  I am in a better place mentally now - i'm still healing and that's all that matters.  And i have discovered over the last couple of weeks that my boss is treating me like she does everyone else - she's just not the warm fuzzy kinda person.  I have even told her that i need to hear from her once in a while that i am doing a good job (thinking that would help her - ha!) - but she's just not having any of it.  She can't do it.  It's not me like i said - she's treating everyone that way and i can handle it better now knowing that her attitude is not just especially for me.  It's kinda funny who she's pick to pick on - it's so obvious - i honestly think she can't help it.  I'm sure she must be a nice person to somebody out there - maybe her family - but i've just come to the realization i don't care anymore if she likes me.  That's a lot for me because i want people to like me - a lot!   But no - i am there to take care of the folks - do my job and leave the rest behind.  Much better than where i was a year ago.  So see...  it doesn't really matter if i like my job or not - i am content in my life, i'm still learning about myself, God is still testing me and with his help i am getting better! 

Other news.... my dad never got the email where i confronted him - so here i thought all this time this my confrontation had given me the answer that he didn't have anything to say about it.  But no he never got it ( something about his computer being down, really?) so i re-sent it... and he told me he was sorry for causing me pain (which was all i wanted)  but it still came with the same excuses i begged him not to give me.  He just does get - can't get it - or won't get it.  He's asked to to contact him but i don't want to right now and my therapist says i don't have to.  So that's over again - much less climatic this time...

home again

Just got back from a vacation in old san juan!  I was able to enjoy this vacation to puerto rico much better than last year because i am so much healthier this year! Its amazing how much junk in your head can ruin everything in your life.  But i am soo much better.  Not broken anymore...  my therapist relates my recovery to a dumped out apple cart and that i am picking up the pieces of my life that i want and throwing out the things i don't. I have never done this before and it feels weird but good at the same time.  Like i said it's a new me and i don't recognize myself anymore but i am liking me for the first time!  All is well..  life is good...

past my 90 days :)

I feel better...  i think now just knowing that i have made it past my 90 period at work (it was thurs)  has helped me settle in and settle down.  There was a 2 week period of doubt and negative thinking that i had to drudge through but some how i snapped out of it.  I just kept praying to God please don't let me blow this opportunity you have given me if it is your will...  and finally it just kicked in that i was going to be okay. I wish i could stop my negative thought patterns for good but i can't help it.  I am trying and it seems that i can recognize it sooner than before - so that has to be some progress huh?  I've even gotten better with the newest blood sucker in my life - i just don't pay any real attention to her now and that has helped me cope with her.  And i think she knows i could care less now.  She has found a new audience - good for her and for me! 

crying to the boss

I hate that i do this - cry in front of the boss!  But i did when i  had to talk to her about another co worker busting my chops about stuff that isn't any of her business. Since the beginning she makes comments to me that make me feel like she's trying to get me in trouble or that she thinks i don't what i'm doing.  I have a lot to learn about how this company does things and i'm not perfect but i am trying.  I don't have that much time on my hands to pick at other people's work!  So i just had to hear from the boss that i was doing a good job or that even if there was problems that she at least saw that i was trying.  She said that i was doing fine, that she really didn't have a hold of all i have to do for my job but that she had no concerns.  She said as she often does the first year of opening a new building is hard and she said we all have a lot to learn. She told me to tell this co worker politely that my programs are different from hers and not to take what she said as that i'm not doing a good job.  She said she would come to me if there was an issue.  I told her that at my last job there was so much backstabbing and spying going on that this was just bothering me and i had to get it out.  Even though i feel like that this is not her management style i told her i was worried b/c the co worker kept saying stuff like you might get in trouble or i don't want you to lose your job, etc.  In addition, 3 different times people have come up to me this week and have made a special point to say that i was doing a good job out of the blue, after this co worker has made about my work and it kinda made me paranoid that this person was talking about me behind my back.  I did share this with the boss because this company has no tolerance for politics - the boss said she has not come to her with any concerns.  I hope the boss doesn't think bad of me for coming to her but i needed to find out from her personally.  I know that i take a lot of stuff personal but sometimes i just need some reassurance that i'm okay from the boss - i hope this is a normal thing and not my irrational thoughts coming in to play here.