i'm okay right now

Feeling very at peace right now.  No drama at work going on real or imagined by me.  Now that i have passed my six month mark the anxiety of it all has ended and i have decided to give it six more months - they keep telling us that it's hard that first year but it will get better.  I am finally starting to believe it.  So like i said i am at peace right now.  Med change i am sure had a lot to do with it but for right now that's okay. Things that were disturbing me at work 2-3 weeks ago and making me anxious are no longer.  I can look at it like an outsider and see why i was responding the way i was.  Feel like right now i am in forward of my recovery...  for a change :)

better now

I'm feeling better now...  feeling like i can focus more.  i hate that i have to have an increase but my nurse practitioner feels i need it to help me get through whatever is going on in my head now.  My therapist agreed and i am scheduled to see them both sooner than usual to check in.  At least i can have a day w/o crying again.  This mental disease just creeps up on you when you least expect it... It sure gets old.

i'm still sick

Well my meds have been increased - i guess i am not doing as well as i thought.  Today was just as bad...  i just can't handle it all....  

it's still a pig

I am so aggravated at my work place right now...  We just had our second round of supposed 'motivational talks' and 'idea sharing' to get the census up for our very new campus.  I just am not feeling with the boss and all:  they tell us we are almost over the hump' (1st yr is the hardest opening up a new place) - 'we're almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel' but as i sit in the room i am feeling the same s--- all over again.  I am working for another for profit company and this game is no different than the one i left (well it doesn't have the drama, entanglement in my personal life & sexual harassment)!  I don't trust these folks either. And i don't know if any of these folks will be around in 6 mos much less myself (remember, i still haven't decided) - one of my co workers is sure she will be fired any day now (i'm afraid she's right).  It just seems so fake...  'can we get a commitment for everyone?',  'we are all in this together' - i just don't believe it.  One of the folks said we just need to support one another and another said maybe we need to pray...   The talk ended in a prayer and get us pumped up - the prayer was a nice -then there was a big group hug and i quickly got outta there before i had to be faced with hugging the boss.  I went to the bathroom and cried and i just wanted to vomit - because i felt like we were justifying building up business but it's okay b/c we prayed.  This angers me a great deal.  You can dress up the pig (the company), put on make up and pray...  but it is still a pig!  Now i feel bad that i have said this but this is just how i am feeling right now...  i know i need to work but this game is just getting me down.  Now don't get me wrong i know this is just the way it is everywhere but i guess i never give up hope that i will find that different place... It is a good place to work for and they do take good care of the residents but i just don't like the window dressing in the name of the Lord...  But i do love what i do...  and this is a wonderful opportunity for me to start over...  what to do...  I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow - maybe she'll have an idea...  will i ever be well?????

feeling good

I am surprised at how good i feel everyday- the peace and contentment.  Even though the jobs not perfect (what one would be?)  i am doing what my therapist and consultant have advised me to do and just stay around those who give me those positive vibes and feedback.  I generally steer clear of the boss and have given up hope of warm fuzzies with her.  And since doing so it's very freeing..  not to say i don't have to remind myself once in a while but over all it has helped.  Talked to a old co worker on FB today and she asked how the new job was going and i said - good but i feel like i could wake up at any moment feeling like i never left that toxic place - what a night mare that would be!!  I wonder when it will feel real?  I have not committed my whole life to this job and that's a good thing for me mentally but guess that's why it doesn't feel real that i left. I have less than a month to go for my 6 month trial of this job - wonder if i'll stay...  i know i need a job but it is comforting to know that i can leave if it doesn't work out.  It's up to me and i just haven't decided yet...  

the black swan

Went to the cheap movie theater to see the black swan.  Oh my God what a movie!  I was on the edge of my seat the whole entire time.  It was so disturbing and right now all i can think of was my decent into madness over a year ago and am so grateful that it i did not get that way.  It's hard work being healthy but my God it must be worse not getting the help i have.  My therapist is always telling me she doesn't worry about the people who are in therapy - it's the folks that aren't that she's worried about.   I know it was just a movie but honestly it has made me appreciate my life and my mental health in a whole new way. 

still having issues with the boss

I had therapy this week and talked the whole time about the boss - and she just is unable to give me what i need.  She is just not that kinda of boss.  My therapist and i agreed that i would just try it for six months and move on if i want.  She is not, as i have said before, a warm fuzzy person but sometimes she can be downright rude.  But i has seen that it is not with just me, so i have to just learn to accept it or move on.  My therapist said i need to get my warm fuzzies elsewhere with other co workers who can give it.  And i have been trying a little bit and that's going okay.  I even shared with my consultant the difference i see in my boss at time of hire and now and she said she would pass this along anonymously to the higher ups - it may backfire on me but i had to say something.  This company is supposed to be different!!!  Oh well i just had to get outta where i was. I am supposed to focus on the residents, the praise i get from their family and warm fuzzies from my co workers.  Go to work and do the best i can and if it is not good enough then this was not the place for me.  But i hope it is because i do like it... So there it is that's what i am where i am at today...