...

I met an old friend for dinner the other night who is also friend of Sarah's  - we all used to work together and hang out.  She said Sarah did not mention seeing me and they met a couple of weeks after i ran into Sarah.  I wonder if my friend is protecting me... or if Sarah just didn't really mention it.  I mean we were so close it would be difficult to not talk about each other b/c we were all so intertwined in each others lives - it would be like the elephant in the room.  When i met my friend we got that (Sarah) out of the way early in the evening and i was so glad b/c it was a weight lifted... and then we could move on to other topics  and later I shared a funny story about Sarah and could giggle w/o grief/sadness.  Interesting huh?  I guess to me...  why do i miss someone so much who hurt me? She obviously does not miss me and she certainly is not the person i thought she was or who she thought she was...

Anyway this friend and i have been friends a long time and she asked how i was really doing and i found myself telling her that i know longer feel like i have to be that little abused child that had to fight for everything anymore - not that i don't think about her but i think about how far i have come in my recovery process and wow!  I told her i am so different and told her about the goals i am supposed to be working on and how i am stuck in that process w/o making the first step.  She was so happy for me and i am happy for her.  She also has some issues going one but appears to be handling it all okay since we left our previous place of employment.  We talked about how it seems so long ago even though it hasn't even been a year yet!   What a difference a few months makes!!

Therapy is still the best gift i ever gave myself!

in limbo

Here i am lying in waiting....  I am supposed to be thinking about what i want in 5 years - 10 years!  i can't do it!!!  I don't even know what i will be doing in 5 days! Recovery is funny...  your up one day the next your down - actually is minute by minute:  second by second.  I honestly have never given any thought as to what i want - i have always someone else do it for me...   who am i?  i don't know yet?  will i ever know?  43 years...  you'd think i would know who i am by now...

it's my birthday

Today is my 43rd birthday - happy birthday to me this person i do not recognize!  I am getting used to not knowing who i am everyday...  it kind funny.  For 40+ years i have been an abused girl that let's people take advantage of.  I don't identify with her anymore.  Not that i don't have my days but for the most part i am still a new me.  Daily i am still figuring that out and hope i like the end result... so far so good...  My therapist told me monday she wants to to look long term at what i want in 5 years and 10 years and so on...  i'll  be chewing on that one for awhile in my quiet moments.  It's nice to have junk out of you head so you can think about things like that...  i have never had this before...  Happy birthday to me - and i cannot forget my dear mother in law -may she still be Resting In Peace- who also shared my birthday - miss and love you!!!!!

ray lamontagne, 18th anniversary & such

Just went to cinninati area for the weekend for my 18th anniversary and had a ball.  My dream has come true - see ray lamontagne!!  Great seats - in row K - awesome! He is a folk singer that i found thru one of my facebook friends...  and his songs just spoke to me!  I immediately went to Amazon.com and bought all of his cd's - love them all!!  His music has been essential in my recovery - it's like he knows just how to express loss and heartache in a way us regular folks cannot.  As i cried during the concert at a couple of songs my husband said - i didn't bring you here to cry!!  It was the best anniversary present - not only did i get to see an idol - i also got to spend some quality time with my wonderful husband.  I have been looking thru old albums too reminiscing of our life in amazement how quickly 18 years has gone by.  If i had to do it all over again....  i wouldn't change a thing!

ps  ray's music is featured on that cute little commercial btw with the little dog and his bone for a ins company (i think travelers) - 'trouble... trouble trouble trouble trouble'  it's adorable...

Relix - Video - Live at Relix - Daphne Willis "One By One"

Relix - Video - Live at Relix - Daphne Willis "One By One"

this spoke to me...

worse than the bloodsucker

Sarah was worse than the bloodsucker... time and hindsight is 20/20.  She pretended to be concerned about me and what the bloodsucker was doing to me...  all the while getting info to talk the bloodsucker and form a relationship with her. She even shared a 'secret' to help me feel better about what i was going through in order to get more info.  How could a 'friend' do this  - can love (or lust) for another lead you to break off all relationships with people you care about?  Well in her ex husband's case and guess yes it had to be... but a friend?  Yes because i guess the bloodsucker couldn't let me go at that time because i was the first person who had rejected her in her whole life and Sarah wanted to help me and get out of her way...

anger stage

You know how you go thru stages of grief?  I am just beginning the anger stage of my end of supposed 'friendship' of 10 years with sarah.  I started it in therapy the other day with comments such as 'she knows what she did' and 'we were never really friends if she did that to me'.  The words just flew out w/o me even realizing what i sad.  Since then i have had a lot of thoughts about it and recalled things that really shed light on the situation - hind sight is 20/20 you know. Now i know that people go thru stages of grief differently and often go back into previous stages again this may be me - b/c most of the time i am still sad over the whole situation.  But i am beginning to have more instances where i am truly angry...