name change

felt it was time to change the name again...  change is good!  and i really believe it.  therapy has ended as i mentioned and things are maintaining.  i went to see my nurse practitioner last wed and she has asked me to stop taking the daytime anxiety pill b/c she thinks i don't need it anymore - she wants me to back off so we can go up if i get in trouble later on - it's such a high dose anyways.  she explained the full pill i take at night remains in my system the whole 24 hrs.  i was scared too but once i made the decision to give it a try my fears were relieved.  and i did it and so far so good - i don't fell as dozy when i am sitting still and i feel comfortable in my own skin with the change.  she also explained the decrease will speed up my metabolism - that's gotta be a bonus!  esp where exercise is concerned!  so anyways that's what's up with me for now...

i've graduated

well i did it!  she felt like i was ready and so did i!  she said i could stay on if i wanted to check in for accountability or go it alone...  and i chose to go ahead on my own.  we talked about what things would i look for that i needed to come back... signs and all...  and my therapist said it sounded like i knew what to do.  so here i am winging for awhile!  i know i can do this and if i slip she says i don't have to call right away just think back of all that i have learned and see what i what i could do to fix it - cuz now i know why i do what i do.  if that does not work - she is just a phone call away...

she said the magic words!

at my last therapy session my therapist told me that she would see me for a couple of more visits and then stretch the visits out farther for accountability and then 'graduate' me!  yes!  music to my ears!  i have been so busy with vacation and such i was unable to write about it but i am so excited!!! i have waited for this for so long and truly believe i have done the work worthy of graduating in the near future.  i am really proud of my self and so glad  God  he has led me on this path to recovery - without him i may not have stayed in this world - but i am so glad i listened to him!  i have always wanted some kind of vision or sign from God but never really felt it but i think for me it was way more subtle that i expected and when i look back it was there but i couldn't or didn't want to see it.  they say he works in mysterious ways...

what a year

happy new year!  and wow have i changed.  you don't see it yourself but it's happening...  creeping up on you.  when i look back on my very first posts since on this blog - wow.  dang i was in some deep scary stuff.  behind the words there is so much more that i couldn't even say.  even in the last year specifically after a change in work, friends, etc.  it is amazing that i am still getting better - and i have to say i am proud.  cheers to growing, changing, morphing and hope for another good year!

whew!

well didn't have to worry about my home work because therapist said maybe i wasn't ready yet and that was okay - whew!  but it still hangs there waiting for me.  i know i won't be healed completely till i do this but for some reason i feel i need to still persecute myself.  i need to remember that i was a victim for what happened - all my life - it's to hard to see right now...  i just want to move on and not identify with that person anymore. 

other distractions now are a good friend's daughter has breast cancer at 41! and a sweet little 2 year old died yesterday of brain cancer - i follow his momma's blog..  wow that'll really bring you back to reality. 

don't know the answers to life...  just trying to stay in the game.  it gets easier everyday with prayer - so glad i have found that part of myself...

avoiding homework

no i am not back in school...  i am supposed to be writing a letter to myself ...  where i am supposed to forgive myself...  not doing so good on that one! in fact just avoiding it all together.  in my defense i have been busy with work, was on vacation, the holidays, etc.  anyways therapy tomorrow - what should i do say -  my dog ate my homework? LOL

still here

i've not been posting as much...  i must be feeling pretty good and i am sure the road back to running has helped me feel more like myself!!  i am still running once a week - now last week i got in an extra day and that was a celebration!  it's going well only having to stop a couple of times when that knee starts feeling funny - not hurting but just feels funny.  it's hard to describe but i listen to it - give it a break for a moment and then start again.  no more racing for me and that's fine.  i am happy just to be moving my body in that familiar way again - it feels great.  other news:  had been a month since last therapy session and i felt like i had so much going on.  going every 2 weeks seems like too much - which is what i am supposed to do.  but when i try to stretch it out cuz i think i'm okay - it seems i have so much to say and feel like i should have come in sooner!!  ha ha that's how it goes i guess.  i am really working hard but i don't think i will ever graduate - as i call it.  but that is not the plan that God has for me.  i have a lifetime of junk in my head that has to come out so it takes a while to purge it all out.