we're off!

Well i've only worked 8 days and i am already on vacation!!!  It was part of the deal since i already had this trip and our puerto rico in feb planned.  I am ready.  What's on my mind now it writing a thank you note to my self - i wrote to my friend but  my therapist suggested i write one for myself.  She said it would be really difficult but i will try because everything else she recommends works so far.  She also suggested that tony and i not dread or avoid holiday celebrations but rather not attend and go some where just the 2 of us. She says the holidays are not about being somewhere that makes you sad, being with people who've hurt you or bring you down.  She said if you just have to go just drop in on your way to somewhere exciting and get outta there.  So i talked it over with tony and we are going away thanksgiving and Christmas - starting a new tradition just him and me!  I'm excited.  Well i need to pack so i'm post again soon and see how that thank you note goes!  Now that i've said it i have to do it!

thankful

Today i was just feeling very thankful and i needed to send out some thank you cards to coworkers.   I had gotten some sweet cards and gifts when i left my previous employer.  So while i was in the mood i sent to notes to some very good friends who have helped me along my journey to wellness. I still have a long way to go but the important part is i am still on the way! I could not have made it this past year without those friends or my husband, tony - thank you to him too!

and while i'm at it:   thank you kathy who always writes something on my blog on a regular basis :)  it helps me too!

a new beginning

Had my first day yesterday and...  wow....  i felt like i was in disneyland!  It is a brand new building - not even open yet.  Except for the boss and a couple of office folks, we are all new staff to this company and in various stages of our orientation.  I got to wander around (my boss told me too!),look at my new unit and get a feel for it yesterday and read out of my policy and procedures book!  All the staff will be cleaning, unboxing and setting up ...  and i have this overwhelming feel like we are part of something bigger here.  It really feels like a team... refreshing...  see why i feel like i am in disneyland?

dead & buried

It's done...  we buried the past...  and it was a nice, easy, symbolic thing to do. I am ready for tomorrow and i have a clean slate...  no one has to or needs to know what i have been through.   I am a new me...

bury the past

My therapist suggested that i bury something from my former workplace to help me in the letting go process.  After a couple of days i have found the perfect thing - a certificate that i got for 15 yrs of service with the company.  I have scratched out the 15 and put in it's place 18+ and added some comments all around the certificate about my time there and how i felt about management. So it's ready - my husband is gonna help me bury it - it'll kinda be like a little ceremony.  We are going to do it as soon as he can find the key to the shed and definitely do it before i start my new job on Wednesday :)  My therapist was very proud of my conversation with Sarah and how honest i was with her.  She says i still need to let go of the 2 of them. So i  have did what she suggested - prayed for them and turned it over to God - not my problem anymore.  Of course i will always care about Sarah but i can't be a part of her life right now - if ever.  So since i have done this i have found that i don't think of the 2 of them as much and if i do i say to myself - it's in God's hands now... 

officially unemployed!

It feels great - i spent the day yesterday doing things for my self and loved every minute of it.  No regrets...  this has been a year in the making and i'm okay!  Today is lunch with  friend and later therapy - can't wait - i need to be deprogrammed of the toxicity of my previous work place :)

i'm outta there

Well it's over - i did it - i survived.  I cried, said goodbyes,  i cried, laughed and did i mention i cried?  But i made it through the day - when i was done i was just done.  Told the residents i was leaving for vacation and then loved, kissed and cried on the cats and then i just left.  And it was easier walking out of the parking lot than i thought.  I looked back and it was okay.  Even Sarah came by today to say goodbye with tears in her eyes wanting for us to 'stay in touch'  but i just could lie to her and say that i would - she could tell because she said i can tell you don't want too.  I told her i didn't know what she wanted from me because it could never be the same - she hurt me with someone who had hurt me - i told her as long as she was happy that's all i wanted.  She told me that she hates that her  'living her life' was hurting me.  I told her  that it didn't have anything to do with her new 'life'  but it was who she chose to spend it with.  Told her that my husband says i have to stay away from people who hurt me and i know he's right.  Told her that last year has been hell for me and it's not her fault but to go on and live her life and that i would be okay and so would she.  I think these words for hard for her to hear but her words were equally hard for me when she told me she was involved with the blood sucker.  Anyways i feel free and i have till next week to deprogram myself.  I see my therapist on Thursday - thank God! 

today's the last day

My husband just left and before he did he gave me advice - stay away from anyone you don't want to talk to today...  i will do my ever loving best to do that.  I just want to go gently into that good nite - just want closure with my residents, my unit and the 2 unit cats.  Now i won't tell the residents anything other that  i am 'going on vacation' and that i love and will miss them - b/c as much as they have to deal with their dementia - they don't need another loss.  They have always been good about me going on vacation and by then some will forget me and some will still look for me but soon there will be another person in my place and they can take over where i left off.  Well i'm the tears are beginning so i need to stop writing now...  tonight i am going to a play with an old friend Pam and this will take my mind off it and celebrate too!

the final count down

this is my last friday and ooooh it is exciting!  i start my new place on 10-20-2010 - nice ring to it - i think it is a sign!  it will also be my last sat, mon and tues and then i'm outta there...... wow!  this can be done and right now it is so much easier than it was when i put my notice in...  the tears are now gone... now i realized tues they will come again but that's okay!  i'm ready!

offer confirmed

I got the final offer Friday and took it even though it was 15 cents less an hour (but it has a $25 gas card each month and it is closer to home) - as i said before it is the leaving that is important to me not the money.  The job is supposed to be 8-4:30 and i haven't had those hours in years!!!  I think i will gain my life, my time and my self back.  Everyone at work of course wants to know where i'm going and i've decided they can find out on their own - i don't  have to tell them my business.  There are so many cut throats there they may ruin my new opportunity for me - or  maybe i am being a little dramatic.  And besides i don't want to hear any negativity about where i'm going, the company i'm gonna work for etc.  This is a happy time for me and i want to enjoy it w/o others raining on my parade!  Of course everyone i have pissed off at work have come around to wish me well and i just smile with this shi--- grin on my face knowing that i am in a better place.  Even Sarah tried to reach out but i just don't want to hear it and her partner the bloodsucker has also tried to wish me well.  I think they are all having some guilt feelings - my therapist warned me that this would start happening - she is so right.  But I am going to enjoy this moment - i have earned it! Yay for me!