a happy ending

yes i am happy and it is time to end this blog.  this has been a great experience for me to write out my crazy thoughts.  while i have no followers it has not mattered because to me putting my thoughts down like this has  helped me and that's what's important.  now am i healed - not 'broken'?  not now but will i be again - who knows?  but i am not going to worry about that.  this latest breakdown was the worst ever for me but it got me to get the help i needed  and for that i will be forever grateful the lessons it has taught me.  i know what to do but i don't have to do this alone.  my true friends and family know the signs to look for and with God's help  - i know i can do this.  even if  i become 'broken' again...  i think i will come out faster next time...  who knows there might not even be a next time....  maybe i have 'broken' this vicious cycle! 

events turned more interesting

well even more has happened since my last post.  the co worker that was leaving changed her mind and then my boss was suddenly transferred.  although it was what needed to happen...  the change was uncomfortable.  i wasn't sure about the other co workers commitment even though i wanted her to stay but have talk to her since and i feel better about it.  though i want my life to be more than about work i still want folks 'in the sand box' to 'play nice' and be committed to something bigger than a paycheck.  i guess that's the social worker in me or just me as a person.  i want to give good care and have others give it too -  not just because it's my/their  job but because i/they want to.  i have since talked old boss - as i said it was what needed to happen my heart goes out to her.  though we did not always get along we somehow got through it and she let me do my job and i  appreciated that.  i don't want anyone to lose their job.  so anyways that the news now.  work is work.  my emotions at this point continue to be even and stable.  meds are good and are as minimal as i can stand.  praying everyday has been the best part of my recovery.  writing too also helps.  i miss my therapist - even though i know i can call her when i need her.  i just enjoyed her as a person and as a fellow social worker.  any ways gotta go for now.  trip coming up with my husband again.  he is just so good to me and i have come to accept that i do deserve it.  we have been married now 19 years - that's along time to accept huh?

interesting turn of events

This time last week one staff member who i really like turned in her notice... i was really upset b/c we have had all this team building stuff.  i don't want to do it if people are leaving.  But i keep thinking of all the folks we have lost - who's fault is that?  my boss?? i don't know...  then lots of drama at work ensued and next thing i know my boss has been let go and the other person is staying.  It has been an emotional roller coasted at work - not knowing who to turn too or to trust.  I had to talk to the higher ups and that was interesting but i have a clear conscience.  My boss and i have had our difficulties but she lets me do my job and seems to trust me.  As for the others i couldn't say b/c it would only be hear say and that would be fair to my boss.  Change is horrible but i have prayed a lot and it has given me a  great deal of  comfort.  I am so glad i am not as enmeshed in this workplace as i was the other.  It will all be okay.  I am sure of it.

strange day

i have done well since therapy has discontinued.  not that i haven't had moments but the good out weigh those  for sure. i feel i am on the right track emotionally.  which leads me to yesterday.  we had a team building session at work and we had to reveal some personal things about our life to get to know one another.  they were innocent questions like:  what was unique/different about your childhood like and what were the 3 aspects of you life that made you who you are today. i think i had an anxiety attack.. i started sweating and literally i could not hear the people around me speaking b.c i was so worried about what i was going to say.  of course when it came to me i said for the next person to go and we ran out of time - thank God.  but the speaker realized what had happened and notice my emotions getting the best of me.  he rescued me saying sometimes you just can't reveal certain things and you don't have to share if you don't want too b.c sometimes it's too painful.  indeed it was for me and i told him i could try but rather than just my table listening that now the whole room was listening and i just couldn't and he gave me permission not too.  the other members of my table said go to the bathroom, leave for a while what ever but i felt like it was okay to cry in front of the that i didn't need to hide but that there was something i just couldn't share with just anybody but was safe with them knowing there was something... and i made it okay.  course then i worry that folks will see me as that poor crazy girl - it's too soon for them to know this about me... i was hoping they would never find out. oh well i just have to accept it i am the one in this group.  or maybe they are really like me they have just better 'canned' answers than me - maybe that's what i need to work on.

name change

felt it was time to change the name again...  change is good!  and i really believe it.  therapy has ended as i mentioned and things are maintaining.  i went to see my nurse practitioner last wed and she has asked me to stop taking the daytime anxiety pill b/c she thinks i don't need it anymore - she wants me to back off so we can go up if i get in trouble later on - it's such a high dose anyways.  she explained the full pill i take at night remains in my system the whole 24 hrs.  i was scared too but once i made the decision to give it a try my fears were relieved.  and i did it and so far so good - i don't fell as dozy when i am sitting still and i feel comfortable in my own skin with the change.  she also explained the decrease will speed up my metabolism - that's gotta be a bonus!  esp where exercise is concerned!  so anyways that's what's up with me for now...

i've graduated

well i did it!  she felt like i was ready and so did i!  she said i could stay on if i wanted to check in for accountability or go it alone...  and i chose to go ahead on my own.  we talked about what things would i look for that i needed to come back... signs and all...  and my therapist said it sounded like i knew what to do.  so here i am winging for awhile!  i know i can do this and if i slip she says i don't have to call right away just think back of all that i have learned and see what i what i could do to fix it - cuz now i know why i do what i do.  if that does not work - she is just a phone call away...

she said the magic words!

at my last therapy session my therapist told me that she would see me for a couple of more visits and then stretch the visits out farther for accountability and then 'graduate' me!  yes!  music to my ears!  i have been so busy with vacation and such i was unable to write about it but i am so excited!!! i have waited for this for so long and truly believe i have done the work worthy of graduating in the near future.  i am really proud of my self and so glad  God  he has led me on this path to recovery - without him i may not have stayed in this world - but i am so glad i listened to him!  i have always wanted some kind of vision or sign from God but never really felt it but i think for me it was way more subtle that i expected and when i look back it was there but i couldn't or didn't want to see it.  they say he works in mysterious ways...