i'm okay right now

Feeling very at peace right now.  No drama at work going on real or imagined by me.  Now that i have passed my six month mark the anxiety of it all has ended and i have decided to give it six more months - they keep telling us that it's hard that first year but it will get better.  I am finally starting to believe it.  So like i said i am at peace right now.  Med change i am sure had a lot to do with it but for right now that's okay. Things that were disturbing me at work 2-3 weeks ago and making me anxious are no longer.  I can look at it like an outsider and see why i was responding the way i was.  Feel like right now i am in forward of my recovery...  for a change :)

better now

I'm feeling better now...  feeling like i can focus more.  i hate that i have to have an increase but my nurse practitioner feels i need it to help me get through whatever is going on in my head now.  My therapist agreed and i am scheduled to see them both sooner than usual to check in.  At least i can have a day w/o crying again.  This mental disease just creeps up on you when you least expect it... It sure gets old.

i'm still sick

Well my meds have been increased - i guess i am not doing as well as i thought.  Today was just as bad...  i just can't handle it all....  

it's still a pig

I am so aggravated at my work place right now...  We just had our second round of supposed 'motivational talks' and 'idea sharing' to get the census up for our very new campus.  I just am not feeling with the boss and all:  they tell us we are almost over the hump' (1st yr is the hardest opening up a new place) - 'we're almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel' but as i sit in the room i am feeling the same s--- all over again.  I am working for another for profit company and this game is no different than the one i left (well it doesn't have the drama, entanglement in my personal life & sexual harassment)!  I don't trust these folks either. And i don't know if any of these folks will be around in 6 mos much less myself (remember, i still haven't decided) - one of my co workers is sure she will be fired any day now (i'm afraid she's right).  It just seems so fake...  'can we get a commitment for everyone?',  'we are all in this together' - i just don't believe it.  One of the folks said we just need to support one another and another said maybe we need to pray...   The talk ended in a prayer and get us pumped up - the prayer was a nice -then there was a big group hug and i quickly got outta there before i had to be faced with hugging the boss.  I went to the bathroom and cried and i just wanted to vomit - because i felt like we were justifying building up business but it's okay b/c we prayed.  This angers me a great deal.  You can dress up the pig (the company), put on make up and pray...  but it is still a pig!  Now i feel bad that i have said this but this is just how i am feeling right now...  i know i need to work but this game is just getting me down.  Now don't get me wrong i know this is just the way it is everywhere but i guess i never give up hope that i will find that different place... It is a good place to work for and they do take good care of the residents but i just don't like the window dressing in the name of the Lord...  But i do love what i do...  and this is a wonderful opportunity for me to start over...  what to do...  I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow - maybe she'll have an idea...  will i ever be well?????