worse than the bloodsucker

Sarah was worse than the bloodsucker... time and hindsight is 20/20.  She pretended to be concerned about me and what the bloodsucker was doing to me...  all the while getting info to talk the bloodsucker and form a relationship with her. She even shared a 'secret' to help me feel better about what i was going through in order to get more info.  How could a 'friend' do this  - can love (or lust) for another lead you to break off all relationships with people you care about?  Well in her ex husband's case and guess yes it had to be... but a friend?  Yes because i guess the bloodsucker couldn't let me go at that time because i was the first person who had rejected her in her whole life and Sarah wanted to help me and get out of her way...

anger stage

You know how you go thru stages of grief?  I am just beginning the anger stage of my end of supposed 'friendship' of 10 years with sarah.  I started it in therapy the other day with comments such as 'she knows what she did' and 'we were never really friends if she did that to me'.  The words just flew out w/o me even realizing what i sad.  Since then i have had a lot of thoughts about it and recalled things that really shed light on the situation - hind sight is 20/20 you know. Now i know that people go thru stages of grief differently and often go back into previous stages again this may be me - b/c most of the time i am still sad over the whole situation.  But i am beginning to have more instances where i am truly angry...  

still feeling good

Still feeling good and getting used to it.  I mean it - I'm not used to such a feeling.  It's nice not to be worrying and seconding guessing myself all the time.  It's weird to describe but it's a great feeling.  I am content and I think that's wonderful for me at this point of my recovery.  I don't want this feeling to end. 

Interesting note:   i saw sarah for the first time since i left my old place... ran right smack into her in the hallway of my old work place.  I go and visit the cats and the folks i used to care for on the weekends (to avoid certain people) pretty often and had not run into sarah yet but this day she happened to be the manager on duty. The meeting was brief and cordial.  Don't recall who hugged first but i did hug her the second time - don't know why i did but you know i still care about her and wish her the best - despite her hurting me.  But this in no way means we can be friends again.  We did not talk anything personal and felt like i was she didn't miss me at all...  disappointing but okay... can't wait to process this on therapy day - tuesday.  But with that being said - i am still feeling good...

rainy saturday

Funny title because that's all its done for several days now.  Had my follow up appt nurse practitioner due to med changes and all is good.  Of course i see the therapist on a ongoing basis every 2-3 weeks.  Feeling rather good and what ever was going on in my head has seemed to settled itself.  Sure its the meds but am told that it's me too.  When my therapist asked me to look back over what i have accomplished since being in therapy and my whole life for that matter - my answer to her was it 'by the grace of God i don't know.  it seems like it wasn't really me.  like i am watching someone else or having an out of body experience'.  I know it's weird but i really don't feel like it was me - that person has done some great things, unbelievable things despite how she raised, what she was told growing up, the mistakes she's made and she's really a good person - but i can't connect that it is me. Then of of course my therapist says i need to become my own cheerleader - she said get a set of pom poms if you have too!!  I know she's right and in quiet moments i have been trying to cheer myself...