...

I met an old friend for dinner the other night who is also friend of Sarah's  - we all used to work together and hang out.  She said Sarah did not mention seeing me and they met a couple of weeks after i ran into Sarah.  I wonder if my friend is protecting me... or if Sarah just didn't really mention it.  I mean we were so close it would be difficult to not talk about each other b/c we were all so intertwined in each others lives - it would be like the elephant in the room.  When i met my friend we got that (Sarah) out of the way early in the evening and i was so glad b/c it was a weight lifted... and then we could move on to other topics  and later I shared a funny story about Sarah and could giggle w/o grief/sadness.  Interesting huh?  I guess to me...  why do i miss someone so much who hurt me? She obviously does not miss me and she certainly is not the person i thought she was or who she thought she was...

Anyway this friend and i have been friends a long time and she asked how i was really doing and i found myself telling her that i know longer feel like i have to be that little abused child that had to fight for everything anymore - not that i don't think about her but i think about how far i have come in my recovery process and wow!  I told her i am so different and told her about the goals i am supposed to be working on and how i am stuck in that process w/o making the first step.  She was so happy for me and i am happy for her.  She also has some issues going one but appears to be handling it all okay since we left our previous place of employment.  We talked about how it seems so long ago even though it hasn't even been a year yet!   What a difference a few months makes!!

Therapy is still the best gift i ever gave myself!

in limbo

Here i am lying in waiting....  I am supposed to be thinking about what i want in 5 years - 10 years!  i can't do it!!!  I don't even know what i will be doing in 5 days! Recovery is funny...  your up one day the next your down - actually is minute by minute:  second by second.  I honestly have never given any thought as to what i want - i have always someone else do it for me...   who am i?  i don't know yet?  will i ever know?  43 years...  you'd think i would know who i am by now...