i'm a workaholic

there it is - i just realized it (maybe i've known this all along).  it's something i must stop.  i've been doing a lot of reading in my recovery process and have been reading this book about approval addiction- it has been very helpful as far as giving me insight into myself:  fear, rejection, wanting to please others.  there are things in my life that i have said, done and reacted to (with  my husband, friends, co workers,etc) that are just silly when i think about it now (but not in that moment) - i am just trying to protect myself - i hate it but apparently it's a result of my childhood. i'm not a terrible person - i just don't want to be hurt and i allow it.   it is written by a woman who is in the ministry and she writing about her discovery that her abuse as a child caused all these unhealthy thoughts, feelings and reactions into her adulthood.  of course she uses God to help her through all this and he speaks to her in a way i wish he'd speak to me.  anyways i was praying yesterday on the way to work as i often to - and as i was at the light i asking God for his help to get me through this day and i said to him - is this all there is and is this what my life is supposed to be?  it was the longest light in the word and it was so silent...  of course i did not hear or see anything but it got me thinking...  there has to be something else and i am missing out on it.  then last night when i was reading this book - at the end of the book there is this section about workaholics and it was describing me.  it described how it happens and yes we have to work but not be taken advantage.  it doesn't mean i need to leave but i think it is test and i need to change.  i see myself slipping back into that old pattern of working all the time.  its easy - i love what i do, i love pleasing people and derive my self esteem from it - its who i am... and i like that feeling but it's wearing me down with all deadlines and seeing everyone else leaving early and what have you. this was going on at my old place and it ended very badly and i developed some very unhealthy relationships as a result of it.  i didn't know but now that i do if i let it continue -it's my fault.   this book says that Satan is trying got get at me again to keep my focus off things that are important:  my marriage, family, friends and God.  so this is my next challenge...

From this point on, I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me. Some should be glad. Others should be scared.

found this quote on twitter today and it is totally cracking me up!  wish i could be this way but i can't - wouldn't it be great if i could?  work is on my nerves right now and especially the boss and if i treated her like she does me i would totally be fired!  but that's why she's the boss - i never want to be like that.  i hope i don't treat my staff like that!  maybe the fact that i worry about it means i make a conscious effort not too.   one of my co workers thru me under the bus in front of the boss and our peers this week and i gave her s--- about it - so i guess i can give it back - yay me!  she later said she was kidding... i think if this was the case she would have immediately said so in front of the group!  i sure got a lot of looks- my facial expression, gasp and retort must have been priceless!   oh well it's just work - we all gotta do it....  it's okay and more importantly i'm okay!