today with sarah

I had to help Sarah at work today and of course the bloodsucker came by a couple of times.  I ignored her most of the time but I did offer to leave the office when I walked in on them if they needed to talk.  It is weird and uncomfortable and God love my husband cause he called Sarah and asked her to be a little more sensitive about her new girlfriend coming in the office while I am in there helping her with her work. And he said that I was more forgiving than he would be.  Of course I know she will tell the bloodsucker and she will know that bothers  me and get a big hear about it. Oh well after tomorrow I'm off work for surgery and that will be a good thing because when I am back at work they won't need me to help Sarah anymore.  I post as soon as I can on how my surgery went and I'm doing!  Until then...

saturday with sarah

Well my friend came over and was honest with me today.  Turns out she and the bloodsucker are a 'couple'.  It had to have been hard for her to tell me - she went into all her feelings that she has had as a teenager, adult and married life.  I had know idea of course I didn't become friends with her till we met in her early 20's.  Wow, she has always been so reserved and never seemed happy until she and her husband adopted their baby.  And I guess I understand now why because she was hiding something or rather trying to push those  feelings away.  Her husband wants her to file for divorce immediately and that's fine with Sarah because she is 'done' anyway and she wants to be with women.  She says things haven't been right for years and he knows about 2 other women early on in their relationship before and after marriage- it was okay with him then but things have changed now because she has left him and the things she has heard about the bloodsucker from me, my husband and other folks who know how she can be.  I admire her honesty - she wanted to tell her parents and me herself.  Her husband is being difficult (understandably b/c his whole world is changing) about the whole thing wanted to spill the beans to us - but he allowed her time to tell us.  It doesn't bother me at all that she is a lesbian - what bothers me is that she has fallen for the bloodsucker.  She wanted me to to okay with it because she and I have been friends for a long time - I told her that I was not going to trash talk her and if she is making her happy then that was all I cared about.  She says that maybe she's a fool - she's keeping her guard up but that she is happy.  We agreed we didn't want this to affect our friendship.  I told her that I didn't feel I could just go get a beer with them just yet but maybe in the future with a big group of people b/c I could never trust this person.  She says she understands that and knows that this may just be a fleeting relationship but she is out now to everyone.  She knows the road ahead is going to be difficult and I am so glad I got her to see a therapist.  Maybe that's my reason for being here on earth - not 'to rescue' as my therapist says but just to give a gentle push in the right direction and just let go.

My husband is still worried and wants me to break this relationship with Sarah - says if I let this bloodsucker back into my life that 'we are done.'  What he doesn't understand is that I need my true friends now even if they are making what we think are bad decisions.  If I let 'her' back into my life - it won't matter about me and Tony b/c I will be done. That's how she works...

the second opinion

The verdict is in - The second opinion does see a medial meniscus tear!  I have day surgery scheduled for next thurs!  Actually I'm doing okay with the news.  I am just glad to know why I am getting worse instead of better!

My friend Sarah went for her 1st counseling session tonight and I am so happy for her - that way she can talk to someone other than the bloodsucker.  In fact interestingly enough she does want to hang out with me on sat - I am suprised it is with me rather than 'her' but I am not going to question it!  Maybe she's had a breakthrough or maybe she just wants to talk with someone other than 'her'.   Please God help be say and do the right things and keep my nose out of business I'm not supposed to be in!

much better now

Boy I was sure down on Monday...  later that evening I discovered my antidepressant that I take in the morning still in the pill box!  Wow, that's what happens when I miss one dose!  I was a mess and thank God I had the day off and was able to spend it with my friend Vickie - she accepts me as I am when I fall apart - she's just there.  We spent the afternoon crying and drinking beer.  We later had a good laugh about me missing my pill  'Oh Lis, no wonder you were such a mess' and I said 'Vic, I'm glad I was with you when it happened it was meant to be'. 

The MRI shows no tear but the doc wants a second opinion.  Of course I got a stern lecture on how I have been getting back in to running and walking too soon - I didn't want to tell him his therapists said I could try but I know I've been pushing myself beyond to get back in the game. He says to stop it all now - I've got to get well.  He keeps saying over and over that even when I get well that running is not going to be a good option for me :(  and I need to consider biking b/c it is does not pound on the knees.  Walking at this point is to hard for this injury :(  So now that plan is if the 2nd opinion is okay I will begin having a series of shots - which lubricate the knee joint - it supposed to hurt worse than a cortisone shot!  But anything is better than surgery at this point!  I am going be be evaluated for a brace thurs - i guess that will slow me down too!  What an interesting adventure this has been.


My husband bought me a new bike yesterday in support of my non running/walking verdict from the doc - it is so pretty.  He is such a sweetie - he has already purchased something for my car to load the bikes on!  I'm ready!  I love the feeling of moving fast when I exercise - I guess that's why I love running so.  So here goes!  Of course when the doc says....

my knee

I have to give in and have an MRI of my knee tomorrow!  I am scared - it is not as good as it should be and I might have a medial meniscus tear...   whatever the hell that is!  I feel like a failure - as if I need anymore proof of this...

therapy day

I couldn't wait to see the therapist today to tell her all the drama that happened in the last 2 weeks.  She said I have taken 2 steps forward and one step back.  But I will get back on track - all the drama has just brought up old feelings of hurt.  She said look at all of us who rallied around the bloodsucker during her recent crisis - she loved the attention and I just fell right into it but calling her.  I was a fool and  she is keeping tabs on me by having Sarah in her web and my therapist I said need to avoid her right now to get back on track.  That'll be hard since we've been friends so long but I cannot rescue her from this toxic person - she has to learn just as I did.  This was just a hiccup in my healing process and I will prevail! 

how far i've come

As I read my posts I realize how far I've come.  But I do feel like it could so easily change.  My husband said today 'when will the drama end' ' please let it end' but I have no control.  This disease does this to you- your up one day and the next your down.  Now I have so many better days but with the drama going on at work with the bloodsucker and trying to get along with my new boss - it has me questioning myself all over again.  The bloodsucker has a hold of my friend Sarah now as I mentioned and I want to save her but I know I cannot for my own sake.  She told me today 'I don't know what went on with the 2 of you and I don't want to know'  that hurt because I told her everything, the lies she told, the drama and the brainwashing that was done - now it's like she has forgotten it - this is my good friend.  It's like the bloodsucker's denial of what she did has brainwashed my friend - like tt never happened.  Please God help Sarah get out of the web.  And please help me remember that I have to stay far away from this person.  I am okay and 'it was not real'.  I know I have been doing good but the past couple of days I feel like I'm slipping a bit.  Therapy is Thursday and I can't wait.

you reap what you sow

The bloodsucker is still having issues.  We all thought the questioning was over but co workers interviewed about her behaviors / harassing at work.  This all stems from the  anonymous letter mentioned in 2 posts ago.  All of us think it it her most recent former friend who has now left the company.  This was also the friend she dropped me for!  I would have never put her through this - she may loose her job over her actions if they are founded. I wouldn't want that for her but I do wish this would teach her a lesson!  My husband is worried she will come back into my life (since I called her and told her I did not do this and i wouldn't through her under the bus) and I can't reassure him enough!  It's over - she can never make up for what she did!  Time will help him realize - and my therapy will keep me away from her and toxicness (is that a word - if not it should be!).

marathon day!

Well today was the day Vickie & I were to walk the marathon!  She did great - got it done in 6:23:37!  Because of my recent knee injury I could only do half of it which consisted of 2 stints: 6m & 7m and I ran to the finish line with her.  It was so fun and I am so proud of her!  I have been icing my knee and elevating it because it is swelling.  I hope I didn't over do it!  This was something that I had talked her into (prior to my injury) and we had trained so hard.  So I just had to try part of it with her.  My physical therapist said I could try some take a rest and get back in as many times as necessary but I think she will be upset with me b/c I might have over done it!  We will see tomorrow when I get out of bed!  Anyway it was a beautiful day for a walk and we are thankful for that! and that we were able to be a part of it! 

God is testing me

God is testing me and I hope I am passing the test. There was something going on at work, an investigation and I was right in the middle of it.  Yes, it has to do with the bloodsucker and her recent former friend.  She no longer works there and  wrote a very nasty letter to our corp hq.  And it definitely was written to take revenge out on the bloodsucker. And she pulled me and some others girls at work in it including my friend Sarah who can handle no more drama!  I even mustered up the courage to call the bloodsucker just to tell her I had nothing to do with this - even thought we are no longer friends.  She said she appreciated the call and said she knew that I wouldn't do that.  My husband could have eaten his gizzard when he heard that I called her but I just needed to do that - don't know if it was for me or her but it helped me.  We all survived the with jobs intact but our rears a little smaller.  Hopefully it will be a lesson for all be careful who you pick as friends cuz you never  know when it will bit you in the a--!  But I know God put the bloodsucker in my life for a reason and he's keeping her there for a reason.  Someday I'll figure it all out.  Please God hold me together! 

train wreck

My friend Sarah who is in the web of the bloodsucker looks so down and depressed...  I only can pray for her.  I went to my nurse practitioner appt today and she said 'don't jeopardize yourself by getting involved' she even suggested that maybe I step back but I told her that this was too close of a friend and I could not just drop her.  She said then I just better be careful because I am still grieving the loss of this person even though she was not the person I thought she was.  I asked her how could I get that through my thick head the feelings I still have for her?  She suggest I write it on my hand where I could see it, so later I did in permanent marker.  Of course it did not stick b/c at work I wash my hands and thousand times so I wrote in regular black ink and it helps.  It not only makes me laugh but reminds me of something very important  'It wasn't real!!'  I was told that the bloodsucker was bad mouthing me in a public area at work.  One of my aides over heard her and told me.   The nurse practitioner suggested that maybe the bloodsucker was doing this to get back at me because 'you're winning' - she did that 'so it would get back to me'.  She thinks that she is also keeping herself in my circle of friends to get at me.  I never thought about it that way.  Obviously she is not any better - and I am not giving her what she wants.  Sarah - can't you see what's going on???

i can't do anything about it

Well it's happening to one of my closest friends - the bloodsucker has gotten her claws in her.  I know there is nothing I can do about it but it is hard to see.  She is so sad and depressed and that is what the bloodsucker feeds on. Soon she will be occupying her every waking moment and drain her.  We got in kind of a tiff about it on girl's nite fri.  Of course we had been drinking and I tried to warn her to protect her when she called the bloodsucker (who was not invited) on the phone - she told me point blank 'it's none of your business'.  That hurt so bad especially when she has seen what this person has done to me and a close friend of hers.  How could one person destroy so many lives?  We made up of course but I have to just listen and keep my nose out of it or she won't confide in me when she really needs me.  I will keep her in my prayers and offer as much support as I can w/o hovering over her.  Please God give me the strength to do what you need me to do.

my gift to myself

Therapy has been the best gift I could ever give myself.  It was so hard to admit that I was in that dark place again.  My session today was interesting...  I told her all about me getting the bloodsucker off my unit and she was proud.  I told her that I don't understand why I still miss her and she said that it is normal to miss someone who made you feel so special and good.  I also asked her if the bloodsucker she knew what she was doing when she picked me to weave into her web.  The therapist says that people like that only think about getting what they need - not that it was necessarily about hurting the other person even thought that is what happens in the end.  They find someone's weakness - and I was ripe for the picking because I was in that dark place.  She said it could have been anyone - and it will be over and over again while she tries to get her needs met.  That made me feel better that she wasn't setting out to intentionally hurt me - it's just that she is sick and not capable of having real interpersonal relationships.  I feel sorry for her that she can't help it.  She did caution me that it was not my job to help her just because I feel sorry for her - and to continue to stay away!  And I will. So thank you God for letting me finally listen to you and realize that I needed help.  You gave courage I didn't know I had.  My mind is so tired tonight and I am going to get some rest now...