it worked

What my therapist said to think of when i see her worked!  It is an image in my head (that's gross to me) that i think of when i see her coming, or i think she's around and i'm able to handle her. Interesting ha??  She tried to talk personal stuff today... wanted to know if i still made coffee in the afternoon like i used to (as if i would start that again!)  and she told me one of her cats died and  told her i was sorry but i didn't feel the need to say anymore.  Yay for me!  Keep it up!  She has no more power over me!

hanging in there

Well I see her on my unit almost everyday and it is getting easier - I guess or maybe I'm fooling myself.  She actually spoke to me about non work related stuff and that made me uncomfortable because I feel like she's trying to act normal but I can't do that.  She's not being inappropriate but I'm sure that if I engage in conversations with her that it would lead to it.  So I try to stay busy...  I called my husband yesterday while she was there so I didn't have to hear her voice on the unit - she was whining to a co worker - I never could stand her whining...  I also saw K yesterday - she was pleasant when we spoke but there is nothing...  and that is fine with me.  Wow how things can change in an instant... OH and my Dad tried to come by and see me while he was in town but as luck would have it I was unavailable - not ready to deal with him yet.  I am still very hurt by him not coming to my my dear mother in laws funeral.   I have therapy today and I'm glad - I need it.  Then later tonight - Date Night!  

feeling good today

The anger has seemed to have subsided...  I usually stay busy when she's around or go to lunch.  I am so tired of working on myself - it is such a full time job!  But I know in the end I will be better for it - I just wish I could take a week off or so!  LOL  I promise I'll get right back to it - ha ha!  I know just keep on keeping on...

a quote for me

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. -Mark Twain

working on anger

Talked with my therapist yesterday and big surprise she told me that the anger I feel is only hurting me.  We talked a lot about the betrayal too involving Sarah and how I am still hurt by this.  I can forgive her but I can never trust her like before..  She said this is understandable - and only in the future - when that relationship with the bloodsucker is over &  if she really tries to re connect with me should I even consider rebuilding a relationship - but she said it still won't be the same.  Until then time is the only answer.  I have had a lot of time and thought I was okay with it  but that was before the bloodsucker was able to come and work on my unit again.  It's like it's all up in my face again. This will get better - if not I am wanting to leave there anyways - just wanting for a door to open.  In the meantime - a lot of folks at work are snooping around asking about how I'm doing about the boss being gone, the bloodsucker coming back, am I leaving - just to be nosy.  I think they have noticed that I am more guarded and not as open as I usually am.   I have been working hard on boundaries with people - part of my homework - it's not easy as I am an open book.  Thank goodness for this blog, therapy, husband and true friends who let me release my inner feelings and don't stab me in the back. 

wanting paybacks

I want her to pay - it is evil and there I have said it.  I hold grudges - I'm sorry and I will try better.  I want her to hurt like she hurt me but more.  Okay now that I have say it i should be the better person and all.  Great news I see my therapist Thursday and I can work it all out.  Until the I will Just stay busy and ignore her...

oh this happened too

Interesting events that also happened yesterday:
*K spoke to me asking me how I was doing about the blood sucker coming back on my unit. 
*The blood sucker's boss texted me to see how I was doing... (she was the one who was gonna call me waaaay in advanced if this was gonna happen - but again the fiasco in Fla....) as LA suggest I am watching my back very closely for sharp objects nearby!!!
*I also spoke to my ex boss's boss today about my situation with the bloodsucker (just a little bit - not the full details) - I had sent him a copy of my email that I had sent to my ex boss about my feelings of having no recourse, etc.  I wanted a paper trail.  He was kinda hostile at first accusing me of being 'hostile'  - so just had him pull up the email and read it to him line by line and explain myself.  He played very dumb - quite well I might add.  He knew about the situation earlier this year - how many accusations of harassment does a dir of operations get in a year really or even in the last 6 months?   I followed our conversation with another email to him - again paper trail - he has not responded to either - he knows what I'm doing... 
* Lots of people came by my office today sniffing around for info re: the ex boss and b/c I was seen talking to her boss - but I just did not share, said I'd rather not discuss that and even played a little dumb myself!  

Is this the boundaries my therapist has told me about? Hope I'm doing it well!!

her swan song

My ex boss had been planning on leaving apparently and her boss gave her a week to reconsider.  She chose to leave yesterday and so she was walked out - protocol.  Here is what I am wondering - did she get at me the one way she knew how and got the blood sucker back on my unit?  Thanks a lot...

wow

My boss was let go today and her reign of terror is over!  It was so short - only about 5 months but it was a long 5 months!  So now maybe I can rest easier knowing she is not trying to get rid of me - so glad I told her what I thought of her before hand. Wow - good things can come to those who wait - it just takes so long!  I can even accept the bloodsucker as long as the boss is gone!  But I will - I repeat:  I will speak up if the bloodsucker does anything inappropriate!!  And remember i sent the copy of my email of my fears to my boss's boss yesterday - so there is a record of my fears!  She did try to speak to me today but I was just too busy!! This will get easier!!

more drama

Well guess who gets to come back to my unit to work?    ...the blood sucker.  I knew something was up today- K looked at me and waved & spoke to me 2 times today and the bloodsucker was super friendly today - they both work in the same dept by the way. My boss called me in the office to see how I felt about her returning- then I knew everyone was being so friendly b/c the were looking out for their friend the bloodsucker.  I told her that I had no recourse b/c I decided not to file harassment charges against her - my decision - poor one but it was mine.  So I felt legally there was no way to ban her from the unit - I have no ally since her boss and I are no longer friends.  I felt I had to give her a chance - maybe she has changed and will be different.  I can't hardly believe it and I am just to tired right now to talk about it but I know I need to.  I know she has been asking for a while but her boss told me that she just kept telling her it wasn't a good idea right now. Her boss said she would put it off as long as she could but would let me know waaaay in advance of when she could no longer put it off.  But since she was involved in the fiasco in Florida - we are no longer friends and I got no call.  Instead she went to my boss - which yes is protocol but since everyone in that clique is angry with me now I am no longer privy to the information ahead of time like I used to be.  Sucks huh?  I am sure this is a way to get at me but I am just going to go on acting like it doesn't bother me.  Gotta get new friends...   and watch my back...

boundaries... just can't seem to get it

Boy I can sure pick em can't I?  My therapist says I have some interesting 'characters' in my life.  And that I have got to continue to work on boundaries with people I meet.  She says that for some reason I did not develop this skill as a child b/c of the abuse I experienced as a child.  I asked her if there was something I could read to help me b/c i just don't seem to get it.  I like people who are kind to me but apparently not everyone is on the up and up. And if I have decided that someone is my friend I am loyal to them regardless of whether or not they are good for me, hurting me, or sometimes I have just had enough.  But of course I always feel to blame b/c of the end of the 'friendship' whether it was my fault or not.    She said there is no book and that  I have to develop it on my own and listen to that little voice... But  I just seem to have this sign on my forehead that says 'take advantage of me - use  me - abuse me & throw me away when you done with me'!  I gotta get some new friends...