so... do you like your job?

This was what my psych nurse practitioner asked me the other day when i went for a follow up appt and was having a horrible day.  And i said you know what i don't think it even matters if i like my job or not - it was just an escape from a bad situation. Now i don't mean that i don't like taking care of the people - that is my love and passion...  what i mean is the new environment, people and situations.  It's not that i'm insecure or anything now - i am confident that i know what i'm doing.  I'm not depressed or anxious right now - really! Recovery as i read the other day is forward, neutral and reverse..  i go thru stages all of these sometimes through out they day!  Right now at this moment i am forward - the day of the 'question' i was in reverse and last monday when i saw my therapist i was neutral.  It's okay though.  I am in a better place mentally now - i'm still healing and that's all that matters.  And i have discovered over the last couple of weeks that my boss is treating me like she does everyone else - she's just not the warm fuzzy kinda person.  I have even told her that i need to hear from her once in a while that i am doing a good job (thinking that would help her - ha!) - but she's just not having any of it.  She can't do it.  It's not me like i said - she's treating everyone that way and i can handle it better now knowing that her attitude is not just especially for me.  It's kinda funny who she's pick to pick on - it's so obvious - i honestly think she can't help it.  I'm sure she must be a nice person to somebody out there - maybe her family - but i've just come to the realization i don't care anymore if she likes me.  That's a lot for me because i want people to like me - a lot!   But no - i am there to take care of the folks - do my job and leave the rest behind.  Much better than where i was a year ago.  So see...  it doesn't really matter if i like my job or not - i am content in my life, i'm still learning about myself, God is still testing me and with his help i am getting better! 

Other news.... my dad never got the email where i confronted him - so here i thought all this time this my confrontation had given me the answer that he didn't have anything to say about it.  But no he never got it ( something about his computer being down, really?) so i re-sent it... and he told me he was sorry for causing me pain (which was all i wanted)  but it still came with the same excuses i begged him not to give me.  He just does get - can't get it - or won't get it.  He's asked to to contact him but i don't want to right now and my therapist says i don't have to.  So that's over again - much less climatic this time...

home again

Just got back from a vacation in old san juan!  I was able to enjoy this vacation to puerto rico much better than last year because i am so much healthier this year! Its amazing how much junk in your head can ruin everything in your life.  But i am soo much better.  Not broken anymore...  my therapist relates my recovery to a dumped out apple cart and that i am picking up the pieces of my life that i want and throwing out the things i don't. I have never done this before and it feels weird but good at the same time.  Like i said it's a new me and i don't recognize myself anymore but i am liking me for the first time!  All is well..  life is good...