end of the year

Today was a pretty good day - no drama or remorse. Tomorrow ought to be different because I will be reminded of a death in the family - I hope I hold it together enough to get through the day! They say what you do the first day of the year is what you do the rest of the year - so maybe I will have a year of facing my fears!

waiting

I am right now waiting for the phone to ring to clear up some craziness I started yesterday - the more I wait the more anxious I get. The phone just rang and I feel so much better talking to my friend and I think I got it cleared up! Ahhhhhhh! It helps to reach out! Now I am going to go take care of a sick friend and that will help me to to reach out to someone else. I am much calmer at this moment...

today...

Well today is ending on a good note... I had a good day and good evening. I did not take my Xanax at all today because of what my dr said yesterday and I did okay I think. There was only a little drama that I caused at work with a friend (which was weird) but hopefully I can get that resolved and explain myself - I seem to need to do that more and more lately because I'm doing things that don't seem like me and all that explaining is exhausting! I had 2 dear friends visit yesterday and 2 more today and that was helpful. They all say 'why don't you call me?' but don't they know how hard it is to do that? It is much easier for me to call them when they need me than the other way around - I even told one today ' you know the phone works both ways' and I was proud of me for saying that. I even told another "why don't you call me and then I'll know if you really want to hang out with me' - kinda pitiful but made my point I thought.

right now

Well my morning has been a rush of emotions up & down! I woke up feeling great and the first negative thing I hear has affected me already and set the tone for my day. I tried to change my thought process and focus on something positive and fun... guess what? that failed too because I heard negativity again. I just can't win. This is how depression and anxiety works - and I am so good at it. I have had years of experience! I am proud of myself though I did not take my Xanax this morning and I won't until I really need it today. My doctor told me yesterday not to use it so much - I have only been on it a week and he's already telling me this?!?! I know the dangers but only a week? Come on a person can't be fixed in a week especially if this is a lifetime experience!

here goes!

Well I've never done this before but I thought it might be very therapeutic. I'm losing my mind again - yes, I say again because this has happened so many times in my life and I am sick of it! I'm trying to get some help but it is a slow, draining process - but I will keep on because I want to get better! So this is a start... I don't care if any one reads it but if they do and it helps them - great! If they read it and think it's stupid - well I say no one can think worse about me than I do!