i've packed

Well, I've packed my office up - don't know where I'm going or when I'm leaving but I'm ready for anything at a moments notice.  Today I put 5 bags of text books, personal items, etc in the trunk of my car.  It makes me feel better just to be ready.  I cannot stand it in that toxic place anymore. My unit manager put in her notice Monday and I just can't get past it.  It's just like last year - this was how it all began - one loss after another and then I just broke down.  I am not gonna let it happen again!  Tony's okay with it as long as I'm looking forward.  I've got my resume in several places but no scheduled interviews yet.  We will see. Thank God I have therapy tomorrow afternoon.

sunny day

Spent yesterday with one of my best friends just lounging in her pool having girl talk and working on our tan for florida - she's getting married in 3 weeks!  It was nice and she's noticed how good I feel -  I feel so different and at peace it amazing.  But I needed to get out of the house for awhile.  My husband was on edge, working on a car that just keeps breaking down and his father stayed over as he has been doing like every other week because he's lonely.  They have never been close. His dad is a sober alcoholic so you know what all comes with that.   And since his mom died he is forced into being close to his dad and it just brings up old junk - I can understand that!  So I thought it was best that I get out for awhile - because we were snippy with each other and I didn't want to say anything we'd regret. His best friend is out of town but I think he just needed to be by himself for awhile. So after an afternoon break - he had calmed down and we went out for awhile.  I wish I could do more to help him but all I can do is be there and listen - and sometimes just get out of his way!  LOL

work sucks

What I really mean is the mood of the building - not particularly me.  I am okay... I feel so much at peace right know and others have noticed too.  What will be will be.  I will do my half days and get done what I can and get out of there with no drama and trauma.  My good friend Amy who has held my unit together while I was on leave is now on leave herself- for mental - she needs it so bad.  And my unit manager who I love so much is also quitting next month - she is the best thing that ever happened to me on my unit!  She helped me together at work during my breakdowns until I had to take my leave for my knee!  This place is breaking everyone's spirits!  But it won't break me and I know that now and I am so proud of myself.  Boy I've come along way and I am so proud of myself!

my birthday

Today I am celebrating my 42nd birthday!  With effort I put an exclamation point.  I share my birthday with a beautiful lady - my mother in law who would have been 78 this year.  As you may recall she's passed away  about 7 mos ago right in the middle of my first break down.  Our birthday this year just doesn't hold the excitement it used too.  I used to always celebrate my birthday as a month rather than the just the day and she shared the same excitement.  We rejoiced in sharing that same birthday since she adopted me into her family when Tony and I were just dating 21 years ago!  He used to make us a cheesecake to celebrate - with cherries on top and we laugh and say if we ever got married there would be no way he could ever forget our birthdays!  We used to go out to lunch for our birthdays together and when the waiter asked if we wanted to share our free dessert we just look at each other and laughed and in unison said 'NO".  Then at the end we would exchange the checks and pay for each others lunch.  We always had so much fun together.  She is really on my mind today for obvious reasons and last night we went to a special mass for her with some of the family - it was nice.  My hope is that next year that I can celebrate for the both of us without feeling so sad.  I know you just gotta get past all the 'firsts' first.  So Happy Birthday to us!  I love you Mammaw!  And miss you too!

i made it!

I did it, I made it thru my first day.  I was so anxious and nervous but as my counselor said - you made it!  I can see why i am only half days because my legs are tired.  Sarah actually came to my unit to see me and I was glad  and we had a nice short visit.  And yes I saw you know who, the bloodsucker, and it was fine - she was with one other person and it was easy, very brief chit chat from a distance and I made it!  Gotta go to bed now and rest those knees!

today's the day

I've already had a good cry this morning during my prayers.  I'm okay now.  I go in at noon and I as resting my legs in preparation for today. Thoughts for today:   I CANNOT GET IT ALL DONE TODAY,  PRIORITIZE,  ONE DAY AT A TIME, LET GO & LET GOD, GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE  and finally:  WORK DOES NOT HAVE TO BE MY LIFE ANY MORE. 

back to work!

Well I actually have be released to go back tomorrow for half days!  I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I must remember that I can't get it done all in one day!  My boss was actually very welcoming to me - I know - watch my back.  But I am glad and I have see my counselor tomorrow after work - great timing huh? 

a nice getaway

Nothing new to report just feeling really good and recharged from a nice weekend away on the Delta Queen - it's docked in Chattanooga and we really enjoy it.  Tony and I got away to celebrate our 17th anniversary this weekend and it was so nice.  I really needed that.  I do have a busy week planned (lots of appts and errands) as next week I am supposed to begin half days at work - unless my knees act up again! 

still off

Thank God he has a plan because I simply did not know what to do...  I prayed that that he would show me what to do.  I went to my physical therapy today and guess what - I have one more visit and the therapist was not ready to release me.  I go back on the 16th and then she will she how I'm doing.  If she thinks I'm doing okay she will talk to the Dr about half days the following week.  Decision made - w/o me having to do anything - all that worry for nothing.  I am so glad God is in control because I could not decide whether or not to go back.  I do feel sore from the different exercises that we did today so I know that I'm not ready.  I am at peace with the decision...

anxious again

My mind is wandering a bit like a broken record again since the nurse practitioner has decreased my klonopin so I am going back to my original dose.  She said I could if I needed to - she just wanted me to try.  I haven't be able to go to sleep like was before and I am worrying/ruminating more than I was throughout the day.  But I also have reasons:   my knees, physical therapy ending and when to go back to work.  And the environment right now there from my co workers is bad.  It is going to be hard enough physically to go back and I want to be sure I am ready mentally as well. I will keep praying to let go and let God - because he is in charge as usual.  Let go Lisa...  let go...

the verdict on the other knee

The good news is that other knee just seems to be having some inflammation / arthritis. X- rays show that the knee looks better than the surgical knee!  Nothing seems to warrant another MRI - no suspected tear in cartilage - yay!  Had another cortisone shot - helping already today!  Crutches not needed past 24 hours. 

Bad news:  doc has ordered a round of therapy for the other knee but my ins co will not allow anymore visits after my 20th visit on monday!  He will not release me yet and I see him on july 2nd.  He did say if I was feeling better he would release me sooner but not yet.  I have a big decision to make after monday.  Hopefully I will feel better enough to go back - you know before the snap I was ready.  It scares me to think I have to make this decision on my own but my PT says I know what to do as far as exercising that knee.  And my sis in law is a PT in my hometown and she will email me some new stuff to work on and suggests going to drugstore for some knee supports for when I go back.  It's gonna be okay!

Thank goodness I see my therapist (mental) today to talk - it will help to work it out.  My friends on girls nite say stay off as long as I can but I can't in my heart if I do start feeling better - I don't want to 'milk it' as they say. Cuz something could happen again and I won't have any sick time left - even though I have a lot of vacation left.  My boss told me yesterday that I was truly missed, but also asked if this was gonna be a chronic condition - that made me nervous.  Anyway she did also say that if something were to happen at work - it would be a workmen's comp issue and then I would have to be off again so that wouldn't be good.  So that's what's on my mind today.  Along with resting, tresting and resting!  One of my friends she would pray for the 'rest monsters to stay away' - isn't that cute. 

BTW: my 17th anniversary is today - wow! We're going to dinner tonight and getting away to celebrate next weekend!

my 100th post

Like we knew this wouldn't happen?  While I was out today something snapped in my 'good knee'!  I can walk on it but not without pain.  I called my ortho's nurse and since I am going tomorrow anyway for check up on my other knee...  I am to be back on the crutches, propping, resting, icing. I also called my PT so she would know.  Wow what a turn of events - I guess it's just tired.  I called work also to let them know what happened and that when I did come back on thurs that I would not be back 100%.  I cried when I talked to the human resource girl and said I hope they don't fire me.  She said, 'Lisa even if they wanted to they couldn't'.  I don't know whether to be comforted or suspicious  - no I know better - they have to save me a position. I'm sure it will all be okay.  My sis in law who is a PT in my home town said this weekend that I was going to need therapy on the other knee for awhile - boy she was right!  She said at this time that I would not need surgery - I hope she's still right! 

last days

Today and tomorrow are my last days on fmla.  I meet with my nurse practitioner this morning for med check.  I'm feeling good and hope it continues even when I am back at work.  I feel such peace since I have been forgiving myself - I pray for it everyday.  It's really helping me but I know that it will not be easy when I get back to the daily grind a work - I may fall back into old habits.  I ordered a medal the other day from the catholic online store - my friend Vic and I were discussing when other not the was a saint for mental health...  we  sure enough the were several!  I ended up choosing St Dymphna - the patron saint of mental illness and she also is for many other causes and for mental health professionals.  It seemed to be the one for me - and I  have been wearing her everyday.  I hope that it can serve as a reminder to me - I need all the help I can get.  I am looking forward to going back and I also think that is a good sign.  Luckily I will see my therapist the eve after my first day back - I'm sure I will need a refresher =) can't wait!  Therapy and forgiveness are the best gifts I have ever given myself.