feeling good

I am surprised at how good i feel everyday- the peace and contentment.  Even though the jobs not perfect (what one would be?)  i am doing what my therapist and consultant have advised me to do and just stay around those who give me those positive vibes and feedback.  I generally steer clear of the boss and have given up hope of warm fuzzies with her.  And since doing so it's very freeing..  not to say i don't have to remind myself once in a while but over all it has helped.  Talked to a old co worker on FB today and she asked how the new job was going and i said - good but i feel like i could wake up at any moment feeling like i never left that toxic place - what a night mare that would be!!  I wonder when it will feel real?  I have not committed my whole life to this job and that's a good thing for me mentally but guess that's why it doesn't feel real that i left. I have less than a month to go for my 6 month trial of this job - wonder if i'll stay...  i know i need a job but it is comforting to know that i can leave if it doesn't work out.  It's up to me and i just haven't decided yet...  

the black swan

Went to the cheap movie theater to see the black swan.  Oh my God what a movie!  I was on the edge of my seat the whole entire time.  It was so disturbing and right now all i can think of was my decent into madness over a year ago and am so grateful that it i did not get that way.  It's hard work being healthy but my God it must be worse not getting the help i have.  My therapist is always telling me she doesn't worry about the people who are in therapy - it's the folks that aren't that she's worried about.   I know it was just a movie but honestly it has made me appreciate my life and my mental health in a whole new way. 

still having issues with the boss

I had therapy this week and talked the whole time about the boss - and she just is unable to give me what i need.  She is just not that kinda of boss.  My therapist and i agreed that i would just try it for six months and move on if i want.  She is not, as i have said before, a warm fuzzy person but sometimes she can be downright rude.  But i has seen that it is not with just me, so i have to just learn to accept it or move on.  My therapist said i need to get my warm fuzzies elsewhere with other co workers who can give it.  And i have been trying a little bit and that's going okay.  I even shared with my consultant the difference i see in my boss at time of hire and now and she said she would pass this along anonymously to the higher ups - it may backfire on me but i had to say something.  This company is supposed to be different!!!  Oh well i just had to get outta where i was. I am supposed to focus on the residents, the praise i get from their family and warm fuzzies from my co workers.  Go to work and do the best i can and if it is not good enough then this was not the place for me.  But i hope it is because i do like it... So there it is that's what i am where i am at today...