ignoring me...

Well K is ignoring me and that's fine that is better than the alternative.  I finally saw her today twice.  So sad how quickly a friendship can end - but maybe it wasn't as much as a friendship as I thought it was!

drama, drama, drama

Well I went down for a wedding - even brought items for the wedding is clothes, flowers, table, etc.  But got accused of coming down for a vacation rather than the wedding since we didn't spend every waking moment with them the first day.  So a fight broke out  the first day with a sober group - me and LA and a not sober group K and her clan and it was not pretty.  Her fiance even got in my face yelling obscenities and I was really scared.  So we got the heck out of there and just enjoyed the rest of our vacation since we had so much time on our hands d.t not helping with a wedding.  My friend LA and i just cried - we just have no idea what we have done wrong.  They did not communicate with us for 2 days where they were staying or what the plan was and we just decided that first day to do our own thing because we got in late the night before d/t stopping by to see my brother and my niece.  What a nice visit and I was able to pass down a family heirloom to my niece and I think she was so proud!  Anyways I have not heard from her since - well except yesterday in response to something I posted on face book - she thought i was airing dirty laundry.  i just posted something to 'you know who you are'  - i didn't' tell anything i just said that i wasn't perfect and neither was she and if she can't accept me then i guess we are over, that i still loved her, am happy for her and wish her the best.  She said I should have called or texted this - i said that i don't mind airing 'dirty laundry and people who know  me know that i am messed up and just say pretty much anything.  I am so sick of people telling me what i should and shouldn't do, speak, think or feel.  What made her think that I could even count on her to answer the phone or message after not communicating with us in florida and considering how ugly it ended?.

headed for the beach

Today I am headed to Florida for K's wedding on the beach - I've been packed for several days!  It's kinda a girls trip - my friend LA is going with me - and we are taking my new honda fit I just got on monday!  Ought to be fun - talk later when I get back!

i am such a big girl

Stood up to my boss the other day when she hammered me for 25 minutes about my commitment to the facility etc.  Too many details to go into but bottom line I told her what I thought in a professional manner.  She's fishing b/c i have left early a couple of day (for interviews)  and says she doesn't want me to leave and I countered 'Aren't you really saying that you want me to stick around b/c state will be in soon and everyone else has left and I'm the only one who knows what their doing?'.  It was a great come to Jesus talk and I know she's scared - this is a great playing position to be in! 

well at least that's outta the way...

Yesterday we had an all day bachlelorette party:  salon, lunch and then pool party for my friend who is getting married in Florida.  And at the pool party was the 'the couple' Sarah and the...  well I can't hardly say it you know my former friend...   the 'blood sucker'.  I guess my heart has softened b/c it's hard for me to imagine that Sarah would be with someone like her so it's hard to call her that when talking about them together.  We did speak and she's calmed down and was not trying so hard to be the life of the party.  I remember she was like that before in her previous relationship - she was calm and secure. Then when they broke up she was just so heartbroken and just went wild - but she also needed her adderall (she had quit taken it).  I felt like Sarah & everyone else's eyes were on me to see how I would react.   But the first hello came quickly and it was over and I just stayed busy visiting with everyone else.  We spoke again throughout the night - uncomfortable but okay.  I was mentally exhausted thought from just the whole day and seeing them cuddle etc, and having to put on a good face.  But I know they really care about each other - I saw they way they looked in each others eyes. So I'm happy they are happy but I just don't care to spend that much time with them. It has nothing to do with them being women and everything to do with thy type of person Sarah has chosen.  But my friends say there is someone for everyone and maybe Sarah has changed her.  And for that I'm glad but doesn't mean I want to be exposed to that constantly b/c there will always be a sting for me that I think will never go away.  Thank God there was a lot of people to talk to to keep me busy.  I did email Sarah today and told her it was great to see her and I was glad she was happy - then added that I was happy for them both.  Sarah wrote back that she was really happy and appreciated me saying that.  So I felt like the bigger person - don't care if they noticed or not.  My friends rallied around me that night and told me how proud they were of me and that I kept my cool all night and look how far I've come.  I will keep praying for Sarah - her divorce is final Tuesday - and let go and let God.

the blame game

My boss is now blaming us 'the clique' for Amy leaving - boy she's good.  Saying: she said she said stuff and she not having it anymore.  What she doesn't understand is that Amy is broken as well and just couldn't do it anymore.  The boss kept looking at me and Sarah in the dept mgrs meeting as if we were to blame.  Not the first time we have an a-- chewing - it last for almost 25 mins.  But this time it didn't bother me I felt sorry for her b/c she feels she has to have this lecture with us.  She told us that if we were not going to work with her then maybe this wasn't the place for us - heard that one so many times.   

one by one

Just as my boss said she would do so just a few short months ago - she's getting rid of us one by one.  My good  friend Amy who has been on leave for mental and who did my job while I was on leave has quit effective immediately.  She can no longer handle that toxic place and she has worked there longer than I have - since she was in high school and moved her way up in rank.  You could ask for a better employee or team player.  But she was part of the 'clique' that we are all supposedly in according to my boss.  And if things didn't go her way she wasn't 'having it'.  It was so sad to see her walk out of there - the boss watches you of course as you clean out your office and then walks to your car.  So sad - but it won't be when I leave because I will be rejoicing in my heart!  Of course I will not be negative or say anything wrong because you never know who will be your boss again someday! 

still doing okay

Work is work and I continue to plan my exit and getting things caught up and planned ahead for the next person.  However I do not have another job - yet - but it helps to be moving forward.  I got a call today about a part time job today and playing phone tag but that's okay.  One of our docs who is the medical director at our facility said to me she was sorry that my unit manager was leaving and was I okay?  I told her I was fine and inadvertently told her that I was 'done'.  She did not act the least bit surprised and told me when I was ready to give her a call - she makes rounds in other facilities.  I made her promise not to tell that I was 'looking' and she said she wouldn't - don't know if I can get fired or not for looking but my boss would find some way to get rid of me.  Anyways I told the doc that I was working on a few things but certainly would if those did not pan out.  It's still scary to think of leaving but I'm gonna be okay.  I have to be.  I can do this.  Change won't kill me! 

i am not going crazy again!

I was so worked up these past couple of days I was afraid I was headed down that same spiral again that is so familiar to me.  But thank God for therapy!  My therapist said "You're not going crazy. You are just grieving a place that you are leaving and you going to be okay".  When I look back over that last few days since I have been back at work - I am sad - and I know I've done the anger thing this week for sure! Now I just feel at peace with myself for making the decision to leave.  Of course I am sad about leaving my residents and the unit cats! But they will be okay and I have to go.  She says that I am moving forward and something will come along.  It may take awhile but in my mind I have left and am not as emotionally vested as I used to be.  Didn't think it would turn out this way but I'm okay with it.  And I'm going to be okay!