i'm free

I have had two glorious days without worrying if the blood sucker was going to be on my unit!  I am at ease and can be focused now since I don't have to deal with her.  She has been taken off for 3 months and then the situation will be re evaluated.  Maybe by then I will be even stronger and won't care - or maybe by then she will have new conquest or 2 or 3 and won't need to try to make amends with me.  I must be the first person in the world who 'hates' her - as she puts it - sorry about your luck but I am no longer in your web!  It's amazing the fear and drama she creates and it is a breath of fresh air not having to work in that environment!  Thank You God for giving me the for carrying out what you see fit! 

an interesting turn of events...

Friday I talked with the bloodsucker's boss just as a reminder that I do not want her to see any patients on my unit anymore unless an extreme emergency.  I have spoken to her 2 other times re: this mostly due to her approach is not good for my patients.  Her boss has been very workable but one of the other therapist is in the hospital and she has had no choice the last couple of days.  I told her I understood but please remember if there was anything she could do differently in the future I would appreciate it.  She was kind, listened and voiced understanding of my concerns about her approach with the  patients but now it was getting personal with her bothering me (like on tuesday - again).  I thought all was fine - then I hear from a co worker in that dept who is kinda like 2nd in command that  if I complained about the bloodsucker one more time that there would be no choice and they would have to fire her for harassment!  Oh my God - as angry as I am with her I don't want her fired - I just want her to leave me alone!  No telling what she would do to me then.  The bloodsucker found out from the regional manager and told her that this was bull---- i know this because she immediately went to one of my good friends (with whom she is trying to weave into her web now) and told her - she just can't stay out of my life. Of course my friend called me with concern that the situation maybe getting blown out of proportion.  I appreciated the call but is was not sure if it was out of concern for me or the bloodsucker or for me b/c she is really beginning to get in the web...    To make a long story short I ended up calling the regional manager who is an acquaintance of mine and a very good friend of the bloodsucker. I just didn't want things to get blown out of proportion.  I explained what has been going on w/o getting to personal and she said I did have a case against her since I have specifically told her to leave me alone. She asked what I wanted to do and that she could start a formal process.  She also offered to move her to a different facility.  I just told her that as her boss and friend please make her to the right thing and leave me alone.  The bloodsucker lied to her that she had not bothered me this week - can you believe it?!  I told her that she has known me a lot of years and I know the bloodsucker was a very good friend of hers- but I would not lie about this.  She apologized for it all and said 'lisa, I know that she hurt you' and 'you don't have to go into the details' and 'you don't have to work in that kind of environment' - she was so kind and professional at the same time.  It ended nicely and she told me she would talk to the bloodsucker and her direct boss about this situation.  She told me that if it happened again that she wanted me to call her directly and she would have her moved to a different facility. God please give me strength for tomorrow.  I hope this was the wake up call she needs because obviously she wouldn't listen to me!  Therapy and visit with nurse practitioner this week - I need it!

tired tonight

Last night was girls night and the 'bloodsuckers' former conquest came and I was glad.  We have  been talking, comparing stories, lies that we have heard and  it has been an interesting experience.  We were both hurt by her and it is good to talk.  I told her I didn't want to trash talk and wanted the best for our former 'friend' and she agreed.  I said if she could change for you and you become friends again I would support her - she said 'not gonna happen'.  She even called her to quit bothering me and apologizing over and over again - because I don't need it!  You find friends in the most interesting places sometimes.  She has been very supportive to me and I hope that I can do the same if she needs because either one of use could have a week moment!  She suggested I keep my crutch close by and hit her with it if needed.  My knee is doing better by the way - i still cannot run yet adn i just can't walk very far.  But the therapist says that I could be back to running in weeks - as apposed to months!  I miss it so much - of course I do other exercise but there is just something about running I feel so free!  Oh well gotta get some sleep now - that's all on my mind right now!

testing me

I know God is testing me and he won't give me anymore than I can handle but some days I sure wonder...  the bloodsucker is still trying.  Though I have asked her to leave me alone - she just had to speak to me today for just a minute.  She told me she missed me, acknowledged that she hurt me and apologized as she has done so many times before - those are just empty words to me because she has not changed. She made me cry - which I hated - because she seems sincere but I know it is still a game.  It would take her so long to make up for the damage she has done and she honestly can't do it.  All she cares about is her and she's upset that someone 'hates' her (her words not mine).  I told her that our friendship was not real, that she did hurt me deeply and I could never trust her again.  She tried to make me feel guilty by telling me she was considering another job so I wouldn't have to worry about seeing someone I 'hate' any more.  What does she want - me to ask her to stay? Not gonna happen.  I had no response and later said this is not healthy for me to talk to you - then I left.  Yay for me! It was hard - because I did care about her very much.  I do not let people in very easily and I warned her before we became 'friends' that if she ever hurt me or violated my trust - it would be over.  But she was not the person she pretended to be and did exactly that.  She is one of the reasons why I say the Serenity Prayer everyday!  I cannot change her - I can only change my reaction to her...  I am getting stronger - I can feel it!

very interesting

I forgot to mention the 'bloodsucker's' latest conquest has quit her again and came by my office Friday.  She shut my door to talk about her!  We had the most interesting chat and compared notes on different things that were said to the both of us - the games that were played on us.  It was a very interesting chat and I hope it helps her stay away from the 'bloodsucker' but I told her if she could not I would not judge her because I too was once stuck in the web and it is difficult to get away. 

This weekend I had the opportunity to have some girl time yesterday with some good friends and it was nice.  One of them made the comment she didn't think I would go.  A few months ago I probably would have backed out - isolating myself at home like I do when I am in one of these funks.  But I didn't and really enjoyed myself.  Later in the evening my husband and I met a couple we hang out with and had dinner.  Vic made me cry when she was trying to tell me to forget the past and just focus on today and the future. She tried to make me feel human and tell me how she's even made mistakes in the past and that it is truly the past.  I know she's right but the stubborn guilt's just won't go away. As much as I'd like to think I have - I have not let go of the past yet.  Therapy is helping but it won't change me overnight and I know that.  I even today asked God over and over again to take away my most recent pain - make me stop thinking about the 'bloodsucker'.  I had a good cry while working out and it help!  I hope it last all week because I see her everyday at work. 

fear

I am going to try to walk today with no crutches!  I am afraid but I do have motion in that knee and need to use it! The physical therapist said I'll know when I feel ready - I think the cortisone shot has given me the confidence I need - so here goes!  The only thing I wish is that the 'bloodsucker' would stay away... this set back has offered her plenty of opportunities to talk to me and I am ready for it to stop - so maybe w/o the crutches gone - she will forget and she won't ask me how I am. Like she really cares - all she wants to do is talk about herself because the world revolves around her.  I have been doing good walking away.  What's happening is there usually there is always someone else with me when she tries to talk - sneaky but I know what she's doing.  This is how she's trying to get to me since I have asked her not to talk to me unless it is related to work or one of my residents.  God please continue to give me the strength to avoid her - I don't need or want this crazy person in my life.  I know you won't give me anymore than I can handle.

graduated

I have graduated from 2 crutches to 1.  I do have good range of motion in my right knee but I am just afraid to use it!  I have to get past the fear.  The physical therapist told me today that I need to work on my confidence.  Sounds a lot like what my mental health therapist is saying.  What is my body trying to tell me?  Do I have to fall completely apart before I listen?

she's back

She (the bloodsucker) came by today to work on a patient of mine under the guise that is was so important - the usual treating therapist missed her and had already gone home.  I did my best to stay busy and away from her.  She did ask me about my knee and I said I was fine.  She kept hanging around my unit fooling around with the other patients.  I called my husband  - still trying to stay busy - like the therapist said to do.  We got disconnected and thank God he called me back because she was just leaving and I was afraid she wanted to talk.  Maybe I was wrong but my therapist says I need to go with my gut feelings.  It still would be so easy to fall for it all again - she's so cunning and funny and would make me feel special until she was ready to throw me away again!  Not gonna happen to me again!

still here hobbling

I am still on crutches - I can bear much more weight now but not completely all the way yet.  I am still worried about my exercise (when/if i can run again and walk).  It is abundantly clear that I won't be doing the april 11th marathon I had planned to walk with my friend vickie - she's is gonna kill me. No not really but she will be disappointed because we were gonna do it together - that was the whole point.  I guess I have been over training a bit but when your mind is like mine you have to stay busy or you thoughts go to a bad place.  My husband even has noticed this he said last night that I just have been doing too much and this is my body's way of telling me to slow down.  How many signs do I need?  I guess I have to hurt myself in as many ways as possible to get the picture.  But it seems only temporary... and then I will start the whole process all over again.  I'm so afraid of gaining weight back that I have fought so hard to lose.  I know there are other ways to exercise - but this is what is in my mind right know and it's scares me. In other news...   I saw the 'bloodsucker' today and she of course asked about my crutches and that exchange was brief and non threatening.  My therapist appt was yesterday and she feels like I'm doing good but not ready to talk  to the 'bloodsucker' w/o feeling yet. She said soon I will be able to and I am so ready - but right know it still hurst to see her and she knows my weaknesses. My therapist  told  me (as she has before) the 'bloodsucker'  is someone like my mother who I thought I could be friend with and we see how well that turned out...

worried

I had a 7k race saturday and something snapped in my right knee in the last mile and I had to stop and sit on the side of the road. Help came quickly but I felt like such a failure.   My running times have been so fast and I thought I would do really well in this race. But the pain kept my mind off of it for a while.  I went to an ortho urgent care and apparently it is just a bad attack of arthritis (I didn't know I had arthritis!).  I had x rays and physical therapy that day, take home exercises and pain meds.  I have no swelling so this means I haven't torn anything.  The reason I am worried is because I don't know how long I won't be able to run and I don't think my mental state would be able to cope with that.  I did work out my upper body today and did sit ups - but i was unable to box b/c I still cannot bear a lot of weight on the knee.  I am using crutches for now and go back on wednesday for more therapy and to see the ortho dr again.  I go to my therapist tomorrow and I am looking foward to that as always.  I hope I am doing well.  I will have to tell her about my fears of not being able to run and I have a marathon in april that I have been training for (walking).  It's all up in the air right now - that's why I am worried.   Going to bed now and hopefully sleep will take my mind of it. 

good friends

Last night was a bit of a roller coaster...  I met my friend Pam and we had a great visit!  We used an interesting technique to catch up on our lives - we covered topics from A-Z and it was fun.  Occasionally we would remember something and have to go back to an already covered letter!  We found ourselves going back and forth all night.  We (or was it me, or was it her - no I think it was we)  specifically avoided the letter T which has a specific person that we could have talked about (not Tony - we covered him in H for husbands!) but she said  'save it for the professional'!  This is the second or third time she has eluded to this.   I don't know if she will ever want to hear that story - I wouldn't mind telling her but maybe it's TMI.  For now I will think that she just loves me for who I am and does need to hear my mistakes - she knows the important part - that this bloodsucker took advantage of me in low times.  Anyways we had a wonderful evening I was so tired I had my self talked out of exercising but you know me I couldn't so I did go ahead and work out.  When I got back upstairs Tony said my friend Leigh Ann had called and for me to call her back.  She went to a divorce atty today and got goods news and was supposed to call me about it  - but instead she told me she got suspended at work!  She was upset as would be normal for anyone!  So me and our network of friends we on the phone for quite awhile networking and trying to figure out what is going on but we were so tired we had to suspend (funny I used that word) our efforts after a nights rest.  I'm sure there will be more to come today ...

spring is here!

What a great weekend it was - I know spring is coming!  I feel so good it is kinda scary - I really kinda feel like my old self again.  I didn't think I could find myself again - or if I even knew what that was for awhile...  It's a great time of year to be back and only the best is yet to come!  And here I thought for months I would never get here... Thank you God, my husband, good friends, medicines, my nurse practitioner and my therapist who have carried me through this journey - if it were not for you all I would not be here today! Now I'm not fooling myself - I know I still have work to do but if it keeps helping like this - watch out!

exhausted

I had my therapy again today and I am exhausted - it's hard to work on yourself!  My therapist says I need to work on forgiving myself...  how many times have I been told this?  I was a great session and I hope that I continue to get a lot out of it!  I went later over to a friend's house to chill - wasn't ready to go home yet.  Now I'm home and have decided not to exercise and I'm trying not to feel guilty about it!

all is well

Saw the nurse practitioner today about my meds and all is good - blood pressure is good with the decrease in effexor. Great news there was a cancellation and I got in with my therapist tomorrow! And I have so much to tell her and I can't wait!  Also had girls night out with a few close friends and that helped a lot!  All is well and I hope it remains that way.  The bloodsucker came by and only talked about work and that was it.  She got my message.   I wish certain co workers would treat her the same.  My husband worries about these certian co workers who are also good friends and wants them to be warned.  I have given them warning but that's all I can do - I cannot worry about them cause all I can do is keep myself healthy now.  That is taking all my strength.  It would be so easy for me to get caught back in her games - people have no idea...   cause when she looks at me like she does it's hard and I want to be there for her - but she is not a friend!  I have to fight this feeling every minute of everyday!  Like my therapist said it is an old wound from childhood that keeps getting ripped open and I have to stop it.  And I will...

boundaries...

My therapist has asked me to work on my boundaries with the bloodsucker and I have not had much of a chance since her latest conquest and her are BFF's again.  But there is trouble in paradise again so guess what...  she it trying to talk to me again.  And of course it caused me to want to fight with her and I hate that I let her get me that mad.  So I thought about it and thought about it and decided that I was ready to tell her to leave me alone.  She had already left work so I called from work - hung up when I got her voice mail - I chickened out.  But I took a couple of moments and decided that I would just leave a message and  I did it!  I told the bloodsucker 'I need you to  leave me alone and it if doesn't have anything to do with work or my residents I didn't want to talk to to me'. I also told her that she and her latest conquest must be having trouble or she wouldn't be trying to talk to me 'So please leave me alone, thank you!'.  It hopefully closes a chapter of this particular stage of my life. And yes it did feel empowering!

mondays

Don't mondays suck?  They should be great - the start of something new esp today with it being the first of march and spring is right around the corner.  But mondays - ugh!   I must get a new attitude this morning so I can have a great day!  I will not let the dreaded monday syndrome take over me!  I am better than that!