the knee

My physical therapy appt went great today and my main therapist treated me today and she said that I have made great strides since she saw me 2 week ago!  She has given me 3 harder exercises to do to prepare me for my appt with the Dr. next Wednesday.  More good news - I don't have to do the exercise 3 times a day now I can just do them 2 times a day!  What a relief - it's been a full time job doing them so much.  The bad news is that I will be going back to work as so as next Thursday :(  I have really come to enjoy my time off but I know it must come to an end.  I don't want to be sick or hurting anymore but my mental state has improved so much with the time off.  Thank you God for this time to heal physically and mentally!  

i had to get away

I went for a bike ride with a friend and it was so nice and relaxing.  Then sat and rocked on the front porch with a beer.  It helped clear my mind.  Feeling better now!

work

My work is driving my crazy - well I guess that I'm letting it.  I keep getting calls from my coworkers and friends at work about the changes they are trying to make on my unit while I'm gone.  Why do people have to do crap like that?  Luckily some of my coworkers share my same vision of my unit and will try to do their best to to keep it's integrity but in the end someone at the top of the food chain is the one in control.  Its that new boss of mine  she has now idea of how that unit is to be run.  I only hope that they don't anger too many of my family members and my little ladies & gents in the meantime.  I wish I could kick some butt but I am in no shape right now but soon, very soon...  for now I have to let go and let God...

yesterday at home

It went fine yesterday and I got to go thru all of Tony's mom's jewelry - which is what he so desperately wanted.  I was so proud I was able to help him with something.  You can really tell he and his brothers have been working on the house since I have not been back since right after she passed away.  I was okay and it was easier coming back this time since I feel so much better.  Later that night we went out with one of his brothers and his wife and had a great time. We went out to eat and then topped of our evening with a walk thru our neighborhood - its a historic district. 

Today I went for a short bike ride in my new bike and had a nice time.  It was warm and sunny and was good for the soul.  The only thing I forgot was my lock to secure it when I met Tony at Hardee's after his run!  I kept a close eye on it and I will remember next time - funny because I remembered the key but not the lock!

I'm feeling great overall mentally and physically!  My knee's doing ok and I'm getting ready to go finish my upper body workout in a bit. 

going home today

Today I'm going to help my husband go through some of his mother's belongings in her bedroom. She passed away in November during my first breakdown and I just couldn't hardly deal with it all.  No one has touched anything in that room since she's passed.  It will be sad but he's been wanting me to do this for sometime and I finally feel ready to help him with it. His sisters aren't ready but he wants it done...  Before I wasn't ready but I feel a lot stronger now to help him through this.

it feels good

Right now I feel at peace - the praying for forgiveness seems to be helping.  I will keep it up as long as necessary even if it is for my whole life.  But you know maybe there will be a time that I won't need to because I will finally give myself a break...

praying for forgiveness instead

2 days in a row I have prayed that I would begin to forgive myself.  I am doing this rather than praying for relief of the usual worry / guilt / anxiety / restlessness.  I believe that if I forgive myself those other things will go away. Sometime you've just gotta know what to pray for - God lease let that be true.  I have made many mistakes in my life but It's not because it's what I deserve or I had it coming to me.   For example:  I did not deserve what that bloodsucker did to me!! I may have made mistakes with her but she used me in her game.  Luckily I came out of it before real damage was done.  But I DID NOT DESERVE THE WAY I WAS TREATED.   I have to tell myself this out loud because the inner voice from my childhood says - your mom would think so - you were good for nothing anyways, you weren't gonna amount to anything...
So I have to stop that inner voice and I will.  I have proved my mother wrong but she will never see it because she's sick. I did not deserve the way she treated me either but she couldn't help it b/c of her sickness and I have to let it go.   I am remembering that quote - forgiving means giving up all hope of a better past!  I love that!

If only Sarah could see the light but she's too in love right now - I pray for her everyday!

I do feel really good today - no kidding!  I am staying in my pj's until I go and get my nails done at 4:30p and then girls nite is later tonight - woo hoo!

therapy day... finally

Due to my surgery I had to delay my therapy session 2 weeks- it's a miracle I have held it together so long! We talked about Sarah and how much I miss her and how I know she is headed in the wrong direction.  It has nothing to do with her sexual orientation - it has to do with who she has chosen - a known user and abuser.  I have to lay low and let things play out - just as if she was a child of mine.  If I protest too much she will just be that much more inclined to stay with this partner.  It has to do with the person she has chosen seeks out relationships with married women and will destroy them - its all a game to her.  And if they have kids that's even more of a thrill - like a bonus.  That was something I could not give the bloodsucker.  Thank God he intervened in time!

It was great session and it was about me forgiving myself.  I just can't seem to do it no matter how hard I try.  I know I will never move on or think I deserve any thing good in my life unless I allow it - but this is so hard. The quote she gave me today was:  'Forgiving is giving up on all hope of a better past'. I love that... this is so true I have to let go of what happened to me as a child and quit letting people take advantage of me because I feel that I deserve it!  I will get there eventually but it seems such a lofty goal right now.  I need to pray to forgive my self because I am may harshest critic...

getting in the groove

I'm starting to really enjoy myself and let the guilt go of being off!  The physical therapy exercises, rest, icing, etc is really full time job right now - along with taking care of myself. I have lots of time to read, sit on my rocker on my front porch watching the world go by and have done a few things I've wanted to do.  But mainly just slowing down my pace has been the best gift of all.   Funny - I have been reading this inspirational book by victoria olsteen 'love your life' and came across the chapter called recovering lost opportunities.  God will present them back in you life but in a different way than you expected. This would certainly be true for me right now and I find a great deal of comfort in those words.

Still missing Sarah very much - she has not called, texted or anything - I 've tried but I just get very generic responses - not same Sarah.  I can't wait to meet with my therapist Monday to process all of this drama that has played out in the last month.     

am i okay?

I think I'm okay.  I went back to the orthopedic surgeon today and I'm not ready to go back to work. My knee is just not straightening out like it should and I still have to be on one crutch.  I have to learn to walk all over again with that right leg because I am so stiff.   My physical therapist said if I could do light duty she would okay going for a couple of hours but my job is not like that - it's not a sit down job.  My unit manager misses me so much and calls every couple of days with a report and concerns but I can't deal with it all right know.  And I know if I was on 'light duty' I would be taken advantage of - I know what they do....  So when I discussed it with the surgeon and he saw my hesitation he said 'well I'm just going to leave you off for right now' & 'if you change you mind later we can talk about it'.  So I don't go back to him until june 2nd.   I feel bad for work and all but someone is taking care of my duties just as I done before for others - like when I was helping Sarah.  So why do I feel so guilty? Because that's what I do!  But I am going to try to accept it because I know I have too. I can't take a chance and hurt myself any further.  Besides it will certainly will help me mentally as well as physically to continue my leave.  When I had my first 'breakdown' in the fall - I should have taken off but I didn't b/c someone else at work was on leave and I was covering for them. And then when it happened again - well the timing was just bad.  And if I look at it like this... at least I won't have to deal with the stress from work: the new boss, increasing demands on our time and Sarah's new relationship.  So I am going to take care of myself for the first time. I know it's a cop out but it's what I need.  My husband is alright as long as I'm getting paid and my friends say I've worked so hard I deserve this time off.  So my guilty self just has to deal with it.   My meds are dong okay right now and I need to see my therapist but can't get in until monday -  I usually see her every 2 weeks but had to cancel b/c of my surgery and a lot has happened since then.  She may have to charge me double!!

feeling better

The day got better as I remained busy - I did clean house a bit after I got my butt up. Then showered and I met my wednesday night girl friends and helped with some wedding lei's.  It was fun and I felt so much better just being out and taking my mind off myself. My meds have decreased as I said - and now I have switched from the generic effexor to the effexor XR (my ins company finally approved it!).  So... while I was waiting to get on the other one I was decreasing the old one by myself to make due until I got the new med because I was running out.  I think this is where I went wrong but had not choice b/c the old script had no refills.  The timing was just off - oh well.  Today was the first time I took the new prescription and it has seemed to last all day where as the other I had to take twice a day to keep that level in my body.  We will see what tomorrow brings...  I realize I have come along way but it is scary to think that things like that can sneak up on you!  At least I used the resources available to me rather than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.  I have done a mani and a pedi on myself and that felt good too! And of course did my physical therapy exercise 3 today as prescribed...  but  tomorrow is my big workout day! In addition to my usual upper body workout  my physical therapist has given me to okay to ride the stationary bike now to for 10 mins! 

i know what it is

I am crying this morning - not sure what started it. But I think it is that my antidepressant has been decreased - I was on a lot of effexor when this all began and as I've been doing better the dosage is being decreased.  I haven't noticed feeling this way before when it has been decreased.  But maybe this reduction is more critical my nurse practitioner who works with my therapist's goal is for me to feel good but 'feel complacent'  maybe this is the middle ground.  I can see her point because I do want to feel but not be miserasble.  I hope that it will get even out soon and I will return to myself.  In the mean time I will have to be busy today and stop this crying.  I've texted a friend and if she's not available I will have to try another...  I've prayed too this morning for relief.  I want to call Sarah because she has been there for me before she knows how far I've come but I just can't...  I will have to call on others right now and keep praying!  My husband is out of town right now and naturally if he was hear I could lean on him but he is at a conference - I will talk to him later but in the meantime - lisa stay busy!

dreams are scary

Okay I need to get it out there - I have dreamed about the bloodsucker being in my life 3 nights in a row.  They start out okay but usually end with same ole tricks and lies - is it a reminder to me of what happened?? There not actual events that happened but I guess they are future - if I were to allow her back in my life.  I don't like it. Is it the lortab or the anasthesia still in my body from surgery last week?  I've weaned myself off the lortab it now - last pill was yesterday morning.  Whatever it is I want it to stop...   There is is out there now and I've said it...  God help me!

wednesdays

On Wednesdays there is a group of us girls who go out - we all  used to work together.  It is a fun group: one is getting married, one is getting divorced, one is wild & crazy and then there is me!  We have a lot of fun sharing stories of the previous week and then focus on whoever is needing to talk about something troubling them.  These past few weeks there has been a lot about me but for the first time it wasn't.  I mean occasionally the topic would come up about the bloodsucker but not like it used too.  I am 'getting there' and it feels so good.  My friends have noticed the change also.  It's nice to not be the one having drama!  I would prefer not having at all but I know it is a part of life but I am glad it is off of me right now.  Three out of the four of us are planning a trip to Florida for the wedding and we all can't wait. We decided tonight that even if there is no wedding - we are all still going!   I told them how much I am enjoying my leave and how I would have never taken a leave before d/t my mental breakdowns but I really should have.  This was God's way of getting my attention.  I told God today that I appreciate this time off and I really do.  I can just be away from the drama at work, et al and just enjoy life.  Wow, I have another week to go imagine how I will feel by then!  I won't be able to stand myself!

fmla

I talked with the nurse today and I am off work until at least May 11th - taking family medical leave.  Actually she said the 14th but for sure I won't be able to until I see the Dr for my appt on May 11th.  I asked if half days could be worked out until the 14th and she said not until you see him on the 11th.  Wow - wasn't expecting that one - I thought I would at least get to go back some half days or so but I need to follow what the Dr has said.  I know I need to rest and my workload can wait.  Actually it is good cuz I won't have to see the bloodsucker with Sarah either.  My nurse practitioner saw me today and is decreasing my antidepressant since I am doing so well! She says this relationship with Sarah and the bloodsucker won't last but keep my distance until then - and I will.  I had myself put on the call list to see my therapist since I had to cancel because of my surgery. Since I'm off I can see her anytime this week  - I hope they call cause I could sure talk - if not I guess it can wait until the 17th. Until then - Drs. orders - rest, rest, rest!  I go for more physical therapy tomorrow and I am excited to see my progress - I have been working hard on getting that knee straight!

recovery

The surgery went fine - it was just a small tear and there wasn't as much arthritis as the dr thought there would be in my knee.  So now i am just resting, resting, resting - drs orders.  Luckily I have my psychical therapy exercises to keep me moving even though they hurt like h---!  It's a process.  They main thing I have to concentrate on is getting that knee straight - it hurts but the therapist said I won't damage anything by trying to get it straight.  If I don't work on it I will have a limp.  Anyways - I am tried already from sitting up and need to go lay back down!