Tuesday, May 11, 2010
am i okay?
I think I'm okay. I went back to the orthopedic surgeon today and I'm not ready to go back to work. My knee is just not straightening out like it should and I still have to be on one crutch. I have to learn to walk all over again with that right leg because I am so stiff. My physical therapist said if I could do light duty she would okay going for a couple of hours but my job is not like that - it's not a sit down job. My unit manager misses me so much and calls every couple of days with a report and concerns but I can't deal with it all right know. And I know if I was on 'light duty' I would be taken advantage of - I know what they do.... So when I discussed it with the surgeon and he saw my hesitation he said 'well I'm just going to leave you off for right now' & 'if you change you mind later we can talk about it'. So I don't go back to him until june 2nd. I feel bad for work and all but someone is taking care of my duties just as I done before for others - like when I was helping Sarah. So why do I feel so guilty? Because that's what I do! But I am going to try to accept it because I know I have too. I can't take a chance and hurt myself any further. Besides it will certainly will help me mentally as well as physically to continue my leave. When I had my first 'breakdown' in the fall - I should have taken off but I didn't b/c someone else at work was on leave and I was covering for them. And then when it happened again - well the timing was just bad. And if I look at it like this... at least I won't have to deal with the stress from work: the new boss, increasing demands on our time and Sarah's new relationship. So I am going to take care of myself for the first time. I know it's a cop out but it's what I need. My husband is alright as long as I'm getting paid and my friends say I've worked so hard I deserve this time off. So my guilty self just has to deal with it. My meds are dong okay right now and I need to see my therapist but can't get in until monday - I usually see her every 2 weeks but had to cancel b/c of my surgery and a lot has happened since then. She may have to charge me double!!
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I think that is what we women do, think it is a cop out to take care of ourselves. I have learned that it is no cop out to take care of ourselves because...if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else.
ReplyDeleteYou have learned from your past mistake, now take your own advice! Enjoy your time off, put it to good use, do your exercises and treat yourself like you are special, because you are! Look at this time as a gift!
you are so right about not being able to take care of anyone else and if i can't take care of my ladies on my alzheimer's unit ie if i couldn't get to one of them fast enough if they started to fall or if i couldn't get to the fast enough to seperate them from arguing because i came back to so i would never forgive my self! and that is the situation that i would be put in at work even if i was on light duty there would be times i would be left alone with 16 people by myself- that's what they do. i could normally handle it but not in my shape now. and god forbid one of them would have to go to the bathroom - it just wouldn't be fair to the ladies!
ReplyDeletethis will be a gift to myself - thanks kathy for listening.