whew!

well didn't have to worry about my home work because therapist said maybe i wasn't ready yet and that was okay - whew!  but it still hangs there waiting for me.  i know i won't be healed completely till i do this but for some reason i feel i need to still persecute myself.  i need to remember that i was a victim for what happened - all my life - it's to hard to see right now...  i just want to move on and not identify with that person anymore. 

other distractions now are a good friend's daughter has breast cancer at 41! and a sweet little 2 year old died yesterday of brain cancer - i follow his momma's blog..  wow that'll really bring you back to reality. 

don't know the answers to life...  just trying to stay in the game.  it gets easier everyday with prayer - so glad i have found that part of myself...

avoiding homework

no i am not back in school...  i am supposed to be writing a letter to myself ...  where i am supposed to forgive myself...  not doing so good on that one! in fact just avoiding it all together.  in my defense i have been busy with work, was on vacation, the holidays, etc.  anyways therapy tomorrow - what should i do say -  my dog ate my homework? LOL

still here

i've not been posting as much...  i must be feeling pretty good and i am sure the road back to running has helped me feel more like myself!!  i am still running once a week - now last week i got in an extra day and that was a celebration!  it's going well only having to stop a couple of times when that knee starts feeling funny - not hurting but just feels funny.  it's hard to describe but i listen to it - give it a break for a moment and then start again.  no more racing for me and that's fine.  i am happy just to be moving my body in that familiar way again - it feels great.  other news:  had been a month since last therapy session and i felt like i had so much going on.  going every 2 weeks seems like too much - which is what i am supposed to do.  but when i try to stretch it out cuz i think i'm okay - it seems i have so much to say and feel like i should have come in sooner!!  ha ha that's how it goes i guess.  i am really working hard but i don't think i will ever graduate - as i call it.  but that is not the plan that God has for me.  i have a lifetime of junk in my head that has to come out so it takes a while to purge it all out.

5th run

ran 28 mins yesterday and had a nice walk back.  note i count my runs as minutes rather than distance b/c i can't focus on distance - just that i am moving.  it still feels great - amazing how my breathing has come back so quickly - when i first ran i could not run a block w/o being winded!  one of my friends agrees with me that my gait is kinda like a gimp! and i did do a fart lick too!  great stretch for my legs at the end!

still running

ran 32 mins today - don't know how long i will be able to run but sure enjoy this ride!!

doing okay

med change is complete...  no restless legs again...  and no decline in mood.   so i'm doing okay for now. 

don't know if i mentioned this last time time i met with the therapist she said what would make you happy?  and i said if i could run again....  today i am happy to report that i am trying and up to 20 mins.  some days i'm winded and some days i'm not.   i have had to change my style of course... i  have to do it ever so gingerly and oh how i have missed it!!!!  it's been a year and a half since i ran and so far the 'bad knee' is letting me... where before it would not.  i don't know what's going on but i will enjoy it while it last as i am sure this is only a fleeting moment.  the knee will give out and then i deal with it when it happens...  or maybe God has another plan for me...

loving this...

http://youtu.be/dipFMJckZOM

med decrease progress report

well i am doing well with the med decrease and hope this will help my restless legs and weight gain.  i haven't had the crazies like i thought - you know jumping out of my skin or bawling.  i also had  lab work looks good. my vit d is low but now so low that it needs attention,  i guess.  i will see my nurse practitioner in another week or so and then see.  so for now still okay.  and in other news - my therapist asked me monday 'what would it take for you to happy?'  and i said 'me?' and she laughed and said  'yes you'.  i don't get asked that every day!  i said 'if i could run again.'  even thought i know that's probably not gonna happen i have been trying.  i  ran 3 minutes in the basement for the second time - the first time i tried it it just seemed like something clicked and it was okay.  then  i ran the block on sunday for about a 1/4 of a mile...  no pain.  weird huh?  is my dream possible??  i told my therapist the only way my knee will ever be fixed is is i used and i hurt it then i will get the surgery to fix for ever - so what do i have to lose? 

meds are changing

my legs have been given me more trouble at night so my nurse practitioner thinks that may my increase in effexor a while back (which i really needed at the time) may be contributing.  so we are gradually decreasing the dose and seeing if this will help.  i have also gained weight - the effexor may or may not be the cause..  it may be my klonopin slowing my metabolism down even though i am working out as usual and eating as usual - or simply may be a plateau.  in other news - secretly i am trying to run again..  yes i feel slight discomfort in my 'baby tear' left knee but i think i can do again and get past it.  i also have been jumping rope too and its going well as long as i keep those knees bent just right - all part of my previous work out routine.  i just miss it - and if i hurt my knee, then okay i'll have surgery...  and then i'll have 2 nice clean knees (free of tears and arthritis).  even tho the right has bone on bone - it's not bothering me at this point.  i think i am obsessed about the weight gain &  running again.... i still dream about it all the time...  well see...  i am also having a bunch of lab work done and i go back to her i about 2 1/2 weeks and well see if the med change makes the difference.   if not we will change something else.

You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be! - Elizabeth Alraune

my therapist agrees to some degree that i am working to much and i need to come home earlier to be healthy.  if i come home earlier i will have time for exercise, take my meds on time (and sleep better), spend more time with my husband, animals, friends & read - all which make me healthy.  i'm doing well as of now - i am making a point of not spending so much time at work over the past few weeks.  i no longer want that to be my life even though that means i have to change the way i get positive feedback / feelings about my self.  that has to come from somewhere else now.

i'm a workaholic

there it is - i just realized it (maybe i've known this all along).  it's something i must stop.  i've been doing a lot of reading in my recovery process and have been reading this book about approval addiction- it has been very helpful as far as giving me insight into myself:  fear, rejection, wanting to please others.  there are things in my life that i have said, done and reacted to (with  my husband, friends, co workers,etc) that are just silly when i think about it now (but not in that moment) - i am just trying to protect myself - i hate it but apparently it's a result of my childhood. i'm not a terrible person - i just don't want to be hurt and i allow it.   it is written by a woman who is in the ministry and she writing about her discovery that her abuse as a child caused all these unhealthy thoughts, feelings and reactions into her adulthood.  of course she uses God to help her through all this and he speaks to her in a way i wish he'd speak to me.  anyways i was praying yesterday on the way to work as i often to - and as i was at the light i asking God for his help to get me through this day and i said to him - is this all there is and is this what my life is supposed to be?  it was the longest light in the word and it was so silent...  of course i did not hear or see anything but it got me thinking...  there has to be something else and i am missing out on it.  then last night when i was reading this book - at the end of the book there is this section about workaholics and it was describing me.  it described how it happens and yes we have to work but not be taken advantage.  it doesn't mean i need to leave but i think it is test and i need to change.  i see myself slipping back into that old pattern of working all the time.  its easy - i love what i do, i love pleasing people and derive my self esteem from it - its who i am... and i like that feeling but it's wearing me down with all deadlines and seeing everyone else leaving early and what have you. this was going on at my old place and it ended very badly and i developed some very unhealthy relationships as a result of it.  i didn't know but now that i do if i let it continue -it's my fault.   this book says that Satan is trying got get at me again to keep my focus off things that are important:  my marriage, family, friends and God.  so this is my next challenge...

From this point on, I'm going to treat people exactly how they treat me. Some should be glad. Others should be scared.

found this quote on twitter today and it is totally cracking me up!  wish i could be this way but i can't - wouldn't it be great if i could?  work is on my nerves right now and especially the boss and if i treated her like she does me i would totally be fired!  but that's why she's the boss - i never want to be like that.  i hope i don't treat my staff like that!  maybe the fact that i worry about it means i make a conscious effort not too.   one of my co workers thru me under the bus in front of the boss and our peers this week and i gave her s--- about it - so i guess i can give it back - yay me!  she later said she was kidding... i think if this was the case she would have immediately said so in front of the group!  i sure got a lot of looks- my facial expression, gasp and retort must have been priceless!   oh well it's just work - we all gotta do it....  it's okay and more importantly i'm okay!

...

I met an old friend for dinner the other night who is also friend of Sarah's  - we all used to work together and hang out.  She said Sarah did not mention seeing me and they met a couple of weeks after i ran into Sarah.  I wonder if my friend is protecting me... or if Sarah just didn't really mention it.  I mean we were so close it would be difficult to not talk about each other b/c we were all so intertwined in each others lives - it would be like the elephant in the room.  When i met my friend we got that (Sarah) out of the way early in the evening and i was so glad b/c it was a weight lifted... and then we could move on to other topics  and later I shared a funny story about Sarah and could giggle w/o grief/sadness.  Interesting huh?  I guess to me...  why do i miss someone so much who hurt me? She obviously does not miss me and she certainly is not the person i thought she was or who she thought she was...

Anyway this friend and i have been friends a long time and she asked how i was really doing and i found myself telling her that i know longer feel like i have to be that little abused child that had to fight for everything anymore - not that i don't think about her but i think about how far i have come in my recovery process and wow!  I told her i am so different and told her about the goals i am supposed to be working on and how i am stuck in that process w/o making the first step.  She was so happy for me and i am happy for her.  She also has some issues going one but appears to be handling it all okay since we left our previous place of employment.  We talked about how it seems so long ago even though it hasn't even been a year yet!   What a difference a few months makes!!

Therapy is still the best gift i ever gave myself!

in limbo

Here i am lying in waiting....  I am supposed to be thinking about what i want in 5 years - 10 years!  i can't do it!!!  I don't even know what i will be doing in 5 days! Recovery is funny...  your up one day the next your down - actually is minute by minute:  second by second.  I honestly have never given any thought as to what i want - i have always someone else do it for me...   who am i?  i don't know yet?  will i ever know?  43 years...  you'd think i would know who i am by now...

it's my birthday

Today is my 43rd birthday - happy birthday to me this person i do not recognize!  I am getting used to not knowing who i am everyday...  it kind funny.  For 40+ years i have been an abused girl that let's people take advantage of.  I don't identify with her anymore.  Not that i don't have my days but for the most part i am still a new me.  Daily i am still figuring that out and hope i like the end result... so far so good...  My therapist told me monday she wants to to look long term at what i want in 5 years and 10 years and so on...  i'll  be chewing on that one for awhile in my quiet moments.  It's nice to have junk out of you head so you can think about things like that...  i have never had this before...  Happy birthday to me - and i cannot forget my dear mother in law -may she still be Resting In Peace- who also shared my birthday - miss and love you!!!!!

ray lamontagne, 18th anniversary & such

Just went to cinninati area for the weekend for my 18th anniversary and had a ball.  My dream has come true - see ray lamontagne!!  Great seats - in row K - awesome! He is a folk singer that i found thru one of my facebook friends...  and his songs just spoke to me!  I immediately went to Amazon.com and bought all of his cd's - love them all!!  His music has been essential in my recovery - it's like he knows just how to express loss and heartache in a way us regular folks cannot.  As i cried during the concert at a couple of songs my husband said - i didn't bring you here to cry!!  It was the best anniversary present - not only did i get to see an idol - i also got to spend some quality time with my wonderful husband.  I have been looking thru old albums too reminiscing of our life in amazement how quickly 18 years has gone by.  If i had to do it all over again....  i wouldn't change a thing!

ps  ray's music is featured on that cute little commercial btw with the little dog and his bone for a ins company (i think travelers) - 'trouble... trouble trouble trouble trouble'  it's adorable...

Relix - Video - Live at Relix - Daphne Willis "One By One"

Relix - Video - Live at Relix - Daphne Willis "One By One"

this spoke to me...

worse than the bloodsucker

Sarah was worse than the bloodsucker... time and hindsight is 20/20.  She pretended to be concerned about me and what the bloodsucker was doing to me...  all the while getting info to talk the bloodsucker and form a relationship with her. She even shared a 'secret' to help me feel better about what i was going through in order to get more info.  How could a 'friend' do this  - can love (or lust) for another lead you to break off all relationships with people you care about?  Well in her ex husband's case and guess yes it had to be... but a friend?  Yes because i guess the bloodsucker couldn't let me go at that time because i was the first person who had rejected her in her whole life and Sarah wanted to help me and get out of her way...

anger stage

You know how you go thru stages of grief?  I am just beginning the anger stage of my end of supposed 'friendship' of 10 years with sarah.  I started it in therapy the other day with comments such as 'she knows what she did' and 'we were never really friends if she did that to me'.  The words just flew out w/o me even realizing what i sad.  Since then i have had a lot of thoughts about it and recalled things that really shed light on the situation - hind sight is 20/20 you know. Now i know that people go thru stages of grief differently and often go back into previous stages again this may be me - b/c most of the time i am still sad over the whole situation.  But i am beginning to have more instances where i am truly angry...  

still feeling good

Still feeling good and getting used to it.  I mean it - I'm not used to such a feeling.  It's nice not to be worrying and seconding guessing myself all the time.  It's weird to describe but it's a great feeling.  I am content and I think that's wonderful for me at this point of my recovery.  I don't want this feeling to end. 

Interesting note:   i saw sarah for the first time since i left my old place... ran right smack into her in the hallway of my old work place.  I go and visit the cats and the folks i used to care for on the weekends (to avoid certain people) pretty often and had not run into sarah yet but this day she happened to be the manager on duty. The meeting was brief and cordial.  Don't recall who hugged first but i did hug her the second time - don't know why i did but you know i still care about her and wish her the best - despite her hurting me.  But this in no way means we can be friends again.  We did not talk anything personal and felt like i was she didn't miss me at all...  disappointing but okay... can't wait to process this on therapy day - tuesday.  But with that being said - i am still feeling good...

rainy saturday

Funny title because that's all its done for several days now.  Had my follow up appt nurse practitioner due to med changes and all is good.  Of course i see the therapist on a ongoing basis every 2-3 weeks.  Feeling rather good and what ever was going on in my head has seemed to settled itself.  Sure its the meds but am told that it's me too.  When my therapist asked me to look back over what i have accomplished since being in therapy and my whole life for that matter - my answer to her was it 'by the grace of God i don't know.  it seems like it wasn't really me.  like i am watching someone else or having an out of body experience'.  I know it's weird but i really don't feel like it was me - that person has done some great things, unbelievable things despite how she raised, what she was told growing up, the mistakes she's made and she's really a good person - but i can't connect that it is me. Then of of course my therapist says i need to become my own cheerleader - she said get a set of pom poms if you have too!!  I know she's right and in quiet moments i have been trying to cheer myself...

i'm okay right now

Feeling very at peace right now.  No drama at work going on real or imagined by me.  Now that i have passed my six month mark the anxiety of it all has ended and i have decided to give it six more months - they keep telling us that it's hard that first year but it will get better.  I am finally starting to believe it.  So like i said i am at peace right now.  Med change i am sure had a lot to do with it but for right now that's okay. Things that were disturbing me at work 2-3 weeks ago and making me anxious are no longer.  I can look at it like an outsider and see why i was responding the way i was.  Feel like right now i am in forward of my recovery...  for a change :)

better now

I'm feeling better now...  feeling like i can focus more.  i hate that i have to have an increase but my nurse practitioner feels i need it to help me get through whatever is going on in my head now.  My therapist agreed and i am scheduled to see them both sooner than usual to check in.  At least i can have a day w/o crying again.  This mental disease just creeps up on you when you least expect it... It sure gets old.

i'm still sick

Well my meds have been increased - i guess i am not doing as well as i thought.  Today was just as bad...  i just can't handle it all....  

it's still a pig

I am so aggravated at my work place right now...  We just had our second round of supposed 'motivational talks' and 'idea sharing' to get the census up for our very new campus.  I just am not feeling with the boss and all:  they tell us we are almost over the hump' (1st yr is the hardest opening up a new place) - 'we're almost seeing the light at the end of the tunnel' but as i sit in the room i am feeling the same s--- all over again.  I am working for another for profit company and this game is no different than the one i left (well it doesn't have the drama, entanglement in my personal life & sexual harassment)!  I don't trust these folks either. And i don't know if any of these folks will be around in 6 mos much less myself (remember, i still haven't decided) - one of my co workers is sure she will be fired any day now (i'm afraid she's right).  It just seems so fake...  'can we get a commitment for everyone?',  'we are all in this together' - i just don't believe it.  One of the folks said we just need to support one another and another said maybe we need to pray...   The talk ended in a prayer and get us pumped up - the prayer was a nice -then there was a big group hug and i quickly got outta there before i had to be faced with hugging the boss.  I went to the bathroom and cried and i just wanted to vomit - because i felt like we were justifying building up business but it's okay b/c we prayed.  This angers me a great deal.  You can dress up the pig (the company), put on make up and pray...  but it is still a pig!  Now i feel bad that i have said this but this is just how i am feeling right now...  i know i need to work but this game is just getting me down.  Now don't get me wrong i know this is just the way it is everywhere but i guess i never give up hope that i will find that different place... It is a good place to work for and they do take good care of the residents but i just don't like the window dressing in the name of the Lord...  But i do love what i do...  and this is a wonderful opportunity for me to start over...  what to do...  I see my nurse practitioner tomorrow - maybe she'll have an idea...  will i ever be well?????

feeling good

I am surprised at how good i feel everyday- the peace and contentment.  Even though the jobs not perfect (what one would be?)  i am doing what my therapist and consultant have advised me to do and just stay around those who give me those positive vibes and feedback.  I generally steer clear of the boss and have given up hope of warm fuzzies with her.  And since doing so it's very freeing..  not to say i don't have to remind myself once in a while but over all it has helped.  Talked to a old co worker on FB today and she asked how the new job was going and i said - good but i feel like i could wake up at any moment feeling like i never left that toxic place - what a night mare that would be!!  I wonder when it will feel real?  I have not committed my whole life to this job and that's a good thing for me mentally but guess that's why it doesn't feel real that i left. I have less than a month to go for my 6 month trial of this job - wonder if i'll stay...  i know i need a job but it is comforting to know that i can leave if it doesn't work out.  It's up to me and i just haven't decided yet...  

the black swan

Went to the cheap movie theater to see the black swan.  Oh my God what a movie!  I was on the edge of my seat the whole entire time.  It was so disturbing and right now all i can think of was my decent into madness over a year ago and am so grateful that it i did not get that way.  It's hard work being healthy but my God it must be worse not getting the help i have.  My therapist is always telling me she doesn't worry about the people who are in therapy - it's the folks that aren't that she's worried about.   I know it was just a movie but honestly it has made me appreciate my life and my mental health in a whole new way. 

still having issues with the boss

I had therapy this week and talked the whole time about the boss - and she just is unable to give me what i need.  She is just not that kinda of boss.  My therapist and i agreed that i would just try it for six months and move on if i want.  She is not, as i have said before, a warm fuzzy person but sometimes she can be downright rude.  But i has seen that it is not with just me, so i have to just learn to accept it or move on.  My therapist said i need to get my warm fuzzies elsewhere with other co workers who can give it.  And i have been trying a little bit and that's going okay.  I even shared with my consultant the difference i see in my boss at time of hire and now and she said she would pass this along anonymously to the higher ups - it may backfire on me but i had to say something.  This company is supposed to be different!!!  Oh well i just had to get outta where i was. I am supposed to focus on the residents, the praise i get from their family and warm fuzzies from my co workers.  Go to work and do the best i can and if it is not good enough then this was not the place for me.  But i hope it is because i do like it... So there it is that's what i am where i am at today...

so... do you like your job?

This was what my psych nurse practitioner asked me the other day when i went for a follow up appt and was having a horrible day.  And i said you know what i don't think it even matters if i like my job or not - it was just an escape from a bad situation. Now i don't mean that i don't like taking care of the people - that is my love and passion...  what i mean is the new environment, people and situations.  It's not that i'm insecure or anything now - i am confident that i know what i'm doing.  I'm not depressed or anxious right now - really! Recovery as i read the other day is forward, neutral and reverse..  i go thru stages all of these sometimes through out they day!  Right now at this moment i am forward - the day of the 'question' i was in reverse and last monday when i saw my therapist i was neutral.  It's okay though.  I am in a better place mentally now - i'm still healing and that's all that matters.  And i have discovered over the last couple of weeks that my boss is treating me like she does everyone else - she's just not the warm fuzzy kinda person.  I have even told her that i need to hear from her once in a while that i am doing a good job (thinking that would help her - ha!) - but she's just not having any of it.  She can't do it.  It's not me like i said - she's treating everyone that way and i can handle it better now knowing that her attitude is not just especially for me.  It's kinda funny who she's pick to pick on - it's so obvious - i honestly think she can't help it.  I'm sure she must be a nice person to somebody out there - maybe her family - but i've just come to the realization i don't care anymore if she likes me.  That's a lot for me because i want people to like me - a lot!   But no - i am there to take care of the folks - do my job and leave the rest behind.  Much better than where i was a year ago.  So see...  it doesn't really matter if i like my job or not - i am content in my life, i'm still learning about myself, God is still testing me and with his help i am getting better! 

Other news.... my dad never got the email where i confronted him - so here i thought all this time this my confrontation had given me the answer that he didn't have anything to say about it.  But no he never got it ( something about his computer being down, really?) so i re-sent it... and he told me he was sorry for causing me pain (which was all i wanted)  but it still came with the same excuses i begged him not to give me.  He just does get - can't get it - or won't get it.  He's asked to to contact him but i don't want to right now and my therapist says i don't have to.  So that's over again - much less climatic this time...

home again

Just got back from a vacation in old san juan!  I was able to enjoy this vacation to puerto rico much better than last year because i am so much healthier this year! Its amazing how much junk in your head can ruin everything in your life.  But i am soo much better.  Not broken anymore...  my therapist relates my recovery to a dumped out apple cart and that i am picking up the pieces of my life that i want and throwing out the things i don't. I have never done this before and it feels weird but good at the same time.  Like i said it's a new me and i don't recognize myself anymore but i am liking me for the first time!  All is well..  life is good...

past my 90 days :)

I feel better...  i think now just knowing that i have made it past my 90 period at work (it was thurs)  has helped me settle in and settle down.  There was a 2 week period of doubt and negative thinking that i had to drudge through but some how i snapped out of it.  I just kept praying to God please don't let me blow this opportunity you have given me if it is your will...  and finally it just kicked in that i was going to be okay. I wish i could stop my negative thought patterns for good but i can't help it.  I am trying and it seems that i can recognize it sooner than before - so that has to be some progress huh?  I've even gotten better with the newest blood sucker in my life - i just don't pay any real attention to her now and that has helped me cope with her.  And i think she knows i could care less now.  She has found a new audience - good for her and for me! 

crying to the boss

I hate that i do this - cry in front of the boss!  But i did when i  had to talk to her about another co worker busting my chops about stuff that isn't any of her business. Since the beginning she makes comments to me that make me feel like she's trying to get me in trouble or that she thinks i don't what i'm doing.  I have a lot to learn about how this company does things and i'm not perfect but i am trying.  I don't have that much time on my hands to pick at other people's work!  So i just had to hear from the boss that i was doing a good job or that even if there was problems that she at least saw that i was trying.  She said that i was doing fine, that she really didn't have a hold of all i have to do for my job but that she had no concerns.  She said as she often does the first year of opening a new building is hard and she said we all have a lot to learn. She told me to tell this co worker politely that my programs are different from hers and not to take what she said as that i'm not doing a good job.  She said she would come to me if there was an issue.  I told her that at my last job there was so much backstabbing and spying going on that this was just bothering me and i had to get it out.  Even though i feel like that this is not her management style i told her i was worried b/c the co worker kept saying stuff like you might get in trouble or i don't want you to lose your job, etc.  In addition, 3 different times people have come up to me this week and have made a special point to say that i was doing a good job out of the blue, after this co worker has made about my work and it kinda made me paranoid that this person was talking about me behind my back.  I did share this with the boss because this company has no tolerance for politics - the boss said she has not come to her with any concerns.  I hope the boss doesn't think bad of me for coming to her but i needed to find out from her personally.  I know that i take a lot of stuff personal but sometimes i just need some reassurance that i'm okay from the boss - i hope this is a normal thing and not my irrational thoughts coming in to play here.

a different me

I received a call from a friend yesterday telling me that i was on her mind and on my heart because of the way i was last year.  She just wanted to tell me she had been thinking about me and all that i had been through - that was so nice and unexpected.  I told her that i am amazed at what i different person i am now - it seems so long ago...  but at the time i thought i would never live through it.  It was so painful...  thank God i was brave enough to tell someone i needed help again!  Thank you me!  Had therapy yesterday and she says i am getting more assertive in my feelings and asking for what i need - she wants me to keep it up.  Still work to do - i thought last time i had graduated from every 2 wks to every 4 wks but not this time - and so she wants to see me again in 2 weeks :(  oh well whatever it takes.  I guess it could be a never ending process of fixing yourself! Thank God for insurance b/c she's getting her money's worth!

2011

It's already a great year - that about sums up how i'm feeling today:  happy and blessed.  Can't get any better  than that!