great day

My friend and I are walking a full marathon in april and we are in the middle of training for it.  It was a beautiful day for a walk and when we got back we walked to subway for lunch.  We could have walked to coffee but we had had enough - so we drove!  The training has been good for our bodies and our minds.  And the talks have been good too...  My therapist says I need to spend more time with normal friends and I am trying - but my friend vic always says 'but lis I'm not normal!'  I am trying to spend as much time busy with normal folks as I can.  The bloodsucker has not been around so it's been easy but I heard thru the grapevine that her latest conquest is seeing her true colors so I may get to practice those boundaries that my therapist says I am supposed to be working on!  It's been to easy so far but soon I will probably be put to the test!

sleepy today

I am tired - not sure why.  Maybe it's because I didn't work out last night because we went to the play 'Between Daylight and Boonville'.  It was very good - a day in the life of 3 characters living in a trailer park wanting happiness and trying to make the best of their situation.  Very moving.  I feel good today - you know I never thought I would get here!  Now I know I not completely healed but I am in such a better place than I was when  I first started this blog - in fact I think it's time for a color change again!  Meds, therapy and a supportive network (including prayer) are wonderful things and I can't take them for granted. 

great

I am feeling great and I know it is the combination of meds and therapy,.  My husband even said tonight 'it's great to have you back'. I love him so much and this means the world to me.   I do feel like I am back and myself again and it does feel wonderful! 

closure

The bloodsucker wanted 'closure' 2 weeks ago - and I had it today!  I gave her the letters she had written me that were supposed to be so 'special' and I gave her picture back.  I don't need her anymore and I don't need those things anymore.  So it's done and it's liberating.  Her reaction:   none - just as I expected but at least I don't have those things with me anymore that tie me to here.  The 'closure' was on my terms instead of hers and it felt great. 

still around

Another great day and evening.  The bloodsucker came by and said I was 'cranky' to her  - do you think she thinks I care?  Maybe I do enjoy hurting her - just a wee bit because she hurt me so bad... is that wrong I don't think so! She deserves it - as much as I can give!
In other new I am planning a trip in July to florida for a friends wedding!  I have even called my sister in law to see if we could stop in at her house for one night of rest and head out the next morning! It's interesting that I am planning so much - usually I am too nervous and anxious to something like that but I guess this in the new me!

girls night

Had a great night last night with just us girls and yes the bloodsucker was there and I did just fine.  My friends even said they were so proud of me. I was cordial and nothing else because nothing else was necessary because she is not my friend.  Later in the evening I even shared some personal info with another friend who is going through a hard time and it felt good to share because I have done nothing wrong.  I am getting stronger and I know it - it feels good!

finally it was therapy day

Wow I can't believe this day finally came.  I love my new therapist and she was great with me.  She made me feel normal and human and that I have done nothing wrong.  We did talk about my childhood and all the bad things that happened and she congratulated me on making it out alive - I forget how many hours I prayed to grow up and get out of that house alive.  I wasn't sure if I would ever make it but she's right I did and I am a strong person I just need to realize that once in a while.  We also discussed the particulars of my previous breakdowns and my most recent.  She said you sure have a way of self destruction - so true - I know I'm good at it.  How did you end up with such a nice sounding husband and I said 'by the grace of God'.  He has forgiving me time and time again for my craziness - I even warned him before we ever started dating that I came with a lot of baggage from my childhood and he didn't care.  And so many other times I have just wanted to give up and he won't let me - I feel like God sent him to me so I could finally be happy - though it is hard for me to believe I deserve it at times.  We talked about my anger with my father and she recommends staying away from my family for right now.  And yes we talked about my choices in friends - how they swoop into my life with a lot of drama and I get involved in it and try to help them and poof they are gone and done with me!  Sometimes they come back with the same old song and dance and I fall for it again. the therapist says it is like all those years I tried to fix my mom and couldn't and I was / still am hurt.  So I am trying to fix everyone else and can't and bring up that original hurt all over again - how many times can I pull off that scab before I break? I've got a lot to work on. I am supposed to be setting boundaries with the current person who has hurt me and we will work on warning signals next time of bad friendships. I need to learn that you can't make friends that easy with someone and that  some people are good at finding you weakness and will use them against you.   I go back in a couple of weeks and I can't wait. 

anger

Okay now I am getting angry - I hate people who lie or withhold the truth for their benefit.  I understand if it is to protect me but not when it protects the liar.  I hate one sided friendships and I am done with them.  I said f--- on more than one occasion today in regards to my recent one sided friendship and the lies that went with it.  That person was never my friend - she was out to get one thing and when she didn't get it she moved on to greener pastures where she is getting exactly what she wants.  How could someone drop a person so quickly and live with themselves?  How could someone be friends with someone like that?  I am not that kind of person and they do not deserve my friendship! It is over and I am finished with the drama.  Thank God he has shown me the way and thank God I am paying attention.  Therapy is tomorrow...  I am tired of being weak and am eager to work on my self. 

color change

I am not feeling as dark as I was when I started blogging.  So I change my colors to gray - not healed but better!

snow again

When will this snow end?  It is beautiful to look - all clean, fluufy and light and diamond sparkly.  But it is so cold outside and but gosh it depresses me without the sun... I miss the humidity of Puerto Rico!   I will have to create some of my own rays.  Maybe after I have had enough coffee.  When I finally wake up and get to work things will change and I will light up - I mean it.  Self talk is hard when you are feeling like this in the morning.  I haven't prayed yet either - that will help too.  I'm going to be okay today - I feel it. 

good day today

My mind did wander in the usual worrying and guilt early this morning but I went running and prayed and it did help. I have to keep telling myself everyday to let God take over.  I am sure the klonopin also helped - this is day 2 of the new prescription.  My husband says I seem calm but that he thought I was already calm - not sure if he new how much xanax I was needing.  Tomorrow ought to be the test as to whether I need to half my morning dose - I may be too sleepy to work.  Had a great workout also today.  My husband grilled steaks for Valentines Day and I made him jello - he loves that stuff!!  It was a nice weekend over all but busy - like my nurse says I need to be!  I am worn out but it is working!  Tuesday is therapy day!!

make up you mind

She has gotten back together with her latest friend and conquest so I should not even have to be bothered by her - right?  That's what she does...  But that's not what happened.  She tried to chit chat with me again yesterday - I am beginning to get angry now.  I cannot handle hot one day and cold the next. I was so busy after wards at work - thank God because it kept me from doing something foolish.  One friend to me today that I am doing great and to keep up whatever I doing because I am showing that I am strong against her and that I am not going to be involved in her games.  Another said you're just going to have to tell her to leave you alone - I wonder will I will be strong enough for that?.  And my husband said...  well I can't repeat it.  I go next Tues for therapy.   I am now on klonopin twice a day.  No more taking xanax now and I am glad that monkey is off my back.  The effexor is being slowly decreased - that scares me a bit because I have felt so good on it lately but my blood pressure is being affected apparently.  So let's here it for next Tues - until then...

it's over again

The latest conquest has come back into her life and now the 'bloodsucker' has returned to not talking to me again today.  It was a short lived event of her trying to get back in my life and I am so glad I was strong enough to resist her efforts.  I came home crying because I was so close to talking to her today because she looks so sad and downhearted.  But as luck would have it - God intervened - and I got way to busy at work to talk.  My husband is so angry at the fact that I am hurting over her again but I explained to him until my therapy kicks in and I figure out why I am so drawn to these type of friends I am going to be hurt.  My husband, my true friends and God have helped me tremendously to be strong but they can't take away the hurt.  Isn't something how you think you can be so close with someone and they just turn that off.  I know I am going to be okay and I am relieved that this is over and I don't have to worry about her coming back in my life.  One of my true friends came tonight and we worked out together and that took my mind off things and I feel so much better! 

using me

The bloodsucker is using me to make her most recent conquest jealous...  while at the same time trying to make me jealous of an old friend of hers. I had my appt with the nurse practitioner today and she says I am doing good and I seem to have a good grasp on what  I need to stay healthy.  I told her that I feel like I am going through the motions until I can work on myself.  But I will do my best to stay away from talking to the bloodsucker for now - until I talk with my therapist next week.  She will then tell me if it is healthy for me to have 'closure' with her.  I am sure that it is not healthy to have closure with her - it would be best with the therapist only.  My meds have been changed and I am nervous about that because I feel so good now.  But I understand the reason it needed to be changed due to my blood pressure is up with such a high dose of effexor.  She did change me from xanax to klonopin and I need to get that filled ASAP.  It will all work out but in the mean time I must be strong.  God please show me the way - or at least help me accept the way.  Let me lean on my husband and my TRUE friends!

she's still trying

Today the bloodsucker came by again and I believe the statement of the day was 'you're punishing me by not talking to me'  - I thought and what did you do to me?  But what I told her was the same thing I did yesterday - I am protecting myself.  Of course she did that old 'look me in the eyes' bit - which I passed with flying colors.    I am still so angry with her but not yet ready to talk with her yet.  She is trying and she is very trying!  I know she is hurting from her lastest escapade but that is not my problem - she is not my problem.  Using her verbage:  'you're f------ adult!'.  I haven't decided how long I am going to 'punish' her as she calls it all I know is I am not ready for it.  My husband could just kill her but he is letting me make the decision as to what to do with him watching.  Tomorrow I meet with my nurse practioner maybe she will have so good ideas on how to deal with all of this till I meet with my therapist next week. 

she's at it again

The bloodsucker came to talk to me again today to 'tell me what was going on with her' - while she sounded honest and remorseful about the way she has treated me I just could be sympathetic with her.  I was happy to hear that her explanation was not that I had done anything wrong because I know I did not.  She wanted to meet later to discuss things and have closure on what has happened but I kept thinking that I would be foolish to do this on her terms after the way she treated me.  I first said I would think about it but when I talked to my husband and friends I knew that I could not do this now.  So I told her that it was just too soon for me to talk to her and that I have to protect myself from getting hurt again.  Yes maybe someday we can have closure but not now - not because she is down and out right now - where the hell has she been the last month and a half - she acted like I didn't even exist - that WE didn't exist - like I dreamed the whole thing.  She continued to say how sorry she was but she has a lot to prove if this can be worked out.  I think this is yet another scheme for me to jump in and help her and I cannot allow her to do this.  I do not deserve 'friends' like this. She later told me that she didn't deserve my friendship and I think she's right.  Now if I could convince my co dependent heart.  Please God do help me be strong and to stay away from those who hurt me and keep close the ones who support me.  I will not do this to myself again... 

super day

Had a great run this morning - 3 1/2 miles out and walk back. I'm am just resting a bit before I got workout and thought I would blog.  I have felt really good the past couple of days - no anxiety or worry.  It's probably because the bloodsucker has suckered in a new friend and I have had a permanent smile on my face for 2 days!  Now I know she cannot hurt me anymore because she is way to distracted right now! Whatever it takes to keep her away from me!  Just hurry up therapy appt cause I can't be this strong forever - I've got a lot to work on!  Have not heard from my Dad and still very angry with him for not showing up at my dear mother-in-law's funeral.  Everything in life seems to have a way of working out if you quit worrying but it is so hard.  Letting go and letting God is easy to say but so hard to practice but it does work if you open you mind to it.  So does the Serenity Prayer - I actually make myself say the things I cannot change out loud and the things i can out loud and it really helps me. 

I did okay today

Today the bloodsucker and I had to work together.  It was cordial and uneventful.  We did chit chat later and I told her it was nice to talk to her and she said the same.  I cannot trust her and I know that.  My husband told me not to get sucked back in and I know he's right.  We will be working together for awhile so I will pray that I remain strong and accept the things I cannot change.  I did get a lot done today and I am remaining focused.  I am looking forward to next week when I meet the nurse practitioner again - she will change my meds then too.  The following week is my meeting with my therapist and I am looking forward to that as well.  I really think that I am holding together pretty well right now along with the support of my husband and good friends. 

busy day

I don't know where the day went but I had the opportunity to check in with a few friends - it is amazing the power of your true friends. Bloodsuckers drag you down so... but I am staying far away for those - or at least as far as I can because I work with one of those bloodsuckers who hurt me bad.  Today I finished my journal about a particular situation that affected me and it was 17 pages long!  Very therapuetic - my hope is that if I am tempted in this situation again that I can look back and see how destructive the relationship was.  We'll see if it works...

getting there

I was on facebook yesterday and a girl whom I used to be real close with found me and I friended her.  I would always say I would never get on facebook...  She asked me why I finally got on and I said to occupy my mind.  She said she could do that and proceeded to tell me her current problems!  This was a friend who I had told in the fall I was falling apart and I never heard from her again!  Now that I have had another breakdown - she is interested in my time!  Only to help her!  I told her that she had too much drama going on in her life. I don't need that right now.  This is the second time in a week I have told someone that!  Wow, good for me!  I can't hardly believe it when the words come out of my mouth.  Even today someone wanted something from me and I did not respond the way they expected. Is this the new me or just right now till I get the help I need.  When discussing today my choices in friends with a co worker today I was asked today 'are you a little co dependent there' and I said 'is it that obvious?'.  I gotta get new friends!