journaling

I am journaling tonight about an event / series of events and it it very therapuetic.  My hands hurts so much and I don't even know that I will finish it tonight - I even started it last night and got too tired to finish.  If anyone ever reads it they would think what a jumbled up mess of thoughts but that is what is in my head right now.  Maybe I will be more clear once I get it written down.  I am tired... I had a good day today and that's all I can hope for except an even better day tomorrow.

change of plans

Instead of journaling or reading last night I got on facebook  and actually had fun!  I've been on it quite a bit this morning too.  I found an old friend or 2 or 3 and found my one of my cousins!  It is quite addictive as I expected so I am taking a break now to go work out!  It's a good day today - no demons...

a good day

Today was a good day spent with an old friend.  She was the one who said about a month ago she needed me to be more of a friend to her.  I yet again had been isolating all my true friends at that time choosing to spend my time with someone I would call a blood sucker.  When she told me me this I was at my lowest and that  kind of pressure really hurt me.  I told her that I have been told that before and didn't know if I could change.  She later regretted saying anything when she realized that I had been feeling so bad. She has been gentle and kind to me and waited patiently for me to come around.  She had needed me too and we had a some long chats today.  We didn't solve anything but it was nice to talk and we both even cried a little.  I had so much coffee today I will probably never go to sleep!  I would like to prop my feet up for a while.  I've got some journaling I've been wanting to do so I think I will do that or I might start another book.  These are both good signs that I feel like my old self today. 

better right now

I feel better right now than I did last night.  After wards I worked out and that always helps push those demons away.  Right now I am calm and ready to face whatever I am supposed to today.  Hopefully this feeling will last throughout the whole entire day.

waiting to heal

This is so hard...  going around acting like I am okay all the time. I am getting okay but not healed like everyone wants me to be.  It is exhausting and I think I just need to take to my bed.  I don't know why I am so down right but then again I do know.  This is how it goes - you're up one minute and the next you're down.  When will I feel better?  When will this get easier or not hurt so bad?  When will I feel like my self again?  Do I even know what that is anymore?  Why am I this way?  Why do I keep making poor choices?  Why do I have to be so guilty, anxious and restless all the time?  How did I get to be this way?  Why does it keep happening?  I hope I get some answers soon.  Until then staying busy seems to be the answer - but again that is exhausting...

that's it

No drama happened today and I am glad - the former 'friend' didn't even come by to see me today.   I did see her in the hall and it was cordial and all but that was it.  And I am glad.  Today I was talking to another co worker and she said she felt like I was doing real good - and I said I was just holding it together until my therapy starts.  I feel like I am just in limbo.  It's not bad but I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen - the other shoe to drop perhaps?  I don't know but I still feel like I am going to be okay someday!  

leave me alone

Well she came by again to rehash and it led to more insults to my already injured soul.  Why won't she let it drop?  I know because it is all about her and it has always been that way.  It was never about me!  I am still angry with myself for falling for her games but I will get over that because I have been sick.  I do miss who I thought she was but I won't fall the games anymore. 

it's over

When I saw my former 'friend' today she said 'I guess we need to talk' - and I said 'What for?  My real friends don't accuse me of things without talking to me about it first'.  She wanted to argue and I didn't let her and at some point said 'You know what?  I don't need this drama in my life and I really don't care'.  And I really don't care - even if she goes around and lies about me because I know the truth. I have done nothing wrong.  Like I said my real friends wouldn't treat me this way - I don't deserve it!  Can you believe that I feel this way?  I haven't even had my therapy session yet.  It has taken the support of my husband, good friends, medication and prayer to hold me together till then and I am doing okay.  I think I am really starting to believe that I am going to be okay now. I will get through this and be the stronger person for it.  I have been told that time and time again - and I only now am  I starting to believe it.

i'm back home

Oh vacation was wonderful for the body, mind and soul.  The weather was nice and hot in Puerto Rico and there was so much to see - definitely have to go back again some day!  I did a lot of praying to get myself to relax and it did help.  I continue to have tightening of my jaw which is anxiety related but I did not want to take a xanax.  Also at night my legs were so restless and I couldn't sleep well.  My legs are always worse when I am away from home and there seems to be no cure.  Maybe when the psych nurse puts me on klonopin like she said it will help with all of that.  Anyways, it is good to be back to get back into my comfortable routine.  I do however have something I want to talk about:  My 'friend' is at it again!  While I was away she was talked to by one of her friends at work about how she talks to people?!?! and she is blaming me for it.  She sent my me a text about me spreading s--- about her and how that was not cool.  I responded with thanks for jumping to conclusions and I have not heard from her - big surprise because it is always one sided.  And I am sure that she will begin telling lies about me in an attempt to save face.  Hopefully those that know me will see through those things and if not they are really not my friends either.  Come on therapy appointment!! It's not until Feb 16th! God can't you hurry this process up a little bit?  I will remember what another friend said:  stay away from her, she's creates drama where ever she goes, she's monopolizes your time and she'll ruin your life.  Another friend said:  she is such a drama lover.  And another said:  Lisa, she's just not worth it.  Not to mention what my husband thinks - I can't write it due to the language.  Thank God for the real friends that I do have who have been helping me through this process.  They must be wore out with me by now but they don't show it!  My husband says I am getting better but you can tell he just doesn't want to talk about my sickness - it's like he thinks it makes things worse to talk about it.  It doesn't make it worse and it actually helps to talk about it.  I know I am getting stronger little by little but I am no way healed - just patched up for now.

truths revealed

I was right - I just felt it in my bones but didn't want to believe it.  Someone my husband has known for along time came to him today and asked him about me and my 'friend' and it came with warning.  Basically it was like this:  stay away from her, she's creates drama where ever she goes, she's monopolizes your time and she'll ruin your life. Turns out all those things I have been questioning about her these past couple of months are true.  She was playing a game with me, it wasn't real and I didn't matter to her.  I called my husband's friend last night and thanked them for confirming what I have thought was true because it helped hearing it from someone has seen this 'friend' in action.  There it's all out there now and I am just glad that God gave me those warning signs and finally that I paid attention to them!  I have backed away big time and see things more clearly but this evidence that there was something not right about her has just sort of sealed the deal for me.  If I had heard this any sooner I probably wouldn't have been ready to hear it because I was so caught up in helping her.  That's the kind of friends I choose and I don't know why.  They are so charming and convincing in the beginning and make friends with me so fast - I've been told more than a thousand times that I am too nice!  I can't ever have a friend who just likes me for me because I run them off.  But I always have time for the ones that are users and abusers - they are so exciting to me.
I went to my psych appt yesterday (yes, I had to take a xanax) and that went better that expected and she told me that I wasn't crazy  - I needed to hear that from a professional  for some reason.  I've got a lot of work to do on myself but she said that has happened to me is a learning experience and that I am just human and need to stop beating myself up!  She's not going to change my meds right now since I am going on vacation and I'm glad.  I leave tonight. I don't know if I will be able to post at the condo we are staying at in Puerto Rico.  I will if I can - because it does help me tremendously - if not then I will return to it when I get home...

confrontation

I did it again - I confronted my 'friend' except this time I did it without her asking me what was wrong or was I mad at her.  Something she's been doing is really bothering me and this time I just came right out with it.  I think she was surprised - I know I was because I wasn't sure I could do it.  But before I knew it the words just comfortably came out of my mouth.  I didn't mean to hurt or harm but just to say - you need to be careful what you are doing because someone could get hurt.  I know because I was - even though I was probably asking to be hurt.  She said she's jaded and that she's been s--- on and she wasn't going to let that happen again - kinda like hurt before you get hurt...  I asked her if she really wanted to be that person - or is she that person?  I don't think I got a real answer.  She said it didn't involve me anyway but I told her as her friend I felt like I had to be honest with her.  Time will tell if it makes a difference but I won't bring it up again unless she wants to talk about it.  I feel I am getting stronger a little tiny bit each day.  Tomorrow is my appt with the psychiatrist's nurse practitioner... I am excited to get there and get this healing process started. 

meant to be

I prayed today as I have been doing everyday for God to help me get through the day, take over my guilt, insecurity, anxiety and worry.  It has been helping me and making me feel calm and relaxed but today something different happened.   I believe God puts people in your life for a reason and he showed me today.  I talked to an old friend today who helped me immensely and even better I let her.  She is always so easy to talk to but I just did want to bother her.  She was today as usual open and non judgmental and it felt so good to talk to her.  She said she's been meaning to come see me but just hasn't had time but boy did she make time for me today and I so appreciated it. I so wish I had gone to her sooner.  It's funny how you find help in the most interesting of places.  It gets easier to talk about my setbacks and I imagine once I go to my psych appt Wednesday it will get easier.  I will continue to heal - I just have to be patient.  In the meantime I have been focusing on my vacation - I am going to Puerto Rico!  It will be so nice to just get away for awhile - not running away but just taking a break and relaxing somewhere different.  I am ready and have been packed for 2 days - I won't actually leave till Thursday!

calm

I am relatively calm tonight. I am thinking about reading a book - something I have not done since I have had my setbacks. I do enjoy reading and I hope that I find that it still gives me pleasure. We are getting ready for a vacation so I look forward to really getting into my book then! Maybe I'll finish it on vacation - also something I used to do before. Wish me luck.

last night

I went out with a bunch of girls last night and I am tired. I don't know if it is from it being such a late night or that it is so exhausting pretending everything is okay. I mean I'm okay but I get anxious around a lot of people - most of them I know but there were some I did not. I also did not drink until later in the evening and that makes for some interesting people watching as they get drunk. But I did get loosened up later and even got out there and danced - which I don't do without liquid encouragement. My 'friend' was there - it was her party and she was her same old self again and I was relieved. I am worried about her and the types of relationships she is seeking out. I have told her and that's all I can do because I have my own issues going on here. Today I am going to rest and I am so glad I worked out yesterday in preparation for how I would feel today.

I did it!

Yesterday I did it! I was strong and it felt good! I confronted someone and I am proud of myself. I told my 'friend' that the past few days she had pushed me out of her life, that I thought I was just a joke / game to her and how that me me feel like a fool. Of course I wouldn't have done it if she had not asked me if I was mad at her and that I didn't love her anymore - but does it really matter how it happened? We decided to meet later to discuss it further and yes I did have a xanax - I'm feeling better but I needed the help to clear my mind and it did it's job. You know I could have just lied and continued to hold the hurt inside but I chose to confront it - good for me I think. And she didn't get mad or hate me for it. She actually admitted that she had been backing away - but told me why and I now that I understand why she was I am okay with it. I just needed to know why and that it wasn't because I did something wrong. She did say that I am insecure and I am blaming her - I know I need to work my insecurities but I don't feel like I did anything wrong. She did apologize and I think we actually made some headway in our friendship - we'll see. My husband says to keep my guard up just in case. Maybe next time I will just confront someone on my own and not need them to ask me what is wrong or if I am mad. Today I am feeling good still - talked to an old friend today who has been very encouraging to me. And I plan on calling on another friend later today. I am trying and it feels okay...

forgiving myself

I am worried I won't be strong enough today. Today is the day that my 'friend' and I used to get together when I was still special to her. In fact just last Saturday we talked about it. But now that I question our friendship I don't know what the day will bring. Will she bring it up? Will I play dumb like I forgot our plans? Or will it simply fade like every other day did to her this week? I feel like such a fool for being sucked in her games. Please someone make me understand that I was just weak and vulnerable and it was normal for me to fall for her. I have been told that... but I just can't believe it myself. I need to forgive myself but I feel like I don't deserve it. Maybe with time and a little therapy. God please help me - if she does want to see me I'm afraid I will still be that fool and still be in the game!

letting go

I'm trying real hard at letting go but it is hard. I have a happier exterior and even a happier interior but the guilt and insecurity are still there. They creep in when you least expect it - like a switch went off in you head. It's hard sometimes to turn off that inner dialogue but I am trying to stay busy and turn that switch off. I am better at some moments that others. A lot of people at work have been noticing my weight loss and I'm almost embarrassed to tell them why. Some are genuinely concerned others are just plain nosy. I explain it is my new meds and they are all like 'I need to get on that' - don't they know that this is not the way to lose weight? 2 break downs in one season is not funny! I am scared to death.

stronger

I feel myself getting stronger and I am sure it is the meds but regardless it feels good for a change. My old friend who I affectionately call 'mama' came to see me today and she said ' are you faking it?' and I said 'actually this time I'm not'. She always knows. I had called her on day 9 and she said I sounded 'too happy on the message machine'. I did not want her to worry so I tried to sound upbeat but she knew better. Funny how this friend thing works. Another old friend of mine told me yesterday 'you know if you have to ask or wonder if someone is really your friend - they're not because you shouldn't have to question it'. That is such a valid point and I am trying to apply that to someone I am questioning as my friend. She has withdrawn big time and it hurts but I know I will be okay. Since I don't care it seems she is trying to give me more attention. Today she made a special trip to see me to talk and I wonder why - is it because her latest friend didn't have time for her or did she really need me. I later overheard her tell someone else the same story she had confided to me. I think why bother coming to me when there are so many others who would listen to her, Maybe she misses me but I really wonder... She even asked for a hug and I said 'I thought you didn't need those anymore' and she responded 'I don't because I getting stronger now' but she gave me one anyway. I also said 'I'm surprised you came to see me' - I don't really remember what she said but it was nothing significant. Kinda like this friendship huh? I hope I'm wrong... because I really care about her... I am so sick of one-sided friendships!!!

day 12

My new medicine (effexor) seems to be really kicking in now - it's been 12 days now. Boy day 9 was the worst. It was so bad I was going to call the Dr on Monday and tell him it's not working and to put me back on the pristiq but now it seems unnecessary. I did not require a xanax today - another victory! If I could just get a little bit stronger like this every day I think I can make it. However I have yet to do the real work which will come when I have my appts with psychiatrist and therapist. I am nervous yet I know I need it bad - just like I need to go downstairs now and workout! That helps me too so I need to stay on track.

friend??

My good feeling continued today throughout work - only this afternoon I got anxious / restless / nervous. Work was really busy and don't think I was to overwhelmed but maybe I was. I can't explain it. My heart felt racy and I just decided that I needed a xanax. I have not been taking them everyday since the Dr got on to me but you know I don't that it is a bad idea to take one if I really feel like I need one. Anyway what's on my mind tonight is about a friend of mine - at least its a friend on my part. I feel this friend pulling away. Maybe I am too crazy to be someone's friend right now. My behavior is kind of erratic and unpredictable lately. My husband says time will tell if this person is a true friend or not. I miss the attention I used to get from her. I hope maybe it's just me being my paranoid self because I have such trouble letting people get close to me. I'm very loyal once I decide to let someone in but if they hurt me - I can't take it and then I think it was a mistake letting someone in. Maybe it's like love - you don't know unless you try and if you don't try it can be a lonely place in the world...

feeling good

Last night I slept so good and sound! I didn't even wake up early in the morning in the wee hours to ruminate like I usually do. I got up just at the time the alarm would have sounded and I couldn't believe it. It's like my mind rested for the first time in a while. I'm sure my talk with my husband helped and prayer too. Today I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way. I only hope that I can hold it together until my appts with psychiatrist and therapist - then I will feel like I'm really doing something to help myself. This waiting is the pits but if I hold onto this good feeling - moment by moment - maybe I can make it...

forgiveness

Today I asked my husband for forgiveness for so some stupid stuff I've been doing lately and guess what? He forgave me - it felt so strange because I expected him to yell and be furious but as always he's so kind to me. He says I really didn't need forgiveness because I did nothing wrong but in my heart I feel like I did. I know my current state of mind is contributing to my actions but I am still responsible. I even prayed today for forgiveness... and it felt good. But with all that the hardest part for me I know will be to forgive myself. I don't know if I can but if I don't - I think I'm headed for real trouble.

tonight

I am calm and relaxed - we had dinner and a good friend came home and all is well. Hopefully a sense of normalcy can be returned.

kick in the butt

I had a good busy morning and went for a walk with my husband for coffee and they later we walked our 2 dogs and that was nice too. I felt good this morning... then I went over to a friends house. Her depression is getting better and I think it made me sad because I'm not better. She talked to me about my depression and how I've been isolating myself - really gave me a talking too! I appreciate her honesty. I know she's right but I just can't fix myself - I know I need therapy and I am waiting for the appts with psychiatrist and therapist. In the mean time I feel like I am wearing everyone the hell out! They all say no but I feel like I am. I did call a friend today who told me last week she needed me to be a better friend to her than I have been. That may me feel so sad and so guilty. It was just more evidence to me that I suck. She apologized later and told me that I took it the wrong way. She also said I am way to hard on myself which I am hearing a lot lately too, along with how pretty and smart I am - but you know those things just don't make you happy. Besides that I don't feel like I deserve such compliments. My poor husband - he wants to help me so badly and says he wishes he could take me and shake me to make me feel better. I told him if that was all it took that I would let him! I was also told today to look at the positives in my life - this is hard not because I don't have any but just because I feel like I can't see the forest for the trees - as they say! But I will try: I have someone who loves me and I love him back, I have my health, I have a home, I have a job that I love, I have friends - even though I am shutting them out, I have enough money to pay my bills and to save a little, I have everything I could ever need except my mental health... but I am working on it.

home

I made it through the visit home today... I did have to take a xanax because I knew it would be hard and it helped. My dear mother in law recently passed away and it was so said to see where she died at home. My father in law is so lost without her. The house was so empty yet full of memories. She made me part of her family 20 years ago and I always felt loved by her - unconditionally. I'm taking it harder with my current state of mind but I can't help it. My husband took me to my grandma's grave site and it was comforting. I cried and I told her 'Here I am falling apart again and where are you?' - she's been gone 5 years but seems like yesterday that I could just call her up. She was my real mom and she also loved me unconditionally. She would have helped my through this like she had before. But I know I have to do this myself. Have I mentioned how tired I am? It is so exhausting to be this way.

this moment

Right now at this moment I feel calm and quiet. As I listened to my cat purring loudly this morning I thought you know if I could I would purr right now. I don't know what it is maybe it is the new year - a new beginning - I'm not sure. Maybe it was a good nights sleep or maybe at this moment I feel like I am going to be OKAY. Anyway I hope it lasts but I know my mood changes moment by moment - so I will just enjoy this moment and pretend I can purr.