kick in the butt

I had a good busy morning and went for a walk with my husband for coffee and they later we walked our 2 dogs and that was nice too. I felt good this morning... then I went over to a friends house. Her depression is getting better and I think it made me sad because I'm not better. She talked to me about my depression and how I've been isolating myself - really gave me a talking too! I appreciate her honesty. I know she's right but I just can't fix myself - I know I need therapy and I am waiting for the appts with psychiatrist and therapist. In the mean time I feel like I am wearing everyone the hell out! They all say no but I feel like I am. I did call a friend today who told me last week she needed me to be a better friend to her than I have been. That may me feel so sad and so guilty. It was just more evidence to me that I suck. She apologized later and told me that I took it the wrong way. She also said I am way to hard on myself which I am hearing a lot lately too, along with how pretty and smart I am - but you know those things just don't make you happy. Besides that I don't feel like I deserve such compliments. My poor husband - he wants to help me so badly and says he wishes he could take me and shake me to make me feel better. I told him if that was all it took that I would let him! I was also told today to look at the positives in my life - this is hard not because I don't have any but just because I feel like I can't see the forest for the trees - as they say! But I will try: I have someone who loves me and I love him back, I have my health, I have a home, I have a job that I love, I have friends - even though I am shutting them out, I have enough money to pay my bills and to save a little, I have everything I could ever need except my mental health... but I am working on it.