merry christmas to me

Well this year is certainly better that last year!  I made it, i am alive and so very thankful. There have been a lot of ups and downs but it's okay and i continue to be a work in process.  It's hard to imagine this time last year that i would feel this way...  but i made it!  I am content and so grateful for the blessing of inner peace that i have today.  Thank you also to my husband who has hung in there with me thru this journey...  i'm sure i will still have my ups and downs but it's good to have him by my side and he is always in my corner.  Thank you also to good friends who are the family i chose for myself.  And i cannot forget God to whom i pray to everyday and who has put skilled mental health professionals there to help put me back together along with his help. And thank you to me who is really okay and being 'broken again' does not define me!

still here and hanging on

Well i'm doing better than hanging on!  Work has been busy, different and that has been good. There is no drama and it is often uncomfortable no working in a place that doesn't have drama.   Had therapy today and we taked about the past year and why i am still upset over it - she says that i have experienced great trauma - in ways that i cannot fully mention here.  Therapy is that always is helpful - and of course i am still grieving the loss of sarah - i just can't get over her betrayal with the bloodsucker, apparently.  But i have made good progress - today i have blocked her from facebook along with the bloodsucker.  I am tired of seeing their happy faces on my page...   And i talked with the therapist about the email to my dad and him not responding...   She says what does that tell you?  and i said  guess that he can do nothing...  he has made his bed and i don't have to lay in it!  So that's where i'm at...  still here and hanging on...

nothing yet

Have not heard from my dad except a FYI that my godfather passed last night.  No 'i love you'  as per usual on the email he sent.  I guess that's it...  I didn't want to hear any excuses but i thought a simple 'i'm sorry 'would have done.  My husband says 'don't hold your breath'....

In other news work is okay - i am stressed but there is no drama as there was in my other work place and  if i can remember that stress is better than drama - i think i'll be okay.  It's just that i am so used to drama... this is so new to me!

whew!!

What a week it has been!  My unit opened up with 8 residents on monday - wow what a whirlwind!  They are all adjusting nicely and i am exhausted - i slept in until 10 o'clock today!  I did work half a day and that was nice to be with them on the holidays.  I am waiting for my supper to settle so i can go work out!  Today what has been on my mind is my dear mother in law - she died one year ago today.  I am so thankful for having her in my life.  So our holiday was a bit different - we just did our thing this year and stayed away from things that made us sad. I always hate the holidays b/c of my own family situation (crazy mother and enabling father) and just can't bear spending it with another friend's family - as we have done in the past b/c it just make me feel so sad that my family can't be like that.  And this year with tony's mom gone he didn't really want to face his family - understandable.   My therapist told me if the holidays are that bad so just do something else and why make ourselves miserable?  So we a starting a new tradition of just him and me together - nothing else - we may go out to eat or go out of town - it's our decision.  We were going out of town but my unit opened a little earlier than expected so we had to be flexible.  But it was a nice day - tony ran with a friend while i slept in and he slept while i was a work and then we went out to eat.  It was a nice easy day.

I did make a big step today...  i finally heard from my dad - he sent an email.  I caught him up on the news of me the past year:   breakdowns, meds / therapy (again) and my surgery.  I don't recall when i last heard from him... probably when i called to tell him about tony's mom.  No, i take that back i did get a Christmas card with $ and spent it with a pit in my stomach.   But my big step was that  took the opportunity to tell him what i have been wanting to know:  why did he not come to my m-i-l's funeral?  and that him not coming contributed to my 2nd breakdown - i was having a hard enough time trying to remain in this world as it was and again he let me down.  I ended the letter with telling him i didn't really want to know why b/c i know it would be a bunch of excuses as it always is.  Wow - i am such a big girl!  Didn't think this time last year i would have been able to do that!  I think my therapist will be proud! 

sabatoge

Yes I have been doubting my self a bit - okay last week a whole lot but along comes therapy when you think you don't really need it.  It's funny what you get used to when things are bad and then you pray for a change and actually get it - you don't think you deserve it or that they possibly made a mistake in hiring you!  It's crazy but this is what's been on my mind and i can't help it.  I've tried hard to keep up a good front but thank God i actually tell my therapist what's in my head.  My husband even said something to me the other day that let me know he was noticing - he knows me like no other!   Bottom line my therapist says i have entirely too much time on my hands at work - even though the extra time to prepare has been nice since we haven't opened yet but it is allowing my usual negative thought pattern to creep in. You know i can only prepare so much - i need to be busy!  The sooner we open the better off i will be b/c once i am with the residents - this is where i am most comfortable.  Today was better - we had a caregiver's day out and i did the adult day care and that was so fun to be back in it again.  I know i can do this and i am the right person.  And i miss having a routine - i need that!  Focus lisa - stay busy - help someone else in their office - do something other than listening to that voice in you head!  Wish there was a pill to make that voice to go away...

our trip

The trip to new england was fabulous and i am so glad we got to go back.  This time there were 6 of us that went.  We stayed 2 days in each of the 4 states we went to.  The trip started in nigara falls, ny.  It was so beautiful and there were so many rainbows.  The power of that water constantly going just blows my mind!  And the loud roar is just like the ocean as it drowns out everything else in your head.  I saw my first black squirrel there.  We ate at a hard rock cafe and celebrated of one of the 2 birthdays and that was a treat.  I think this was where we took our first ferry ride and it was so cool!  Our next stop was stowe, vt and we stayed at the green mountain inn - there was waitress that was so kind to us each morning  - her dad won the lt governor's race - how about that!  I love this area so much!!!!  The fellas did their thing while us girls shopped till we dropped!  Mind you we had to be careful what fit in the van on the way home so we had to show some restraint...  and had some things shipped! Before we left this area we stopped to see the von trapp family lodge - what a neat surprise!  and also at some point (can't remember when) - yankee candle store - woo hoo!!  Our next stop was mystic,ct - and stayed at the whaler's inn.  Oh the water, boats and the sights... and i got to see the restaurant where the movie  'mystic pizza' was made - that was my time period you know so that was a must see.  We shopped again and ate and ate at a lebanese restaurant that night - at this place you bring your own alcohol - fun because there was a liquor store across the street!   Our last stop was cape may, nj and the place we stayed at had a neat restaurant named the mad batter where we had breakfast and supper each night.  The homes there are beautiful, the ocean so relaxing and of course we shopped some more!  My husband's birthday was celebrated on the last night of our trip - the eve of his birthday and we all enjoyed dinner, drinks and fun and we all ended the night sitting in the lounge by the fire.  We rode a huge ferry when we left nj and that took an hour but it was so neat and ended up and drove the  chesapeake bay bridge tunnel - 17.6 miles total  and on it were 2 underwater tunnels- wow. That was the end and we had to head home. We all arrived home safe and sound full of goodies and lots of memories!!  I know i left out a lot but we just did so much it's hard to remember it all.  Ahhhh  vacations....  i highly recommended them :)

back home!

It was a fabulous trip and we have been busy with settling in back home and getting back into our routine.  Work is going great and still i want to pinch myself - it still feels like a dream.  I still feel so honored that they have picked me!  After so long of an abusive work situation it is unreal that it can really be different elsewhere.  I see my therapist tomorrow and for the first time i did not do my home work - writing a thank you to my self - i have just been too busy.  Maybe she will give me a reprieve - as i have done everything else she has asked! 

we're off!

Well i've only worked 8 days and i am already on vacation!!!  It was part of the deal since i already had this trip and our puerto rico in feb planned.  I am ready.  What's on my mind now it writing a thank you note to my self - i wrote to my friend but  my therapist suggested i write one for myself.  She said it would be really difficult but i will try because everything else she recommends works so far.  She also suggested that tony and i not dread or avoid holiday celebrations but rather not attend and go some where just the 2 of us. She says the holidays are not about being somewhere that makes you sad, being with people who've hurt you or bring you down.  She said if you just have to go just drop in on your way to somewhere exciting and get outta there.  So i talked it over with tony and we are going away thanksgiving and Christmas - starting a new tradition just him and me!  I'm excited.  Well i need to pack so i'm post again soon and see how that thank you note goes!  Now that i've said it i have to do it!

thankful

Today i was just feeling very thankful and i needed to send out some thank you cards to coworkers.   I had gotten some sweet cards and gifts when i left my previous employer.  So while i was in the mood i sent to notes to some very good friends who have helped me along my journey to wellness. I still have a long way to go but the important part is i am still on the way! I could not have made it this past year without those friends or my husband, tony - thank you to him too!

and while i'm at it:   thank you kathy who always writes something on my blog on a regular basis :)  it helps me too!

a new beginning

Had my first day yesterday and...  wow....  i felt like i was in disneyland!  It is a brand new building - not even open yet.  Except for the boss and a couple of office folks, we are all new staff to this company and in various stages of our orientation.  I got to wander around (my boss told me too!),look at my new unit and get a feel for it yesterday and read out of my policy and procedures book!  All the staff will be cleaning, unboxing and setting up ...  and i have this overwhelming feel like we are part of something bigger here.  It really feels like a team... refreshing...  see why i feel like i am in disneyland?

dead & buried

It's done...  we buried the past...  and it was a nice, easy, symbolic thing to do. I am ready for tomorrow and i have a clean slate...  no one has to or needs to know what i have been through.   I am a new me...

bury the past

My therapist suggested that i bury something from my former workplace to help me in the letting go process.  After a couple of days i have found the perfect thing - a certificate that i got for 15 yrs of service with the company.  I have scratched out the 15 and put in it's place 18+ and added some comments all around the certificate about my time there and how i felt about management. So it's ready - my husband is gonna help me bury it - it'll kinda be like a little ceremony.  We are going to do it as soon as he can find the key to the shed and definitely do it before i start my new job on Wednesday :)  My therapist was very proud of my conversation with Sarah and how honest i was with her.  She says i still need to let go of the 2 of them. So i  have did what she suggested - prayed for them and turned it over to God - not my problem anymore.  Of course i will always care about Sarah but i can't be a part of her life right now - if ever.  So since i have done this i have found that i don't think of the 2 of them as much and if i do i say to myself - it's in God's hands now... 

officially unemployed!

It feels great - i spent the day yesterday doing things for my self and loved every minute of it.  No regrets...  this has been a year in the making and i'm okay!  Today is lunch with  friend and later therapy - can't wait - i need to be deprogrammed of the toxicity of my previous work place :)

i'm outta there

Well it's over - i did it - i survived.  I cried, said goodbyes,  i cried, laughed and did i mention i cried?  But i made it through the day - when i was done i was just done.  Told the residents i was leaving for vacation and then loved, kissed and cried on the cats and then i just left.  And it was easier walking out of the parking lot than i thought.  I looked back and it was okay.  Even Sarah came by today to say goodbye with tears in her eyes wanting for us to 'stay in touch'  but i just could lie to her and say that i would - she could tell because she said i can tell you don't want too.  I told her i didn't know what she wanted from me because it could never be the same - she hurt me with someone who had hurt me - i told her as long as she was happy that's all i wanted.  She told me that she hates that her  'living her life' was hurting me.  I told her  that it didn't have anything to do with her new 'life'  but it was who she chose to spend it with.  Told her that my husband says i have to stay away from people who hurt me and i know he's right.  Told her that last year has been hell for me and it's not her fault but to go on and live her life and that i would be okay and so would she.  I think these words for hard for her to hear but her words were equally hard for me when she told me she was involved with the blood sucker.  Anyways i feel free and i have till next week to deprogram myself.  I see my therapist on Thursday - thank God! 

today's the last day

My husband just left and before he did he gave me advice - stay away from anyone you don't want to talk to today...  i will do my ever loving best to do that.  I just want to go gently into that good nite - just want closure with my residents, my unit and the 2 unit cats.  Now i won't tell the residents anything other that  i am 'going on vacation' and that i love and will miss them - b/c as much as they have to deal with their dementia - they don't need another loss.  They have always been good about me going on vacation and by then some will forget me and some will still look for me but soon there will be another person in my place and they can take over where i left off.  Well i'm the tears are beginning so i need to stop writing now...  tonight i am going to a play with an old friend Pam and this will take my mind off it and celebrate too!

the final count down

this is my last friday and ooooh it is exciting!  i start my new place on 10-20-2010 - nice ring to it - i think it is a sign!  it will also be my last sat, mon and tues and then i'm outta there...... wow!  this can be done and right now it is so much easier than it was when i put my notice in...  the tears are now gone... now i realized tues they will come again but that's okay!  i'm ready!

offer confirmed

I got the final offer Friday and took it even though it was 15 cents less an hour (but it has a $25 gas card each month and it is closer to home) - as i said before it is the leaving that is important to me not the money.  The job is supposed to be 8-4:30 and i haven't had those hours in years!!!  I think i will gain my life, my time and my self back.  Everyone at work of course wants to know where i'm going and i've decided they can find out on their own - i don't  have to tell them my business.  There are so many cut throats there they may ruin my new opportunity for me - or  maybe i am being a little dramatic.  And besides i don't want to hear any negativity about where i'm going, the company i'm gonna work for etc.  This is a happy time for me and i want to enjoy it w/o others raining on my parade!  Of course everyone i have pissed off at work have come around to wish me well and i just smile with this shi--- grin on my face knowing that i am in a better place.  Even Sarah tried to reach out but i just don't want to hear it and her partner the bloodsucker has also tried to wish me well.  I think they are all having some guilt feelings - my therapist warned me that this would start happening - she is so right.  But I am going to enjoy this moment - i have earned it! Yay for me!

only 8 days left

My therapist counted it up today - I have only 8 days left at that place.  Everything going on is a sign from God - the staff I'm leaving behind are some of the best and stable I've had in years..  and an office mate loves the unit cats and will take care of them for me...  I have raised them from kittens till 8 years old and I fell as if they are mine - so they have a new mommy who will make sure they are taken care of on the unit and if anything should happen she would take them in to her home!  So all the things that have kept me from leaving are now taken care of.  I had to talk with many admin staff today re: me leaving but I did not waiver in my decision.  I am ready...  8 days...  I can do this!!!

BIG STEP

I did it - after much soul searching I decided to put my 2 weeks notice in today!   I though what am I waiting for?  I know I'm gonna take it because the $ is not as important as the leaving - it was so freeing to do so!  It felt like God's plan and my husband agreed.  I know my counter offer will not be answered/ confirmed yet till Friday but I was ready since I know I'll take it anyway.  My friend Pam said if it doesn't work out in 6 months you know you can leave and you'll be okay!  and I will be...  and you know what my boss said nothing... he got it b/c when I asked the office if they got it - they did.  18+ years there for what I ask you...  Thank God for therapy tomorrow!

i am in negotiations!

Finally got the call tonight from the new facility and they made me an offer which i countered - so i will know more friday when they get back with me and my questions get answered!  Someone else does want me...  someone else does want me!  i will enjoy this moment while it lasts!

2nd interview

i have had my second interview and found out yesterday they are checking my references!!!  that has to be a good sign!!  it is scary and exciting at the same time.  I have to leave that place - i have done all i can there and there is nothing left for me.... 

still here

Haven't wrote in a while but i'm doing okay.  I'm still waiting to hear about the job i interviewed for a couple of weeks ago.  A friend called me today to tell me she heard i was the 'top contender' and i hope she's right.  But then at the same time i am scared!  So but all is right in the world for me at the moment.  No drama - the bloodsucker is still trying but i have gotten so good at dismissing her!  Had a good therapy session last week and i told my therapist i don't even recognize myself anymore i feel like i am so different.  It's a good different but certainly not familiar to me at all.  I've been the same person for 42 years so this is weird...

she's still trying

She just doesn't get it - she tried to talk again today about coffee - asked if i would sell her a cup... I've done that before with another co worker in her dept and she knows it.  She is trying to act like another co worker would I guess.  But what she doesn't get is I'm not having it!  Today When I went to lunch yesterday I shut my office door so she wouldn't get into my coffee - ha ha!  I treat her like any other co worker that I dislike - cuz I don't want her to feel discriminated against. She will probably bring that co worker down today to see if I would sell her a cup and then sell her one too - she is pitiful and I don't have time for her...  why doesn't she get her coffee from her girlfriend Sarah's office??  and leave me alone??

it worked

What my therapist said to think of when i see her worked!  It is an image in my head (that's gross to me) that i think of when i see her coming, or i think she's around and i'm able to handle her. Interesting ha??  She tried to talk personal stuff today... wanted to know if i still made coffee in the afternoon like i used to (as if i would start that again!)  and she told me one of her cats died and  told her i was sorry but i didn't feel the need to say anymore.  Yay for me!  Keep it up!  She has no more power over me!

hanging in there

Well I see her on my unit almost everyday and it is getting easier - I guess or maybe I'm fooling myself.  She actually spoke to me about non work related stuff and that made me uncomfortable because I feel like she's trying to act normal but I can't do that.  She's not being inappropriate but I'm sure that if I engage in conversations with her that it would lead to it.  So I try to stay busy...  I called my husband yesterday while she was there so I didn't have to hear her voice on the unit - she was whining to a co worker - I never could stand her whining...  I also saw K yesterday - she was pleasant when we spoke but there is nothing...  and that is fine with me.  Wow how things can change in an instant... OH and my Dad tried to come by and see me while he was in town but as luck would have it I was unavailable - not ready to deal with him yet.  I am still very hurt by him not coming to my my dear mother in laws funeral.   I have therapy today and I'm glad - I need it.  Then later tonight - Date Night!  

feeling good today

The anger has seemed to have subsided...  I usually stay busy when she's around or go to lunch.  I am so tired of working on myself - it is such a full time job!  But I know in the end I will be better for it - I just wish I could take a week off or so!  LOL  I promise I'll get right back to it - ha ha!  I know just keep on keeping on...

a quote for me

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. -Mark Twain

working on anger

Talked with my therapist yesterday and big surprise she told me that the anger I feel is only hurting me.  We talked a lot about the betrayal too involving Sarah and how I am still hurt by this.  I can forgive her but I can never trust her like before..  She said this is understandable - and only in the future - when that relationship with the bloodsucker is over &  if she really tries to re connect with me should I even consider rebuilding a relationship - but she said it still won't be the same.  Until then time is the only answer.  I have had a lot of time and thought I was okay with it  but that was before the bloodsucker was able to come and work on my unit again.  It's like it's all up in my face again. This will get better - if not I am wanting to leave there anyways - just wanting for a door to open.  In the meantime - a lot of folks at work are snooping around asking about how I'm doing about the boss being gone, the bloodsucker coming back, am I leaving - just to be nosy.  I think they have noticed that I am more guarded and not as open as I usually am.   I have been working hard on boundaries with people - part of my homework - it's not easy as I am an open book.  Thank goodness for this blog, therapy, husband and true friends who let me release my inner feelings and don't stab me in the back. 

wanting paybacks

I want her to pay - it is evil and there I have said it.  I hold grudges - I'm sorry and I will try better.  I want her to hurt like she hurt me but more.  Okay now that I have say it i should be the better person and all.  Great news I see my therapist Thursday and I can work it all out.  Until the I will Just stay busy and ignore her...

oh this happened too

Interesting events that also happened yesterday:
*K spoke to me asking me how I was doing about the blood sucker coming back on my unit. 
*The blood sucker's boss texted me to see how I was doing... (she was the one who was gonna call me waaaay in advanced if this was gonna happen - but again the fiasco in Fla....) as LA suggest I am watching my back very closely for sharp objects nearby!!!
*I also spoke to my ex boss's boss today about my situation with the bloodsucker (just a little bit - not the full details) - I had sent him a copy of my email that I had sent to my ex boss about my feelings of having no recourse, etc.  I wanted a paper trail.  He was kinda hostile at first accusing me of being 'hostile'  - so just had him pull up the email and read it to him line by line and explain myself.  He played very dumb - quite well I might add.  He knew about the situation earlier this year - how many accusations of harassment does a dir of operations get in a year really or even in the last 6 months?   I followed our conversation with another email to him - again paper trail - he has not responded to either - he knows what I'm doing... 
* Lots of people came by my office today sniffing around for info re: the ex boss and b/c I was seen talking to her boss - but I just did not share, said I'd rather not discuss that and even played a little dumb myself!  

Is this the boundaries my therapist has told me about? Hope I'm doing it well!!

her swan song

My ex boss had been planning on leaving apparently and her boss gave her a week to reconsider.  She chose to leave yesterday and so she was walked out - protocol.  Here is what I am wondering - did she get at me the one way she knew how and got the blood sucker back on my unit?  Thanks a lot...

wow

My boss was let go today and her reign of terror is over!  It was so short - only about 5 months but it was a long 5 months!  So now maybe I can rest easier knowing she is not trying to get rid of me - so glad I told her what I thought of her before hand. Wow - good things can come to those who wait - it just takes so long!  I can even accept the bloodsucker as long as the boss is gone!  But I will - I repeat:  I will speak up if the bloodsucker does anything inappropriate!!  And remember i sent the copy of my email of my fears to my boss's boss yesterday - so there is a record of my fears!  She did try to speak to me today but I was just too busy!! This will get easier!!

more drama

Well guess who gets to come back to my unit to work?    ...the blood sucker.  I knew something was up today- K looked at me and waved & spoke to me 2 times today and the bloodsucker was super friendly today - they both work in the same dept by the way. My boss called me in the office to see how I felt about her returning- then I knew everyone was being so friendly b/c the were looking out for their friend the bloodsucker.  I told her that I had no recourse b/c I decided not to file harassment charges against her - my decision - poor one but it was mine.  So I felt legally there was no way to ban her from the unit - I have no ally since her boss and I are no longer friends.  I felt I had to give her a chance - maybe she has changed and will be different.  I can't hardly believe it and I am just to tired right now to talk about it but I know I need to.  I know she has been asking for a while but her boss told me that she just kept telling her it wasn't a good idea right now. Her boss said she would put it off as long as she could but would let me know waaaay in advance of when she could no longer put it off.  But since she was involved in the fiasco in Florida - we are no longer friends and I got no call.  Instead she went to my boss - which yes is protocol but since everyone in that clique is angry with me now I am no longer privy to the information ahead of time like I used to be.  Sucks huh?  I am sure this is a way to get at me but I am just going to go on acting like it doesn't bother me.  Gotta get new friends...   and watch my back...

boundaries... just can't seem to get it

Boy I can sure pick em can't I?  My therapist says I have some interesting 'characters' in my life.  And that I have got to continue to work on boundaries with people I meet.  She says that for some reason I did not develop this skill as a child b/c of the abuse I experienced as a child.  I asked her if there was something I could read to help me b/c i just don't seem to get it.  I like people who are kind to me but apparently not everyone is on the up and up. And if I have decided that someone is my friend I am loyal to them regardless of whether or not they are good for me, hurting me, or sometimes I have just had enough.  But of course I always feel to blame b/c of the end of the 'friendship' whether it was my fault or not.    She said there is no book and that  I have to develop it on my own and listen to that little voice... But  I just seem to have this sign on my forehead that says 'take advantage of me - use  me - abuse me & throw me away when you done with me'!  I gotta get some new friends...

ignoring me...

Well K is ignoring me and that's fine that is better than the alternative.  I finally saw her today twice.  So sad how quickly a friendship can end - but maybe it wasn't as much as a friendship as I thought it was!

drama, drama, drama

Well I went down for a wedding - even brought items for the wedding is clothes, flowers, table, etc.  But got accused of coming down for a vacation rather than the wedding since we didn't spend every waking moment with them the first day.  So a fight broke out  the first day with a sober group - me and LA and a not sober group K and her clan and it was not pretty.  Her fiance even got in my face yelling obscenities and I was really scared.  So we got the heck out of there and just enjoyed the rest of our vacation since we had so much time on our hands d.t not helping with a wedding.  My friend LA and i just cried - we just have no idea what we have done wrong.  They did not communicate with us for 2 days where they were staying or what the plan was and we just decided that first day to do our own thing because we got in late the night before d/t stopping by to see my brother and my niece.  What a nice visit and I was able to pass down a family heirloom to my niece and I think she was so proud!  Anyways I have not heard from her since - well except yesterday in response to something I posted on face book - she thought i was airing dirty laundry.  i just posted something to 'you know who you are'  - i didn't' tell anything i just said that i wasn't perfect and neither was she and if she can't accept me then i guess we are over, that i still loved her, am happy for her and wish her the best.  She said I should have called or texted this - i said that i don't mind airing 'dirty laundry and people who know  me know that i am messed up and just say pretty much anything.  I am so sick of people telling me what i should and shouldn't do, speak, think or feel.  What made her think that I could even count on her to answer the phone or message after not communicating with us in florida and considering how ugly it ended?.

headed for the beach

Today I am headed to Florida for K's wedding on the beach - I've been packed for several days!  It's kinda a girls trip - my friend LA is going with me - and we are taking my new honda fit I just got on monday!  Ought to be fun - talk later when I get back!

i am such a big girl

Stood up to my boss the other day when she hammered me for 25 minutes about my commitment to the facility etc.  Too many details to go into but bottom line I told her what I thought in a professional manner.  She's fishing b/c i have left early a couple of day (for interviews)  and says she doesn't want me to leave and I countered 'Aren't you really saying that you want me to stick around b/c state will be in soon and everyone else has left and I'm the only one who knows what their doing?'.  It was a great come to Jesus talk and I know she's scared - this is a great playing position to be in! 

well at least that's outta the way...

Yesterday we had an all day bachlelorette party:  salon, lunch and then pool party for my friend who is getting married in Florida.  And at the pool party was the 'the couple' Sarah and the...  well I can't hardly say it you know my former friend...   the 'blood sucker'.  I guess my heart has softened b/c it's hard for me to imagine that Sarah would be with someone like her so it's hard to call her that when talking about them together.  We did speak and she's calmed down and was not trying so hard to be the life of the party.  I remember she was like that before in her previous relationship - she was calm and secure. Then when they broke up she was just so heartbroken and just went wild - but she also needed her adderall (she had quit taken it).  I felt like Sarah & everyone else's eyes were on me to see how I would react.   But the first hello came quickly and it was over and I just stayed busy visiting with everyone else.  We spoke again throughout the night - uncomfortable but okay.  I was mentally exhausted thought from just the whole day and seeing them cuddle etc, and having to put on a good face.  But I know they really care about each other - I saw they way they looked in each others eyes. So I'm happy they are happy but I just don't care to spend that much time with them. It has nothing to do with them being women and everything to do with thy type of person Sarah has chosen.  But my friends say there is someone for everyone and maybe Sarah has changed her.  And for that I'm glad but doesn't mean I want to be exposed to that constantly b/c there will always be a sting for me that I think will never go away.  Thank God there was a lot of people to talk to to keep me busy.  I did email Sarah today and told her it was great to see her and I was glad she was happy - then added that I was happy for them both.  Sarah wrote back that she was really happy and appreciated me saying that.  So I felt like the bigger person - don't care if they noticed or not.  My friends rallied around me that night and told me how proud they were of me and that I kept my cool all night and look how far I've come.  I will keep praying for Sarah - her divorce is final Tuesday - and let go and let God.

the blame game

My boss is now blaming us 'the clique' for Amy leaving - boy she's good.  Saying: she said she said stuff and she not having it anymore.  What she doesn't understand is that Amy is broken as well and just couldn't do it anymore.  The boss kept looking at me and Sarah in the dept mgrs meeting as if we were to blame.  Not the first time we have an a-- chewing - it last for almost 25 mins.  But this time it didn't bother me I felt sorry for her b/c she feels she has to have this lecture with us.  She told us that if we were not going to work with her then maybe this wasn't the place for us - heard that one so many times.   

one by one

Just as my boss said she would do so just a few short months ago - she's getting rid of us one by one.  My good  friend Amy who has been on leave for mental and who did my job while I was on leave has quit effective immediately.  She can no longer handle that toxic place and she has worked there longer than I have - since she was in high school and moved her way up in rank.  You could ask for a better employee or team player.  But she was part of the 'clique' that we are all supposedly in according to my boss.  And if things didn't go her way she wasn't 'having it'.  It was so sad to see her walk out of there - the boss watches you of course as you clean out your office and then walks to your car.  So sad - but it won't be when I leave because I will be rejoicing in my heart!  Of course I will not be negative or say anything wrong because you never know who will be your boss again someday! 

still doing okay

Work is work and I continue to plan my exit and getting things caught up and planned ahead for the next person.  However I do not have another job - yet - but it helps to be moving forward.  I got a call today about a part time job today and playing phone tag but that's okay.  One of our docs who is the medical director at our facility said to me she was sorry that my unit manager was leaving and was I okay?  I told her I was fine and inadvertently told her that I was 'done'.  She did not act the least bit surprised and told me when I was ready to give her a call - she makes rounds in other facilities.  I made her promise not to tell that I was 'looking' and she said she wouldn't - don't know if I can get fired or not for looking but my boss would find some way to get rid of me.  Anyways I told the doc that I was working on a few things but certainly would if those did not pan out.  It's still scary to think of leaving but I'm gonna be okay.  I have to be.  I can do this.  Change won't kill me! 

i am not going crazy again!

I was so worked up these past couple of days I was afraid I was headed down that same spiral again that is so familiar to me.  But thank God for therapy!  My therapist said "You're not going crazy. You are just grieving a place that you are leaving and you going to be okay".  When I look back over that last few days since I have been back at work - I am sad - and I know I've done the anger thing this week for sure! Now I just feel at peace with myself for making the decision to leave.  Of course I am sad about leaving my residents and the unit cats! But they will be okay and I have to go.  She says that I am moving forward and something will come along.  It may take awhile but in my mind I have left and am not as emotionally vested as I used to be.  Didn't think it would turn out this way but I'm okay with it.  And I'm going to be okay!

i've packed

Well, I've packed my office up - don't know where I'm going or when I'm leaving but I'm ready for anything at a moments notice.  Today I put 5 bags of text books, personal items, etc in the trunk of my car.  It makes me feel better just to be ready.  I cannot stand it in that toxic place anymore. My unit manager put in her notice Monday and I just can't get past it.  It's just like last year - this was how it all began - one loss after another and then I just broke down.  I am not gonna let it happen again!  Tony's okay with it as long as I'm looking forward.  I've got my resume in several places but no scheduled interviews yet.  We will see. Thank God I have therapy tomorrow afternoon.

sunny day

Spent yesterday with one of my best friends just lounging in her pool having girl talk and working on our tan for florida - she's getting married in 3 weeks!  It was nice and she's noticed how good I feel -  I feel so different and at peace it amazing.  But I needed to get out of the house for awhile.  My husband was on edge, working on a car that just keeps breaking down and his father stayed over as he has been doing like every other week because he's lonely.  They have never been close. His dad is a sober alcoholic so you know what all comes with that.   And since his mom died he is forced into being close to his dad and it just brings up old junk - I can understand that!  So I thought it was best that I get out for awhile - because we were snippy with each other and I didn't want to say anything we'd regret. His best friend is out of town but I think he just needed to be by himself for awhile. So after an afternoon break - he had calmed down and we went out for awhile.  I wish I could do more to help him but all I can do is be there and listen - and sometimes just get out of his way!  LOL

work sucks

What I really mean is the mood of the building - not particularly me.  I am okay... I feel so much at peace right know and others have noticed too.  What will be will be.  I will do my half days and get done what I can and get out of there with no drama and trauma.  My good friend Amy who has held my unit together while I was on leave is now on leave herself- for mental - she needs it so bad.  And my unit manager who I love so much is also quitting next month - she is the best thing that ever happened to me on my unit!  She helped me together at work during my breakdowns until I had to take my leave for my knee!  This place is breaking everyone's spirits!  But it won't break me and I know that now and I am so proud of myself.  Boy I've come along way and I am so proud of myself!

my birthday

Today I am celebrating my 42nd birthday!  With effort I put an exclamation point.  I share my birthday with a beautiful lady - my mother in law who would have been 78 this year.  As you may recall she's passed away  about 7 mos ago right in the middle of my first break down.  Our birthday this year just doesn't hold the excitement it used too.  I used to always celebrate my birthday as a month rather than the just the day and she shared the same excitement.  We rejoiced in sharing that same birthday since she adopted me into her family when Tony and I were just dating 21 years ago!  He used to make us a cheesecake to celebrate - with cherries on top and we laugh and say if we ever got married there would be no way he could ever forget our birthdays!  We used to go out to lunch for our birthdays together and when the waiter asked if we wanted to share our free dessert we just look at each other and laughed and in unison said 'NO".  Then at the end we would exchange the checks and pay for each others lunch.  We always had so much fun together.  She is really on my mind today for obvious reasons and last night we went to a special mass for her with some of the family - it was nice.  My hope is that next year that I can celebrate for the both of us without feeling so sad.  I know you just gotta get past all the 'firsts' first.  So Happy Birthday to us!  I love you Mammaw!  And miss you too!

i made it!

I did it, I made it thru my first day.  I was so anxious and nervous but as my counselor said - you made it!  I can see why i am only half days because my legs are tired.  Sarah actually came to my unit to see me and I was glad  and we had a nice short visit.  And yes I saw you know who, the bloodsucker, and it was fine - she was with one other person and it was easy, very brief chit chat from a distance and I made it!  Gotta go to bed now and rest those knees!

today's the day

I've already had a good cry this morning during my prayers.  I'm okay now.  I go in at noon and I as resting my legs in preparation for today. Thoughts for today:   I CANNOT GET IT ALL DONE TODAY,  PRIORITIZE,  ONE DAY AT A TIME, LET GO & LET GOD, GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE  and finally:  WORK DOES NOT HAVE TO BE MY LIFE ANY MORE. 

back to work!

Well I actually have be released to go back tomorrow for half days!  I am nervous and excited all at the same time.  I must remember that I can't get it done all in one day!  My boss was actually very welcoming to me - I know - watch my back.  But I am glad and I have see my counselor tomorrow after work - great timing huh? 

a nice getaway

Nothing new to report just feeling really good and recharged from a nice weekend away on the Delta Queen - it's docked in Chattanooga and we really enjoy it.  Tony and I got away to celebrate our 17th anniversary this weekend and it was so nice.  I really needed that.  I do have a busy week planned (lots of appts and errands) as next week I am supposed to begin half days at work - unless my knees act up again! 

still off

Thank God he has a plan because I simply did not know what to do...  I prayed that that he would show me what to do.  I went to my physical therapy today and guess what - I have one more visit and the therapist was not ready to release me.  I go back on the 16th and then she will she how I'm doing.  If she thinks I'm doing okay she will talk to the Dr about half days the following week.  Decision made - w/o me having to do anything - all that worry for nothing.  I am so glad God is in control because I could not decide whether or not to go back.  I do feel sore from the different exercises that we did today so I know that I'm not ready.  I am at peace with the decision...

anxious again

My mind is wandering a bit like a broken record again since the nurse practitioner has decreased my klonopin so I am going back to my original dose.  She said I could if I needed to - she just wanted me to try.  I haven't be able to go to sleep like was before and I am worrying/ruminating more than I was throughout the day.  But I also have reasons:   my knees, physical therapy ending and when to go back to work.  And the environment right now there from my co workers is bad.  It is going to be hard enough physically to go back and I want to be sure I am ready mentally as well. I will keep praying to let go and let God - because he is in charge as usual.  Let go Lisa...  let go...

the verdict on the other knee

The good news is that other knee just seems to be having some inflammation / arthritis. X- rays show that the knee looks better than the surgical knee!  Nothing seems to warrant another MRI - no suspected tear in cartilage - yay!  Had another cortisone shot - helping already today!  Crutches not needed past 24 hours. 

Bad news:  doc has ordered a round of therapy for the other knee but my ins co will not allow anymore visits after my 20th visit on monday!  He will not release me yet and I see him on july 2nd.  He did say if I was feeling better he would release me sooner but not yet.  I have a big decision to make after monday.  Hopefully I will feel better enough to go back - you know before the snap I was ready.  It scares me to think I have to make this decision on my own but my PT says I know what to do as far as exercising that knee.  And my sis in law is a PT in my hometown and she will email me some new stuff to work on and suggests going to drugstore for some knee supports for when I go back.  It's gonna be okay!

Thank goodness I see my therapist (mental) today to talk - it will help to work it out.  My friends on girls nite say stay off as long as I can but I can't in my heart if I do start feeling better - I don't want to 'milk it' as they say. Cuz something could happen again and I won't have any sick time left - even though I have a lot of vacation left.  My boss told me yesterday that I was truly missed, but also asked if this was gonna be a chronic condition - that made me nervous.  Anyway she did also say that if something were to happen at work - it would be a workmen's comp issue and then I would have to be off again so that wouldn't be good.  So that's what's on my mind today.  Along with resting, tresting and resting!  One of my friends she would pray for the 'rest monsters to stay away' - isn't that cute. 

BTW: my 17th anniversary is today - wow! We're going to dinner tonight and getting away to celebrate next weekend!

my 100th post

Like we knew this wouldn't happen?  While I was out today something snapped in my 'good knee'!  I can walk on it but not without pain.  I called my ortho's nurse and since I am going tomorrow anyway for check up on my other knee...  I am to be back on the crutches, propping, resting, icing. I also called my PT so she would know.  Wow what a turn of events - I guess it's just tired.  I called work also to let them know what happened and that when I did come back on thurs that I would not be back 100%.  I cried when I talked to the human resource girl and said I hope they don't fire me.  She said, 'Lisa even if they wanted to they couldn't'.  I don't know whether to be comforted or suspicious  - no I know better - they have to save me a position. I'm sure it will all be okay.  My sis in law who is a PT in my home town said this weekend that I was going to need therapy on the other knee for awhile - boy she was right!  She said at this time that I would not need surgery - I hope she's still right! 

last days

Today and tomorrow are my last days on fmla.  I meet with my nurse practitioner this morning for med check.  I'm feeling good and hope it continues even when I am back at work.  I feel such peace since I have been forgiving myself - I pray for it everyday.  It's really helping me but I know that it will not be easy when I get back to the daily grind a work - I may fall back into old habits.  I ordered a medal the other day from the catholic online store - my friend Vic and I were discussing when other not the was a saint for mental health...  we  sure enough the were several!  I ended up choosing St Dymphna - the patron saint of mental illness and she also is for many other causes and for mental health professionals.  It seemed to be the one for me - and I  have been wearing her everyday.  I hope that it can serve as a reminder to me - I need all the help I can get.  I am looking forward to going back and I also think that is a good sign.  Luckily I will see my therapist the eve after my first day back - I'm sure I will need a refresher =) can't wait!  Therapy and forgiveness are the best gifts I have ever given myself.

the knee

My physical therapy appt went great today and my main therapist treated me today and she said that I have made great strides since she saw me 2 week ago!  She has given me 3 harder exercises to do to prepare me for my appt with the Dr. next Wednesday.  More good news - I don't have to do the exercise 3 times a day now I can just do them 2 times a day!  What a relief - it's been a full time job doing them so much.  The bad news is that I will be going back to work as so as next Thursday :(  I have really come to enjoy my time off but I know it must come to an end.  I don't want to be sick or hurting anymore but my mental state has improved so much with the time off.  Thank you God for this time to heal physically and mentally!  

i had to get away

I went for a bike ride with a friend and it was so nice and relaxing.  Then sat and rocked on the front porch with a beer.  It helped clear my mind.  Feeling better now!

work

My work is driving my crazy - well I guess that I'm letting it.  I keep getting calls from my coworkers and friends at work about the changes they are trying to make on my unit while I'm gone.  Why do people have to do crap like that?  Luckily some of my coworkers share my same vision of my unit and will try to do their best to to keep it's integrity but in the end someone at the top of the food chain is the one in control.  Its that new boss of mine  she has now idea of how that unit is to be run.  I only hope that they don't anger too many of my family members and my little ladies & gents in the meantime.  I wish I could kick some butt but I am in no shape right now but soon, very soon...  for now I have to let go and let God...

yesterday at home

It went fine yesterday and I got to go thru all of Tony's mom's jewelry - which is what he so desperately wanted.  I was so proud I was able to help him with something.  You can really tell he and his brothers have been working on the house since I have not been back since right after she passed away.  I was okay and it was easier coming back this time since I feel so much better.  Later that night we went out with one of his brothers and his wife and had a great time. We went out to eat and then topped of our evening with a walk thru our neighborhood - its a historic district. 

Today I went for a short bike ride in my new bike and had a nice time.  It was warm and sunny and was good for the soul.  The only thing I forgot was my lock to secure it when I met Tony at Hardee's after his run!  I kept a close eye on it and I will remember next time - funny because I remembered the key but not the lock!

I'm feeling great overall mentally and physically!  My knee's doing ok and I'm getting ready to go finish my upper body workout in a bit. 

going home today

Today I'm going to help my husband go through some of his mother's belongings in her bedroom. She passed away in November during my first breakdown and I just couldn't hardly deal with it all.  No one has touched anything in that room since she's passed.  It will be sad but he's been wanting me to do this for sometime and I finally feel ready to help him with it. His sisters aren't ready but he wants it done...  Before I wasn't ready but I feel a lot stronger now to help him through this.

it feels good

Right now I feel at peace - the praying for forgiveness seems to be helping.  I will keep it up as long as necessary even if it is for my whole life.  But you know maybe there will be a time that I won't need to because I will finally give myself a break...

praying for forgiveness instead

2 days in a row I have prayed that I would begin to forgive myself.  I am doing this rather than praying for relief of the usual worry / guilt / anxiety / restlessness.  I believe that if I forgive myself those other things will go away. Sometime you've just gotta know what to pray for - God lease let that be true.  I have made many mistakes in my life but It's not because it's what I deserve or I had it coming to me.   For example:  I did not deserve what that bloodsucker did to me!! I may have made mistakes with her but she used me in her game.  Luckily I came out of it before real damage was done.  But I DID NOT DESERVE THE WAY I WAS TREATED.   I have to tell myself this out loud because the inner voice from my childhood says - your mom would think so - you were good for nothing anyways, you weren't gonna amount to anything...
So I have to stop that inner voice and I will.  I have proved my mother wrong but she will never see it because she's sick. I did not deserve the way she treated me either but she couldn't help it b/c of her sickness and I have to let it go.   I am remembering that quote - forgiving means giving up all hope of a better past!  I love that!

If only Sarah could see the light but she's too in love right now - I pray for her everyday!

I do feel really good today - no kidding!  I am staying in my pj's until I go and get my nails done at 4:30p and then girls nite is later tonight - woo hoo!

therapy day... finally

Due to my surgery I had to delay my therapy session 2 weeks- it's a miracle I have held it together so long! We talked about Sarah and how much I miss her and how I know she is headed in the wrong direction.  It has nothing to do with her sexual orientation - it has to do with who she has chosen - a known user and abuser.  I have to lay low and let things play out - just as if she was a child of mine.  If I protest too much she will just be that much more inclined to stay with this partner.  It has to do with the person she has chosen seeks out relationships with married women and will destroy them - its all a game to her.  And if they have kids that's even more of a thrill - like a bonus.  That was something I could not give the bloodsucker.  Thank God he intervened in time!

It was great session and it was about me forgiving myself.  I just can't seem to do it no matter how hard I try.  I know I will never move on or think I deserve any thing good in my life unless I allow it - but this is so hard. The quote she gave me today was:  'Forgiving is giving up on all hope of a better past'. I love that... this is so true I have to let go of what happened to me as a child and quit letting people take advantage of me because I feel that I deserve it!  I will get there eventually but it seems such a lofty goal right now.  I need to pray to forgive my self because I am may harshest critic...

getting in the groove

I'm starting to really enjoy myself and let the guilt go of being off!  The physical therapy exercises, rest, icing, etc is really full time job right now - along with taking care of myself. I have lots of time to read, sit on my rocker on my front porch watching the world go by and have done a few things I've wanted to do.  But mainly just slowing down my pace has been the best gift of all.   Funny - I have been reading this inspirational book by victoria olsteen 'love your life' and came across the chapter called recovering lost opportunities.  God will present them back in you life but in a different way than you expected. This would certainly be true for me right now and I find a great deal of comfort in those words.

Still missing Sarah very much - she has not called, texted or anything - I 've tried but I just get very generic responses - not same Sarah.  I can't wait to meet with my therapist Monday to process all of this drama that has played out in the last month.     

am i okay?

I think I'm okay.  I went back to the orthopedic surgeon today and I'm not ready to go back to work. My knee is just not straightening out like it should and I still have to be on one crutch.  I have to learn to walk all over again with that right leg because I am so stiff.   My physical therapist said if I could do light duty she would okay going for a couple of hours but my job is not like that - it's not a sit down job.  My unit manager misses me so much and calls every couple of days with a report and concerns but I can't deal with it all right know.  And I know if I was on 'light duty' I would be taken advantage of - I know what they do....  So when I discussed it with the surgeon and he saw my hesitation he said 'well I'm just going to leave you off for right now' & 'if you change you mind later we can talk about it'.  So I don't go back to him until june 2nd.   I feel bad for work and all but someone is taking care of my duties just as I done before for others - like when I was helping Sarah.  So why do I feel so guilty? Because that's what I do!  But I am going to try to accept it because I know I have too. I can't take a chance and hurt myself any further.  Besides it will certainly will help me mentally as well as physically to continue my leave.  When I had my first 'breakdown' in the fall - I should have taken off but I didn't b/c someone else at work was on leave and I was covering for them. And then when it happened again - well the timing was just bad.  And if I look at it like this... at least I won't have to deal with the stress from work: the new boss, increasing demands on our time and Sarah's new relationship.  So I am going to take care of myself for the first time. I know it's a cop out but it's what I need.  My husband is alright as long as I'm getting paid and my friends say I've worked so hard I deserve this time off.  So my guilty self just has to deal with it.   My meds are dong okay right now and I need to see my therapist but can't get in until monday -  I usually see her every 2 weeks but had to cancel b/c of my surgery and a lot has happened since then.  She may have to charge me double!!

feeling better

The day got better as I remained busy - I did clean house a bit after I got my butt up. Then showered and I met my wednesday night girl friends and helped with some wedding lei's.  It was fun and I felt so much better just being out and taking my mind off myself. My meds have decreased as I said - and now I have switched from the generic effexor to the effexor XR (my ins company finally approved it!).  So... while I was waiting to get on the other one I was decreasing the old one by myself to make due until I got the new med because I was running out.  I think this is where I went wrong but had not choice b/c the old script had no refills.  The timing was just off - oh well.  Today was the first time I took the new prescription and it has seemed to last all day where as the other I had to take twice a day to keep that level in my body.  We will see what tomorrow brings...  I realize I have come along way but it is scary to think that things like that can sneak up on you!  At least I used the resources available to me rather than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.  I have done a mani and a pedi on myself and that felt good too! And of course did my physical therapy exercise 3 today as prescribed...  but  tomorrow is my big workout day! In addition to my usual upper body workout  my physical therapist has given me to okay to ride the stationary bike now to for 10 mins! 

i know what it is

I am crying this morning - not sure what started it. But I think it is that my antidepressant has been decreased - I was on a lot of effexor when this all began and as I've been doing better the dosage is being decreased.  I haven't noticed feeling this way before when it has been decreased.  But maybe this reduction is more critical my nurse practitioner who works with my therapist's goal is for me to feel good but 'feel complacent'  maybe this is the middle ground.  I can see her point because I do want to feel but not be miserasble.  I hope that it will get even out soon and I will return to myself.  In the mean time I will have to be busy today and stop this crying.  I've texted a friend and if she's not available I will have to try another...  I've prayed too this morning for relief.  I want to call Sarah because she has been there for me before she knows how far I've come but I just can't...  I will have to call on others right now and keep praying!  My husband is out of town right now and naturally if he was hear I could lean on him but he is at a conference - I will talk to him later but in the meantime - lisa stay busy!

dreams are scary

Okay I need to get it out there - I have dreamed about the bloodsucker being in my life 3 nights in a row.  They start out okay but usually end with same ole tricks and lies - is it a reminder to me of what happened?? There not actual events that happened but I guess they are future - if I were to allow her back in my life.  I don't like it. Is it the lortab or the anasthesia still in my body from surgery last week?  I've weaned myself off the lortab it now - last pill was yesterday morning.  Whatever it is I want it to stop...   There is is out there now and I've said it...  God help me!

wednesdays

On Wednesdays there is a group of us girls who go out - we all  used to work together.  It is a fun group: one is getting married, one is getting divorced, one is wild & crazy and then there is me!  We have a lot of fun sharing stories of the previous week and then focus on whoever is needing to talk about something troubling them.  These past few weeks there has been a lot about me but for the first time it wasn't.  I mean occasionally the topic would come up about the bloodsucker but not like it used too.  I am 'getting there' and it feels so good.  My friends have noticed the change also.  It's nice to not be the one having drama!  I would prefer not having at all but I know it is a part of life but I am glad it is off of me right now.  Three out of the four of us are planning a trip to Florida for the wedding and we all can't wait. We decided tonight that even if there is no wedding - we are all still going!   I told them how much I am enjoying my leave and how I would have never taken a leave before d/t my mental breakdowns but I really should have.  This was God's way of getting my attention.  I told God today that I appreciate this time off and I really do.  I can just be away from the drama at work, et al and just enjoy life.  Wow, I have another week to go imagine how I will feel by then!  I won't be able to stand myself!

fmla

I talked with the nurse today and I am off work until at least May 11th - taking family medical leave.  Actually she said the 14th but for sure I won't be able to until I see the Dr for my appt on May 11th.  I asked if half days could be worked out until the 14th and she said not until you see him on the 11th.  Wow - wasn't expecting that one - I thought I would at least get to go back some half days or so but I need to follow what the Dr has said.  I know I need to rest and my workload can wait.  Actually it is good cuz I won't have to see the bloodsucker with Sarah either.  My nurse practitioner saw me today and is decreasing my antidepressant since I am doing so well! She says this relationship with Sarah and the bloodsucker won't last but keep my distance until then - and I will.  I had myself put on the call list to see my therapist since I had to cancel because of my surgery. Since I'm off I can see her anytime this week  - I hope they call cause I could sure talk - if not I guess it can wait until the 17th. Until then - Drs. orders - rest, rest, rest!  I go for more physical therapy tomorrow and I am excited to see my progress - I have been working hard on getting that knee straight!

recovery

The surgery went fine - it was just a small tear and there wasn't as much arthritis as the dr thought there would be in my knee.  So now i am just resting, resting, resting - drs orders.  Luckily I have my psychical therapy exercises to keep me moving even though they hurt like h---!  It's a process.  They main thing I have to concentrate on is getting that knee straight - it hurts but the therapist said I won't damage anything by trying to get it straight.  If I don't work on it I will have a limp.  Anyways - I am tried already from sitting up and need to go lay back down! 

today with sarah

I had to help Sarah at work today and of course the bloodsucker came by a couple of times.  I ignored her most of the time but I did offer to leave the office when I walked in on them if they needed to talk.  It is weird and uncomfortable and God love my husband cause he called Sarah and asked her to be a little more sensitive about her new girlfriend coming in the office while I am in there helping her with her work. And he said that I was more forgiving than he would be.  Of course I know she will tell the bloodsucker and she will know that bothers  me and get a big hear about it. Oh well after tomorrow I'm off work for surgery and that will be a good thing because when I am back at work they won't need me to help Sarah anymore.  I post as soon as I can on how my surgery went and I'm doing!  Until then...

saturday with sarah

Well my friend came over and was honest with me today.  Turns out she and the bloodsucker are a 'couple'.  It had to have been hard for her to tell me - she went into all her feelings that she has had as a teenager, adult and married life.  I had know idea of course I didn't become friends with her till we met in her early 20's.  Wow, she has always been so reserved and never seemed happy until she and her husband adopted their baby.  And I guess I understand now why because she was hiding something or rather trying to push those  feelings away.  Her husband wants her to file for divorce immediately and that's fine with Sarah because she is 'done' anyway and she wants to be with women.  She says things haven't been right for years and he knows about 2 other women early on in their relationship before and after marriage- it was okay with him then but things have changed now because she has left him and the things she has heard about the bloodsucker from me, my husband and other folks who know how she can be.  I admire her honesty - she wanted to tell her parents and me herself.  Her husband is being difficult (understandably b/c his whole world is changing) about the whole thing wanted to spill the beans to us - but he allowed her time to tell us.  It doesn't bother me at all that she is a lesbian - what bothers me is that she has fallen for the bloodsucker.  She wanted me to to okay with it because she and I have been friends for a long time - I told her that I was not going to trash talk her and if she is making her happy then that was all I cared about.  She says that maybe she's a fool - she's keeping her guard up but that she is happy.  We agreed we didn't want this to affect our friendship.  I told her that I didn't feel I could just go get a beer with them just yet but maybe in the future with a big group of people b/c I could never trust this person.  She says she understands that and knows that this may just be a fleeting relationship but she is out now to everyone.  She knows the road ahead is going to be difficult and I am so glad I got her to see a therapist.  Maybe that's my reason for being here on earth - not 'to rescue' as my therapist says but just to give a gentle push in the right direction and just let go.

My husband is still worried and wants me to break this relationship with Sarah - says if I let this bloodsucker back into my life that 'we are done.'  What he doesn't understand is that I need my true friends now even if they are making what we think are bad decisions.  If I let 'her' back into my life - it won't matter about me and Tony b/c I will be done. That's how she works...

the second opinion

The verdict is in - The second opinion does see a medial meniscus tear!  I have day surgery scheduled for next thurs!  Actually I'm doing okay with the news.  I am just glad to know why I am getting worse instead of better!

My friend Sarah went for her 1st counseling session tonight and I am so happy for her - that way she can talk to someone other than the bloodsucker.  In fact interestingly enough she does want to hang out with me on sat - I am suprised it is with me rather than 'her' but I am not going to question it!  Maybe she's had a breakthrough or maybe she just wants to talk with someone other than 'her'.   Please God help be say and do the right things and keep my nose out of business I'm not supposed to be in!

much better now

Boy I was sure down on Monday...  later that evening I discovered my antidepressant that I take in the morning still in the pill box!  Wow, that's what happens when I miss one dose!  I was a mess and thank God I had the day off and was able to spend it with my friend Vickie - she accepts me as I am when I fall apart - she's just there.  We spent the afternoon crying and drinking beer.  We later had a good laugh about me missing my pill  'Oh Lis, no wonder you were such a mess' and I said 'Vic, I'm glad I was with you when it happened it was meant to be'. 

The MRI shows no tear but the doc wants a second opinion.  Of course I got a stern lecture on how I have been getting back in to running and walking too soon - I didn't want to tell him his therapists said I could try but I know I've been pushing myself beyond to get back in the game. He says to stop it all now - I've got to get well.  He keeps saying over and over that even when I get well that running is not going to be a good option for me :(  and I need to consider biking b/c it is does not pound on the knees.  Walking at this point is to hard for this injury :(  So now that plan is if the 2nd opinion is okay I will begin having a series of shots - which lubricate the knee joint - it supposed to hurt worse than a cortisone shot!  But anything is better than surgery at this point!  I am going be be evaluated for a brace thurs - i guess that will slow me down too!  What an interesting adventure this has been.


My husband bought me a new bike yesterday in support of my non running/walking verdict from the doc - it is so pretty.  He is such a sweetie - he has already purchased something for my car to load the bikes on!  I'm ready!  I love the feeling of moving fast when I exercise - I guess that's why I love running so.  So here goes!  Of course when the doc says....

my knee

I have to give in and have an MRI of my knee tomorrow!  I am scared - it is not as good as it should be and I might have a medial meniscus tear...   whatever the hell that is!  I feel like a failure - as if I need anymore proof of this...

therapy day

I couldn't wait to see the therapist today to tell her all the drama that happened in the last 2 weeks.  She said I have taken 2 steps forward and one step back.  But I will get back on track - all the drama has just brought up old feelings of hurt.  She said look at all of us who rallied around the bloodsucker during her recent crisis - she loved the attention and I just fell right into it but calling her.  I was a fool and  she is keeping tabs on me by having Sarah in her web and my therapist I said need to avoid her right now to get back on track.  That'll be hard since we've been friends so long but I cannot rescue her from this toxic person - she has to learn just as I did.  This was just a hiccup in my healing process and I will prevail! 

how far i've come

As I read my posts I realize how far I've come.  But I do feel like it could so easily change.  My husband said today 'when will the drama end' ' please let it end' but I have no control.  This disease does this to you- your up one day and the next your down.  Now I have so many better days but with the drama going on at work with the bloodsucker and trying to get along with my new boss - it has me questioning myself all over again.  The bloodsucker has a hold of my friend Sarah now as I mentioned and I want to save her but I know I cannot for my own sake.  She told me today 'I don't know what went on with the 2 of you and I don't want to know'  that hurt because I told her everything, the lies she told, the drama and the brainwashing that was done - now it's like she has forgotten it - this is my good friend.  It's like the bloodsucker's denial of what she did has brainwashed my friend - like tt never happened.  Please God help Sarah get out of the web.  And please help me remember that I have to stay far away from this person.  I am okay and 'it was not real'.  I know I have been doing good but the past couple of days I feel like I'm slipping a bit.  Therapy is Thursday and I can't wait.

you reap what you sow

The bloodsucker is still having issues.  We all thought the questioning was over but co workers interviewed about her behaviors / harassing at work.  This all stems from the  anonymous letter mentioned in 2 posts ago.  All of us think it it her most recent former friend who has now left the company.  This was also the friend she dropped me for!  I would have never put her through this - she may loose her job over her actions if they are founded. I wouldn't want that for her but I do wish this would teach her a lesson!  My husband is worried she will come back into my life (since I called her and told her I did not do this and i wouldn't through her under the bus) and I can't reassure him enough!  It's over - she can never make up for what she did!  Time will help him realize - and my therapy will keep me away from her and toxicness (is that a word - if not it should be!).

marathon day!

Well today was the day Vickie & I were to walk the marathon!  She did great - got it done in 6:23:37!  Because of my recent knee injury I could only do half of it which consisted of 2 stints: 6m & 7m and I ran to the finish line with her.  It was so fun and I am so proud of her!  I have been icing my knee and elevating it because it is swelling.  I hope I didn't over do it!  This was something that I had talked her into (prior to my injury) and we had trained so hard.  So I just had to try part of it with her.  My physical therapist said I could try some take a rest and get back in as many times as necessary but I think she will be upset with me b/c I might have over done it!  We will see tomorrow when I get out of bed!  Anyway it was a beautiful day for a walk and we are thankful for that! and that we were able to be a part of it! 

God is testing me

God is testing me and I hope I am passing the test. There was something going on at work, an investigation and I was right in the middle of it.  Yes, it has to do with the bloodsucker and her recent former friend.  She no longer works there and  wrote a very nasty letter to our corp hq.  And it definitely was written to take revenge out on the bloodsucker. And she pulled me and some others girls at work in it including my friend Sarah who can handle no more drama!  I even mustered up the courage to call the bloodsucker just to tell her I had nothing to do with this - even thought we are no longer friends.  She said she appreciated the call and said she knew that I wouldn't do that.  My husband could have eaten his gizzard when he heard that I called her but I just needed to do that - don't know if it was for me or her but it helped me.  We all survived the with jobs intact but our rears a little smaller.  Hopefully it will be a lesson for all be careful who you pick as friends cuz you never  know when it will bit you in the a--!  But I know God put the bloodsucker in my life for a reason and he's keeping her there for a reason.  Someday I'll figure it all out.  Please God hold me together! 

train wreck

My friend Sarah who is in the web of the bloodsucker looks so down and depressed...  I only can pray for her.  I went to my nurse practitioner appt today and she said 'don't jeopardize yourself by getting involved' she even suggested that maybe I step back but I told her that this was too close of a friend and I could not just drop her.  She said then I just better be careful because I am still grieving the loss of this person even though she was not the person I thought she was.  I asked her how could I get that through my thick head the feelings I still have for her?  She suggest I write it on my hand where I could see it, so later I did in permanent marker.  Of course it did not stick b/c at work I wash my hands and thousand times so I wrote in regular black ink and it helps.  It not only makes me laugh but reminds me of something very important  'It wasn't real!!'  I was told that the bloodsucker was bad mouthing me in a public area at work.  One of my aides over heard her and told me.   The nurse practitioner suggested that maybe the bloodsucker was doing this to get back at me because 'you're winning' - she did that 'so it would get back to me'.  She thinks that she is also keeping herself in my circle of friends to get at me.  I never thought about it that way.  Obviously she is not any better - and I am not giving her what she wants.  Sarah - can't you see what's going on???

i can't do anything about it

Well it's happening to one of my closest friends - the bloodsucker has gotten her claws in her.  I know there is nothing I can do about it but it is hard to see.  She is so sad and depressed and that is what the bloodsucker feeds on. Soon she will be occupying her every waking moment and drain her.  We got in kind of a tiff about it on girl's nite fri.  Of course we had been drinking and I tried to warn her to protect her when she called the bloodsucker (who was not invited) on the phone - she told me point blank 'it's none of your business'.  That hurt so bad especially when she has seen what this person has done to me and a close friend of hers.  How could one person destroy so many lives?  We made up of course but I have to just listen and keep my nose out of it or she won't confide in me when she really needs me.  I will keep her in my prayers and offer as much support as I can w/o hovering over her.  Please God give me the strength to do what you need me to do.

my gift to myself

Therapy has been the best gift I could ever give myself.  It was so hard to admit that I was in that dark place again.  My session today was interesting...  I told her all about me getting the bloodsucker off my unit and she was proud.  I told her that I don't understand why I still miss her and she said that it is normal to miss someone who made you feel so special and good.  I also asked her if the bloodsucker she knew what she was doing when she picked me to weave into her web.  The therapist says that people like that only think about getting what they need - not that it was necessarily about hurting the other person even thought that is what happens in the end.  They find someone's weakness - and I was ripe for the picking because I was in that dark place.  She said it could have been anyone - and it will be over and over again while she tries to get her needs met.  That made me feel better that she wasn't setting out to intentionally hurt me - it's just that she is sick and not capable of having real interpersonal relationships.  I feel sorry for her that she can't help it.  She did caution me that it was not my job to help her just because I feel sorry for her - and to continue to stay away!  And I will. So thank you God for letting me finally listen to you and realize that I needed help.  You gave courage I didn't know I had.  My mind is so tired tonight and I am going to get some rest now...  

i'm free

I have had two glorious days without worrying if the blood sucker was going to be on my unit!  I am at ease and can be focused now since I don't have to deal with her.  She has been taken off for 3 months and then the situation will be re evaluated.  Maybe by then I will be even stronger and won't care - or maybe by then she will have new conquest or 2 or 3 and won't need to try to make amends with me.  I must be the first person in the world who 'hates' her - as she puts it - sorry about your luck but I am no longer in your web!  It's amazing the fear and drama she creates and it is a breath of fresh air not having to work in that environment!  Thank You God for giving me the for carrying out what you see fit! 

an interesting turn of events...

Friday I talked with the bloodsucker's boss just as a reminder that I do not want her to see any patients on my unit anymore unless an extreme emergency.  I have spoken to her 2 other times re: this mostly due to her approach is not good for my patients.  Her boss has been very workable but one of the other therapist is in the hospital and she has had no choice the last couple of days.  I told her I understood but please remember if there was anything she could do differently in the future I would appreciate it.  She was kind, listened and voiced understanding of my concerns about her approach with the  patients but now it was getting personal with her bothering me (like on tuesday - again).  I thought all was fine - then I hear from a co worker in that dept who is kinda like 2nd in command that  if I complained about the bloodsucker one more time that there would be no choice and they would have to fire her for harassment!  Oh my God - as angry as I am with her I don't want her fired - I just want her to leave me alone!  No telling what she would do to me then.  The bloodsucker found out from the regional manager and told her that this was bull---- i know this because she immediately went to one of my good friends (with whom she is trying to weave into her web now) and told her - she just can't stay out of my life. Of course my friend called me with concern that the situation maybe getting blown out of proportion.  I appreciated the call but is was not sure if it was out of concern for me or the bloodsucker or for me b/c she is really beginning to get in the web...    To make a long story short I ended up calling the regional manager who is an acquaintance of mine and a very good friend of the bloodsucker. I just didn't want things to get blown out of proportion.  I explained what has been going on w/o getting to personal and she said I did have a case against her since I have specifically told her to leave me alone. She asked what I wanted to do and that she could start a formal process.  She also offered to move her to a different facility.  I just told her that as her boss and friend please make her to the right thing and leave me alone.  The bloodsucker lied to her that she had not bothered me this week - can you believe it?!  I told her that she has known me a lot of years and I know the bloodsucker was a very good friend of hers- but I would not lie about this.  She apologized for it all and said 'lisa, I know that she hurt you' and 'you don't have to go into the details' and 'you don't have to work in that kind of environment' - she was so kind and professional at the same time.  It ended nicely and she told me she would talk to the bloodsucker and her direct boss about this situation.  She told me that if it happened again that she wanted me to call her directly and she would have her moved to a different facility. God please give me strength for tomorrow.  I hope this was the wake up call she needs because obviously she wouldn't listen to me!  Therapy and visit with nurse practitioner this week - I need it!

tired tonight

Last night was girls night and the 'bloodsuckers' former conquest came and I was glad.  We have  been talking, comparing stories, lies that we have heard and  it has been an interesting experience.  We were both hurt by her and it is good to talk.  I told her I didn't want to trash talk and wanted the best for our former 'friend' and she agreed.  I said if she could change for you and you become friends again I would support her - she said 'not gonna happen'.  She even called her to quit bothering me and apologizing over and over again - because I don't need it!  You find friends in the most interesting places sometimes.  She has been very supportive to me and I hope that I can do the same if she needs because either one of use could have a week moment!  She suggested I keep my crutch close by and hit her with it if needed.  My knee is doing better by the way - i still cannot run yet adn i just can't walk very far.  But the therapist says that I could be back to running in weeks - as apposed to months!  I miss it so much - of course I do other exercise but there is just something about running I feel so free!  Oh well gotta get some sleep now - that's all on my mind right now!

testing me

I know God is testing me and he won't give me anymore than I can handle but some days I sure wonder...  the bloodsucker is still trying.  Though I have asked her to leave me alone - she just had to speak to me today for just a minute.  She told me she missed me, acknowledged that she hurt me and apologized as she has done so many times before - those are just empty words to me because she has not changed. She made me cry - which I hated - because she seems sincere but I know it is still a game.  It would take her so long to make up for the damage she has done and she honestly can't do it.  All she cares about is her and she's upset that someone 'hates' her (her words not mine).  I told her that our friendship was not real, that she did hurt me deeply and I could never trust her again.  She tried to make me feel guilty by telling me she was considering another job so I wouldn't have to worry about seeing someone I 'hate' any more.  What does she want - me to ask her to stay? Not gonna happen.  I had no response and later said this is not healthy for me to talk to you - then I left.  Yay for me! It was hard - because I did care about her very much.  I do not let people in very easily and I warned her before we became 'friends' that if she ever hurt me or violated my trust - it would be over.  But she was not the person she pretended to be and did exactly that.  She is one of the reasons why I say the Serenity Prayer everyday!  I cannot change her - I can only change my reaction to her...  I am getting stronger - I can feel it!

very interesting

I forgot to mention the 'bloodsucker's' latest conquest has quit her again and came by my office Friday.  She shut my door to talk about her!  We had the most interesting chat and compared notes on different things that were said to the both of us - the games that were played on us.  It was a very interesting chat and I hope it helps her stay away from the 'bloodsucker' but I told her if she could not I would not judge her because I too was once stuck in the web and it is difficult to get away. 

This weekend I had the opportunity to have some girl time yesterday with some good friends and it was nice.  One of them made the comment she didn't think I would go.  A few months ago I probably would have backed out - isolating myself at home like I do when I am in one of these funks.  But I didn't and really enjoyed myself.  Later in the evening my husband and I met a couple we hang out with and had dinner.  Vic made me cry when she was trying to tell me to forget the past and just focus on today and the future. She tried to make me feel human and tell me how she's even made mistakes in the past and that it is truly the past.  I know she's right but the stubborn guilt's just won't go away. As much as I'd like to think I have - I have not let go of the past yet.  Therapy is helping but it won't change me overnight and I know that.  I even today asked God over and over again to take away my most recent pain - make me stop thinking about the 'bloodsucker'.  I had a good cry while working out and it help!  I hope it last all week because I see her everyday at work. 

fear

I am going to try to walk today with no crutches!  I am afraid but I do have motion in that knee and need to use it! The physical therapist said I'll know when I feel ready - I think the cortisone shot has given me the confidence I need - so here goes!  The only thing I wish is that the 'bloodsucker' would stay away... this set back has offered her plenty of opportunities to talk to me and I am ready for it to stop - so maybe w/o the crutches gone - she will forget and she won't ask me how I am. Like she really cares - all she wants to do is talk about herself because the world revolves around her.  I have been doing good walking away.  What's happening is there usually there is always someone else with me when she tries to talk - sneaky but I know what she's doing.  This is how she's trying to get to me since I have asked her not to talk to me unless it is related to work or one of my residents.  God please continue to give me the strength to avoid her - I don't need or want this crazy person in my life.  I know you won't give me anymore than I can handle.

graduated

I have graduated from 2 crutches to 1.  I do have good range of motion in my right knee but I am just afraid to use it!  I have to get past the fear.  The physical therapist told me today that I need to work on my confidence.  Sounds a lot like what my mental health therapist is saying.  What is my body trying to tell me?  Do I have to fall completely apart before I listen?

she's back

She (the bloodsucker) came by today to work on a patient of mine under the guise that is was so important - the usual treating therapist missed her and had already gone home.  I did my best to stay busy and away from her.  She did ask me about my knee and I said I was fine.  She kept hanging around my unit fooling around with the other patients.  I called my husband  - still trying to stay busy - like the therapist said to do.  We got disconnected and thank God he called me back because she was just leaving and I was afraid she wanted to talk.  Maybe I was wrong but my therapist says I need to go with my gut feelings.  It still would be so easy to fall for it all again - she's so cunning and funny and would make me feel special until she was ready to throw me away again!  Not gonna happen to me again!

still here hobbling

I am still on crutches - I can bear much more weight now but not completely all the way yet.  I am still worried about my exercise (when/if i can run again and walk).  It is abundantly clear that I won't be doing the april 11th marathon I had planned to walk with my friend vickie - she's is gonna kill me. No not really but she will be disappointed because we were gonna do it together - that was the whole point.  I guess I have been over training a bit but when your mind is like mine you have to stay busy or you thoughts go to a bad place.  My husband even has noticed this he said last night that I just have been doing too much and this is my body's way of telling me to slow down.  How many signs do I need?  I guess I have to hurt myself in as many ways as possible to get the picture.  But it seems only temporary... and then I will start the whole process all over again.  I'm so afraid of gaining weight back that I have fought so hard to lose.  I know there are other ways to exercise - but this is what is in my mind right know and it's scares me. In other news...   I saw the 'bloodsucker' today and she of course asked about my crutches and that exchange was brief and non threatening.  My therapist appt was yesterday and she feels like I'm doing good but not ready to talk  to the 'bloodsucker' w/o feeling yet. She said soon I will be able to and I am so ready - but right know it still hurst to see her and she knows my weaknesses. My therapist  told  me (as she has before) the 'bloodsucker'  is someone like my mother who I thought I could be friend with and we see how well that turned out...

worried

I had a 7k race saturday and something snapped in my right knee in the last mile and I had to stop and sit on the side of the road. Help came quickly but I felt like such a failure.   My running times have been so fast and I thought I would do really well in this race. But the pain kept my mind off of it for a while.  I went to an ortho urgent care and apparently it is just a bad attack of arthritis (I didn't know I had arthritis!).  I had x rays and physical therapy that day, take home exercises and pain meds.  I have no swelling so this means I haven't torn anything.  The reason I am worried is because I don't know how long I won't be able to run and I don't think my mental state would be able to cope with that.  I did work out my upper body today and did sit ups - but i was unable to box b/c I still cannot bear a lot of weight on the knee.  I am using crutches for now and go back on wednesday for more therapy and to see the ortho dr again.  I go to my therapist tomorrow and I am looking foward to that as always.  I hope I am doing well.  I will have to tell her about my fears of not being able to run and I have a marathon in april that I have been training for (walking).  It's all up in the air right now - that's why I am worried.   Going to bed now and hopefully sleep will take my mind of it. 

good friends

Last night was a bit of a roller coaster...  I met my friend Pam and we had a great visit!  We used an interesting technique to catch up on our lives - we covered topics from A-Z and it was fun.  Occasionally we would remember something and have to go back to an already covered letter!  We found ourselves going back and forth all night.  We (or was it me, or was it her - no I think it was we)  specifically avoided the letter T which has a specific person that we could have talked about (not Tony - we covered him in H for husbands!) but she said  'save it for the professional'!  This is the second or third time she has eluded to this.   I don't know if she will ever want to hear that story - I wouldn't mind telling her but maybe it's TMI.  For now I will think that she just loves me for who I am and does need to hear my mistakes - she knows the important part - that this bloodsucker took advantage of me in low times.  Anyways we had a wonderful evening I was so tired I had my self talked out of exercising but you know me I couldn't so I did go ahead and work out.  When I got back upstairs Tony said my friend Leigh Ann had called and for me to call her back.  She went to a divorce atty today and got goods news and was supposed to call me about it  - but instead she told me she got suspended at work!  She was upset as would be normal for anyone!  So me and our network of friends we on the phone for quite awhile networking and trying to figure out what is going on but we were so tired we had to suspend (funny I used that word) our efforts after a nights rest.  I'm sure there will be more to come today ...

spring is here!

What a great weekend it was - I know spring is coming!  I feel so good it is kinda scary - I really kinda feel like my old self again.  I didn't think I could find myself again - or if I even knew what that was for awhile...  It's a great time of year to be back and only the best is yet to come!  And here I thought for months I would never get here... Thank you God, my husband, good friends, medicines, my nurse practitioner and my therapist who have carried me through this journey - if it were not for you all I would not be here today! Now I'm not fooling myself - I know I still have work to do but if it keeps helping like this - watch out!